There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I
have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park
at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and to told him to
go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot
believe that one blonde would do this to another."
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the
produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm
and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent
of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled
with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far... I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never
quit a job.
What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't
improve your lie. (George Deukmejian)
If you cheat by parking in a "Handicapped spot," where am I to ditch
my empty shopping cart? Why don't you think of your fellow man?
Support group meeting postponed: "There will be no Moms Who Care this
A lot of middle age software engineers are buying their teenage
daughters sweatshirts that have large letters saying "Removal
indicates your complete agreement with the marriage licensing
Weird Fact :
Fires onland generally move faster uphill than downhill.
(makes sense because heat rises)
A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when
a rough-looking little kid stopped him and asked, "Sir, can
you tell me the time?"
The gentleman carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket,
removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is
a quarter to three, young man."
"Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can
kiss my foot!"
With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry,
the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not
been running long when an old friend stopped him.
"Why are you running to like a maniac?" asked the friend.
Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man
said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told
him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly
three, I should kiss his foot!"
"So what's your hurry," said the friend, looking at his own watch. "You
still have twelve minutes."
Management Tree A Management Structure is often referred
to as a tree. This is an accurate description for the
- It is made almost entirely of wood.
- Parts of it can be dead for years before they drop off.
- If a branch falls off, most of the parasites move back to the main
- It takes years to react to any environmental change.
- A large one can transpire hundreds of gallons of liquid in a day.
- It sometimes carries a great many nuts.
- If not pruned regularly it will not bear much fruit.
- Small pieces which are chopped off often grow again in a few years.
- It can be fired, but usually needs lots of paper to get it going.
- It may provide shelter for those underneath, but also blocks out most
of the light.
- From the top one can see for miles in all directions, except
- Anything heavy dropped from the top reaches the bottom quickly; the
intervening layers merely delay it slightly.
- Parts of it can be used to make boards (of varying thickness) but
unless properly seasoned the quality will be poor.
- It bends easily in light winds but in storms it is rarely flexible
enough to avoid damage.
One day this mechanic was working late under a
car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth.
"Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought.
Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake
fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a
little more today."
His friend got a little concerned but didn't say
anything. Next day he told about drinking a cup
full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll
have some more today." And so he did. A few days
later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his
friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff."
His friend was now really worried. "You know that
brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You
better stop drinking that stuff."
"Hey, no problem," he said, .. "I can stop any
I believe Spud wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she
does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she
sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. Spud
was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said,
"All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N'
and the 'Z.'"
doctor had just hired a new secretary.
Having trouble with the doctor¹s notes on an emergency case which read,
"Shot in the lumbar region," the poor girl was flustered and at her
At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she
typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he
decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a
really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.
"Will the laziest man please put his hand up?" Nine hands went up. "Why
didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man. "Too much
trouble," came the reply.
Bill took Myrddin to a celebratory dinner at a really
They walked in, were ushered to a table by a formally
dressed maitre d', and sat down at a table on which
were displayed the finest china and crystal. Taking
the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring,
Myrddin unfolded it, put it around his neck and
proceeded to tie a knot in the back.
Staring at him, the maitre d' said, between gritted
teeth, "Sir, will you be having a shave or a haircut?"
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The
baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people
babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting
in the nest, the baby stork is crying.
The mother is saying, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible,
but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent
from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents
ask him where he's been all night.
The baby stork says, "Aw, Nowhere. Just scaring the heck out of college
THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.On a flight across America, he rose from
his seat,drew gun and took the stewardess hostage."Take me to Detroit," he
demanded."We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.
THE WORST BANK ROBBERY
In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of
Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had
to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone,sheepishly left
the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their
intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them.
When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them,
convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the
counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to
make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again.
THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE
During the firemen's strike of1978, the British Army had taken over
emergency fire fighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly
lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a tree.
They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. So
grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off
later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it!..
Tourists ask a lot of interesting questions as we travel among
the Hawaiian Islands on my charter boat. Some people wanted to know,
"Does the water go all the way around the island?"
Another asked, "How much farther until we're in the ocean?"
The one that made me want to jump overboard was, "Can you please
take the boat closer to the sunset?"
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps
difficult. We attach small lights called chemlites to make our
jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the
door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the
sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman replied, "Earth."