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Sunday, July 09, 2006

Today's Giggles



An officer in the U.S. Naval reserve was attending a conference that
included admirals from both the U.S. Navy and the French Navy. At a
cocktail reception, he found himself in a small group that included
personnel from both navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned
many languages, Americans learned only English. He then asked: "Why is
it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you
speak French?

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you would not
have to speak German."

The group became silent.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
What's that drink you're mixing" the stranger asked the bartender in
the upscale Tex-Mex bar.

"I call it a lil' Texas Shooter", said the bartender as he continued to
mix up several batches of the drink.

"What's in it ?" asked the stranger.

"Sugar, milk and rum." said the barkeep.

"Is it good ?" asked the man.

"Sure is senor." said the bartender smiling. "The sugar gives you pep,
and the milk gives you plenty of energy."

"And the rum?" asked the stranger.

"Hell man. That gives ya plenty of ideas what to do with all that pep
and energy." quipped the bartender.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council
conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says, "Well, we've all
worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I
suggest we tell each other one of our sins."

They look nervously at each other, but nod OK. The first priest says,
"Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a
year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself
blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly
starts, "Well....with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I snitch the
money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it
out of my system."

The third, who is really nervous now, reluctantly says, "This is very
difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red
light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week with her, fucking her
every which way. I REALLY get it out of my system."

They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything.
Then one of the four speaks up saying, "Come now, brother, we've all
told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others,
obviously not sure whether he should say anything, and then suddenly
blurts out, "Well ... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I just can't wait to
get off this train!"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

PARTY AT THE COMMANDANTS QUARTERS

The Commandant of the Marine Corps was General Al Grey, a crusty old
"Field Marine". He loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess
hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank insignia on it.
He would go through the chow line just like a private. (In this way, he
was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man
received. And, woe be it to the Mess Officer if the food was found to be
"unfit in quality or
quantity".)

Upon becoming Commandant, General Grey was expected to do a great deal
of "formal entertaining", fancy dinner parties in full Dress Blue
uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating
cold "C-rats" around a fighting hole with a bunch of young "hard
charging" Marines. But, the General knew his duty, and as a Marine, he
was determined to do it to the best of his ability.

During these formal parties a detachment of highly polished Marines from
"Eighth and Eye" (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in
Washington, D.C.) were detailed to assume the position of "Parade Rest"
at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were
being held.

At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, big chested,
blue haired lady picked up a tray of pastry and went around the room
offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in
Dress Blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved
with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our
victory in Desert Storm.

She made a "beeline" for the closest Lance Corporal. As she drew near
him she asked, "Would you like pastry young man?"

The young Marine snapped to "Attention" and replied, "I don't eat that
shit Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of "Parade Rest".
His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange.

The fancy lady was taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her
mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to
doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did
you say?"

The Marine snapped back to the position of "Attention" (like the arm of
a mouse trap smacking it's wooden base as it is tripped). Then he said,
"I don't eat that shit Ma'am." And, just as smartly as before, back to
the position of "Parade Rest" he went.

This time there was no doubt. The fancy lady immediately became
incensed, and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady,
taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man, (well
below her station in life). And he had the nerve to say THAT to HER!
She exclaimed, "Well! I never...!"

The fancy lady remembered that she had met "that military man who was
over all these 'soldiers'" a little earlier. She spotted General Grey
from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a
camouflaged canteen cup full of liquor in his left hand. He was talking
to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants.

The blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and
interrupted, "General, I offered some pastry to that young man over
there. And, do you know what he told me?"

General Grey cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and
said, "Well, no Ma'am. I don't."

The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was expressing with
her body language her rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in
cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, "He
- said, I
- don't - eat - that - SHIT - Ma'am!"

The Lieutenants standing there were in a state of flux. A couple of
them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their
smirks detected. The next thought most of them had, "God, I hope it
wasn't one of MY Marines!", and the color left their faces. General
Grey wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the
Lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and expelled a subdued,
"Hummm."

"Which one did you say it was Ma'am?", the General asked.
"That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the
woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the Lieutenants began to look
sick and put a hand on the wall for support.

General Grey, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled
brow. Suddenly, he looked up his _expression changed to indicating he had
made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said,
"Well, FUCK 'EM! Don't give him none."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender,
"Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having
some beers.

He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!"
The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as
he can.

Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts

"You! Your mother gives me a blow job!"

The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."

"Just one more!!" yells the old man.

So the bartender gets him one more tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts

"You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then
looks at the other two men.

All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.

Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One Friday night a man tells his wife that he is going duck hunting in
the morning.

She says, "I want to go too."

He says, "NO... You are too hard to wake up."

She begged him, "Please, Please. I promise I will wake up early." He
says, "O.K. but if you wont get up, I'm going to screw you up the ass or
you are going to give me a blow job."

She said, "I've got nothing to worry about because I will wake up."

3:00am the next morning the alarm goes off. The man gets up and tries to
wake up his wife. She's still laying there and he tells her that he is
going to take a shower and when he gets out she'd better be up. He gets
out of the shower and she is still sleeping. He tells her he is going to
give her one more chance to wake up. He has to go out and get their
stuff and put the dogs in the truck and when he comes back in she has to
be awake or she has to pay up. He's out there about 30 minutes and when
he comes back in his wife is snoring.

He is pissed. He wakes her up.

He said, "OK now whats it going to be? In the ass or a blow job?"

She said, "all right... I can't take in the ass so I will give you a
blow job."

He pulls out his cock and she starts sucking on it.

Then she begins to spit and spit. She says, "THAT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!"

He said, "Yeah, I know, the dogs didn't want to wake up either."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An old Cajun was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to
his toes. "Hello, der toes!" he said, "How y'all are, toes? You know,
you 92 today?

Oh, de times we've had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all
dem pretty female womens every Sunday afternoon? Them times we
deaux-si-deauxed on de dance floor wit dem same Womens? Oh yeah,
ahh-heeee!

Happy birthday, toes!"
"Hello, knees," he continued. "How y'all are, knees? You know you 92
today? Oh, de times we had, huh! Remember when we march in de crawfish
parade? Oh boy, de hurdles we jumped together, me and you. Happy
birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello der Pierre! You little booger
you!! If you were alive today, you'd be 92!"
*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*
Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in
which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey,
if I lie, I'll win the case. But then I would have broken an oath sworn
on the Holy Bible."

His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing"

"But, what?"

"Let me put it this way," his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting
attorney like I treat you in bed."

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so?"

Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full
lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The
handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his
steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced
gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released
her from her constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her
bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often
hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to
satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an
aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it
seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one
heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never
fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been
made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want
more. She would want to do it again and again and again.

DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




R. J. P. Hewison)

An American company and a Japanese company decided to engage
in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and
long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they
both felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had
to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem
and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and
one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight
people steering. After a half a year of study and millions spent
analyzing the problem, the con- sultant firm concluded that too many
people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's
management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: a
steering director, three departmental steer- ing managers, three
steering sub-managers, and a new performance review system for the
person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American corporation fired the rower for poor
performance and gave the managers a 25% bonus for discovering the
problem.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
TOP 10 TIMES YOU SHOULD NEVER USE YOUR CELL PHONE

10. At the movies. Unless your conversation will be funnier than what
I'm seeing on the big screen.

9. During a funeral. Pay your respects with your heart, not your
ringtones.

8. In a meeting. Especially if you've called it. Or if your boss is
there.

7. In the hospital delivery room. Especially if it's your wife (and
child) on the table.

6. At a restaurant. Unless you're calling the waitperson because your
coffee cup has been empty longer than two minutes.

5. At a wedding. The only rings here should be the ones on
the happy couple's fingers.

4. In a museum. You're there to use your eyes, not your ears.

3. While driving. You may like the challenge of handling a cell phone, a
steaming cup of coffee, the morning paper, and a 4,000 pound vehicle all
at the same time, but it just ain't safe.

2. In the bedroom. Do I really have to explain this?

AND THE NUMBER ONE TIME TO NEVER USE YOUR CELL PHONE

1. In worship. God may call you, but he won't do it through Verizon.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused
to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office
parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police
and filed an insurance claim.

Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone.

"We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain
himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Poor little Cinders is in the kitchen crying when
in walks her fairy godmother who asks her what
the problem is, Cinders replies "The ugly sisters
laughed at me because my clothes are poor and
scruffy and they said I can't go to the ball."

The fairy godmother assures her that she can
help and waving her magic wand turns Cinderella's
rags into a magnificent ball gown complete with
gold sequins and elegant glass slippers.

Cinderella continues to cry and says, "I cant go to
the ball because it is a long way to go and I don't
know how I am ever going to get there."

The fairy godmother looks around the kitchen for
inspiration and sees a basket full of vegetables,
selecting a pumpkin and four carrots she waves
her magic wand and they are transformed into a
wonderful gold carriage with four prancing horses -
as a finishing touch she picks up a cabbage and a
leek and magically they become a coachman, who
climbs up an d takes the reigns and a footman who
opens the carriage door and indicates that Cinders
should step inside.

Seeing Cinders is still crying the fairy godmother
asks her in desperation what ever else is wrong
and Cinders replies, "It is the time of the month
when I have my period and the ugly sisters have
taken all the sanitary towels so I still can't go to
the ball."

Looking into the vegetable basket the
fairy godmother takes out another pumpkin and
with a flick of her wand turns it into a tampon which
he hands to Cinders saying, " There you go my
dear, but whatever you do, for heaven sake,
get back by midnight!"

One O'clock rolls around, then two and finally just before three Cinders
comes walking home with a big smile on her face. The fairy godmother,
nearly frantic with worry about what happened to the second pumpkin at
midnight, asks how the ball was.

"Oh" replies Cinders, "I never made it to the ball. On the way there I met
up with a guy that took me out for a good time". With a roll of her eyes
and a heavy sigh she adds, "His name was Peter Peter, something or other..."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

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