Thursday's Tasteless Laughes
A cow suddenly stopped giving milk. Her udder failure could have been
attributed to her sorry love life. She got a bum steer. Depressed she
curdled up with a Duke Ellington CD, and a bottle of plum wine, and
she mooed indigo.
A shark encountered a squid that was not feeling well. The squid
defended himself by saying, " If you eat me, you will also fall ill.
" The shark offered to tow the ailing squid to a doctor, but on the
way they met up with another shark. Whereupon the towing shark
cried, "Hi, Jim, Here's the sick squid I owe you.? (D. Richardson)
The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was studying
every action intently. She watched him take the ice from the freezer.
She followed the ice to the glass. She helped him measure out the
liquor and stared at the ritual of the spearing of the olives.
Suddenly, a lemon twist slipped from his hands and flew across the
kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck. She got there first.
She bit into the yellow twist before the man could stop her, certain
of a wonderful treat these humans enjoy. The kitten's face screwed up
as she spit out the bitter rind. "Aha, " said the mixologist," so you
have learned a rind is a terrible thing to taste."
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together,
doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when
he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for
the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and
down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly,
"What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,
"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
John decided to visit his friend, Dave,who had just moved into a new high-rise
apartment building. As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voice
say, "Hi there, big boy."
Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady-dressed in a shear negligee, leaning over the
railing. "Come on up and see me," she purred.
John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the elevator to the
fifth floor, and as he got off-an apartment door opened and the sexy lady
beckoned him toward her. John walked over to the open door.
"I've been waiting for someone like you," the lady said as she slowly unzipped his
pants. John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and the lady took it into her hand.
Then she gave it a sharp whack with her other hand! John jumped back in alarm.
"What the hell did you do that for?" he cried.
She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place."
DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female: Any part under a car's hood.
b. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male: Playing football without a jockstrap.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.
4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
home run or goal. Also good for mooning.
5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male
8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, BUT only enough blood to run one at a time. -- Robin Williams
Todd is walking downtown and a girl calls to him, "blowjob, five dollars." He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?" His mom replies, "five dollars, just like downtown!"
"In a lot of Southern towns, the influence of the Baptist Church is felt in many different walks of life. For example, sexual relations between two unmarried adults is illegal. It seems they felt it might lead to dancing."
The reason Southerners won't have sex standing up is that it could be mistaken for dancing.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -- Dustin Hoffman
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and rth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began. "Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked. Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia." Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?" "Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight." The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?" Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns were involved wen summbody bet on de duck." "Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?" "De duck won."
"Mom, can I ask you something?" "Sure! What about?" replied mother. "Well, I'm already fourteen and.. I think it's just proper that I should own one." "Own 'one' what?" mother asked suspiciously. "Could you buy me a push up bra?" "No." "I think it would be just proper at my age..." "I said no way...!" "But all of my friends wear.......!" Morris! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"
I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh." --Rodney Dangerfield
Headline: Electricity Outages In California Not Shocking Anyone --Guy Ben Moshe