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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Thursday's Mess



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A weird creature rose up out of the surf and came ashore. Its
garments were made of green sea lettuce. "I am the friendly Witch of
the Sand," she said, "I am only going to sunbathe." The sun was
terribly hot. Soon her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a
ripe tomato! Have you ever seen a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and
my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." "Don't you
have a phone in your car?" "That was a little too expensive, so I did
the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." "Uh ... How's that
working?" "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." "And why do
you think that is?" "I figure it's because when I'm driving around,
my zip code keeps changing."
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard.
He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old
fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he
told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old
blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.
"Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it
real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith






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10 commandments of marriage

Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and
lightning.

Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the
woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you
finish.

Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is
why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he
is finished.

Bonus Commandment Story A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband
decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the
well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"It really works!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman walked into an accountant's office and told him that she needs
to
file her income tax return. The accountant says , "Before we begin,
I'll
need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social
security
number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't
work
That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken
farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore?"
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
"Good enough."
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Deer Tick Warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real,
and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your
e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM;
they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.

I feel so stupid now !!




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There once was a third grader named Jimmy. Every time the teacher would
say something, Jimmy would say, "How about that!"

One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed the
Delaware."

Jimmy said, "How about that!"

The teacher told Jimmy, "If you say that one more time, you are going
out into the hall, mister!"

To that, Jimmy replied, "Well, how about that!"

Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Jimmy into the hall and said,
"While you're out here, I want you to write a poem to tell the class."

Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Jimmy and said,
"Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem."

Jimmy said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall.
How about that!"

The teacher said, "That's fine, Jimmy, but I want you to leave the cock
out."

She took him back into the classroom and announced that Jimmy had a poem
for the class.

Jimmy stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a roach go up
the wall with his cock out. How about that!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester,
he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him."Hmmmm," he
wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls
his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern
education are coming up with! Why, they have a program here that will
teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with
$1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father
sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the
money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing,
son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with
this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to
READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to
get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has
a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can
neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his
father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him
talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have
some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in
the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper,
like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messin" around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
" The father says,"Damn; I hope you SHOT that lyin' dog!" "I sure did,
Dad!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Kevin , the dumb, said "I'm breaking up with Sherry!" , to his friend
James .

" Are you crazy ? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!", said James.

Kevin responded..."Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was
bisexual, and who the hell wants to screw just twice a year ???"

His Lordship awoke with an all too infrequent feeling of virility and
joyfully announced his condition to his valet. Impressed, the servant
asked, "Shall I notify M'lady?"

"No, just hand me my baggy tweeds," replied his Lordship. "I shall
smuggle this one into town."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting
on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The
guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this
parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this...How do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,
I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't
you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at
ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."

"Pssssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is; nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20.
Just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go
by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathises, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day he
comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him
over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's
about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him
passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nightie, got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going
down....."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Fuck knows. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."


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