Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Tuesday Eveing Posts

The following is a father's advice to his son just moments before he gets on
the bus that will carry him off to join the Army:
"Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of the
men in our family have done since your
great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather did many hundreds of
years ago.
There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter. Remember your
training and obey your commanders, this will keep you alive during the
arduous days of battle. Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from it
you will be in grave jeopardy.
When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and cities
ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be
many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and this could
put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time.
In every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all
and there will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs to
suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to
catch you off guard. My advice to you as a former soldier is simple -
- What ever you do... FIND THAT STREET SON."
How about some quotes from our enlightened leaders:

"Damit, when you get married, you kind of expect you're going
to get a little sex."
--Jeremiah Denton, senator from Alabama, 1981-86. Denton had
offered a bill providing criminal immunity for raping a spouse.

"Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like
trying to read a Playboy with your wife turning the pages."
--Barry Goldwater, 1964 Republican presidential nominee

"If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?"
--Mike Gunn, Mississippi state senator, 1991

"We have every mixture you can imagine. I have a black, I
have a woman, two Jews and a cripple."
--James Watt, Secretary of the Interior, 1981-83, describing
an Interior Department advisory group.

"Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much
limited to having had breakfast once at the International
House of Pancakes."
--Pat Bushanan, 1996 Republican presidential candidate.

"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
--George Bush, touring Auschwitz in 1987.

"If you're worried about caribou, take a look at the arguments
that were used about the pipeline. They'd say the caribou
would be extinct. You've got to shake them away with a stick.
They're all making love lying up against the pipeline, and you
got thousands of caribou up there."
--George Bush, commenting on the Alaskan pipeline.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, " I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
All kinds of b ad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her h usband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
t hat's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

I was just laying around reminiscing the other day, bored by the
continuing rain, when out of the blue I remembered my first sexual
encounter. I was about 15 or 16 and in a Catholic all boys high school
and had a date with what the rest of the basketball team had described
as a sure thing.
After being haranged, reminded and constantly lectured about the evils
of sin, sex and fallen women, by the good Brothers, I decided that I had
better get some protection for my anticipated first decent into the
depths of sex, sin and who knew what other tempting depravities.
So I went to a local corner drug store in another neighborhood, to buy a
package of condoms, so I wouldn't be recognized, and have, god forbid,
someone tell my parents.
After I was at the druggist's counter, in the back of the store, where
the older guys told us they stocked the rubbers under the counter, I was
shocked to have a beautiful older woman come out of the back room to the
counter. I blurted out my request and it was quite obvious that I was
new at it. -
She handed me the package, smiled and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly had some trouble managing to stutter out a "No."
So the lovely lady, who seemed to be enjoying my obvious discomfort,
unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused and was obviously very red faced too. So she looked
around the store and seeing that It was empty, She said," "Just a
minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking me by the hand, she led me into the back room, proceeded to
unbuttoned her blouse and remove it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. and to my utter amazement, asked, "Do these excite you?"
I was so dumb-struck, mesmerized, breathless and aroused that all I
could do was manage to nod my head quite vigorishly, in the affirmative.
She then said, it was time for me to slip the condom on and as I was
slipping it on, she was busy dropping her skirt, removed her panties and
was laying down on a desk.
"Well , come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I hesitantly
climbed on top of her, and she took care of the rest. It was so wildly
wonderful, much more exciting than any of the thrill rides that came to
town with traveling carnivals. But unfortunately, I could no longer hold
back and pow, I was done and my ride was over within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a questioning frown. and asked, "Did you put that
condom on?"
Grinning from ear to ear, quite happy with my swift passage from virgin
to an experienced man of the world, pulling up my pants, I said, "I sure
did." -
And proudly held up my thumb to show her.



How do these people survive?

ONE... Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you Could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at The
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," Was
the reply? "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order Six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

Two... I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items and
The lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and Placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned
all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all Over for the
bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she Said to me, "Do
you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed My mind, I don't
think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and
left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

Three... A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking For a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR... I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do
You need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have Replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do
you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would Have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I Replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE... Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost Out of
typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX... I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of Repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I Asked the
manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set The "cruise
control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
Office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
Problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one
of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from The
back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT... Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
Colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling The truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE... A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The
mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to
emergency now!
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He
was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like
he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything
to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After
complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use
an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get
back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses
under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers,
"What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their
temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."


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