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Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Thursday's Odds & Ends.Or Whatever



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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told
her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
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Weird Fact :
850 peanuts are needed to make an 18 oz. jar of peanut butter.
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A guy goes to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as
if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities. Do
you think I need help? Can you help me? Am I doing the right thing
seeing a psychiatrist?" "Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc.
"Please, one at a time."
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A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked Him: "God how
long is a million years to you?" And God answered: " A million years
is like a minute." Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million
dollars to you?" And God replied: "A million dollars is like a
penny." Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And
God said, "In a minute."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Have you heard about Kellogg's foray into the medical field? They have a new cereal specifically for men with erectile dysfunction.
It's called "Nuttin' Raisin Honey"
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#1 Pick up Line
What good is inheriting 2.7 million dollars when you have a weak heart?
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Some say it's what's on the inside that counts.

If that were true about women, Playboy would be
Running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall
Bladders.
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chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and
ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,

"How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says
the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,

"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years
all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

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A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking
about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be
no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a
dire medical condition or an immediate family
member's death.

One smart ass student said, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst
into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the
teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an
excuse, you can just use your other hand to write."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man named Gerry asked his doctor if there was
a test to help him determine if he was gay. The
Doctor said "Yes, there is Please pull down your
pants."

Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed
his testicles and told him to say 55. The man
said "55."

The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told
him to say 55. Gerry said "55".

The doctor then told the man to turn around, and
putting a finger in the man's anus he once again
told him to say 55. ..........Gerry said "1...
2...3..."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Internet

What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners

Q. What's a FAQ ?
A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"

Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?
A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.

Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?
A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the
popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL,
CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc,
which will give you their program disks for free. Or,
if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak
in some night and install their programs on your
computer when you're sleeping. They are really
desperate for your business with them.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A.The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer
experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information they
need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill
forever.

Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us
have been trying for years to cancel our on-line
service accounts, but no matter what we do, the
charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of
entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet
account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal
organs over to the on-line service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do
once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end to the number of things you can do!

Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q. Chat?
A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of
people all over the entire globe, you can chat with
total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to
chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and
some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens,
Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who
Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless
Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain
anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as
"ByteMe2" so nobody will l know their real identities.

Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people
of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from
scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from
actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost
anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists,
singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around the
fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the
chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic
is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed
13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other
13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee
can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (Do not
read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)

LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry

(LONGISH PAUSE)

UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L

(LONGISH PAUSE)

PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting
hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at
any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network
information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat
areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy
messages to each other, back and forth, back and
forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster
and faster and hotter and harder and harder until
OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a
bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.

Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly

Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS
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2 Comments:

At July 14, 2006 8:07 AM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

Funny!!!
Also those pics...the cat scan..hit home..and I should have done that last one with my ex (while he was drunk)

 
At July 14, 2006 10:36 AM, Blogger Patty said...

Hey I have thought about that last one a time or two LOL

 

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