Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Today's Giggles

Only a small sliver of the moon was visible in the sky last night. I
found myself wondering, "Is it waxing or waning? " I decided to check
the page of the newspaper where such things are spelled out in
detail. Unfortunately that didn't really settle the question. The
overnight forecast called for a 50% chance of wane. (Gary Hallock)

Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel
in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer
evening, watching the sunset. The history professor asked the
psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of
psychology replied, "Yes. I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."

A boss to a retiree: "As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created
this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years
with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little
late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."
What does the pig say, Michael?" his mother asked. "Oink, oink," replied Michael. "What does the cow say?" "Moooo." "What does the chicken say?" his mother continued. "Cluck, cluck." "And what does the duck say?" Without a moment's hesitation, Michael replied, "AFLAC!"

A man awoke in the burn unit of a hospital. He looked around and
saw the concerned faces of several medical professionals. He asked,
"How on earth did I wind up in here?" One of the doctors said, "That's
what we were hoping for you to tell us. Do you remember anything about
the day you were injured? You've been in a coma for over a week now.
It looked really grim for a time, but now that you're awake, we would
like to have you fill us in on what exactly happened to you."
The man thought and thought. He said, "I think I was at the
beach. That's it! I was sun bathing at the beach! Yes, I was
sunbathing in the nude at the time." The doctor asked, "Do you recall
anyone else who might have seen what happened?" The man replied, "As a
matter of fact, I do remember seeing a little girl. She was coming my
way, so I covered my privates with my hat. She wouldn't leave me along
and kept asking me questions. That's about the last thing that I
remember." The doctor asked him if he could recognize the girl if he
saw her again. The man said, "I think I can."
They bundled him up and took him to the beach. Sure enough,
along came the little girl. They called her over to them. The little
girl looked at the man and said, "Golly mister! What happened to you?"
The man said, "I was hoping that you could tell ME! Do you remember
talking to me while I was lying on the beach?" She said, "Oh, sure. I
wanted to know what was under your hat. You kept telling me to go away.
Finally, you told me that it was your birdie and to leave you alone.
Well, you fell asleep, so I came by to take a look at your birdie." The
man said, "Can you tell me what happened, because I can't remember
anything else." The little girl said, "Sure. I lifted the hat and saw
the birdie. It was so ugly that I wrung it's neck, smashed it's eggs
and set it's nest on fire."

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
'I'll do a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use,
2B or not 2B?'
(Spike Milligan)
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully
replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
Ad: Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster?
A wake-up call (Kim, 9)
Old Cheesemakers never die, they just lose their whey
What happens when you fall in love with a clock maker?
He two-times you.

Did you hear about the man who swallowed a frog?
He?s likely to croak any minute.

As Confucius says, ?A cat may have nine lives, but a frog croaks
every night.?

What did the frog say when he split his trousers?
?Rip it! Rip it!?

What job did the frog have in the brewery?
He supervised the processing of hops.

What was the frog?s job at the hotel?
He was the bellhop.


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