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Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Wednesday Edition.



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
In 1989, twenty-three people were hired in Jacksonville Florida just to flush toilets so the pipes would not freeze.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of
the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years
I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or
worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to
join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese restaurant we both like," he
suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the
waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said,
"Separate checks, please..."



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Moe and Lenny are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning.
Suddenly a cab speeds past, and their friend, Irving, is running
frantically behind it, flailing his arms wildly. "Well," said Lenny. "I
never imagined out good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at
him running for that taxi." Wait a minute," Moe replied. "Didn't you
read that book I lent you. 'The Other Side of the Story,' about the
command to judge other people favorably? I'll bet we can think of
hundreds of excuses for Irving's behavior." "Yeah, like what?" "Maybe
he's sick and needs to go to the hospital." "Come on! He was running 60
miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold
Schwartzenweis." "Well, maybe his wife's having a baby." "She had one
last week." "Well, maybe he needs to visit her in the hospital." "She's
home." "Well, maybe he's running to the hospital to get a doctor." "He
*is* a doctor." "Well, maybe he needs supplies from the hospital." "The
hospital is a three minute walk in the opposite direction." "Well, maybe
he forgot that it's Shabbos!" "Of course he knows it's Shabbos. Didn't
you see his tie? It was his paisley beige l00% silk Giovani tie from
Italy. He never wears it during the week." "Wow, you're really
observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie." "How could you
not notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the
taxi?"
.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
The jovial lawyer, rising to address a gathering after dinner, noticed
that in the audience was another gentleman who was well known as one of
the foremost after-dinner speakers in the nation. The lawyer, striking
an informal pose, with his jacket open and his hands in his pockets,
said, "How odd to see my good friend George in the audience,
demonstrating that a speaker can listen to someone else's words on
occasion." And from the audience, George cried out, "And how odd to see
my good friend Henry on the podium, demonstrating that a lawyer can have
his hands in his own pockets on occasion."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got to
University. Before then my experience of women was non- existent. I'd been
at a boys' school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believe when,
all of a sudden, at the Fresher's Ball, I was snugging. I was even more
amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn't have a clue
how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we
were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach,
my.... -- She stopped.

"Oh my goodness!" she said, incredulous, "Your cock tastes just like
CHOCOLATE!"

Melanie (her name) wasn't a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I
realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and
trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting. This had
NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she'd
bought, and then we were in her room. Halfway through the second track we
were naked. She'd hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under
the duvet.

"It does!" she exclaimed suddenly. "It bloody well DOES!!"

Two weeks into University I was still a virgin. I had, however, received
twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as
'incredible', 'amazing', 'Bournville', 'Swiss' and 'Belgian' exclaimed by
mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse
myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor
rubbed off. It didn't.

I went to the Doctor. She didn't believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I
thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave
me a salve.

Okay, so I'll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads
of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me
first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn't
know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a
spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. "What's he got?", they
seemed to ask themselves.

But when the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole
new year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A
specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried
to have conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time
their eyes would be flicking to my crotch. Their tongues would run over
their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and
leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone
had started calling me Hob Nob.

When I say "everyone", it's not quite true: Some people called me Willy
Wonka.

Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that
just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All
the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About
it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn't take it. All through my
third year I stayed in. I saw no one.

I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything.
Because I didn't have anything to do I studied all the time. I got a First
and went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh
air. Fantastic!

It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn't been for the lousy beer it would
have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out.
I'd seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard
her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote
about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans,
white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to
emphasize a point.

"Oral sex", she had concluded, "is degrading. The worship of the phallus
only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it,
and I certainly won't do it ever again. Ever. Thank you."

She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly
filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her.

Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I
had to be myself and for a long time she wasn't interested. But then it all
happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old
Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after
we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an
impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they
were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I
wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped
her like wind from a wood across a wheat field...

"No!" she said.

She took me by the scruff of the neck. "Not there!"

I stopped.

"Why not?", I asked.

"I knew it", she said firmly. "I won't do it to you in return. I won't.
Not..."

"I know," I assured her. "I *want* to do it to you. But I don't want you to
do it to me, ever."

"You will", she said, "You will! I knew this would happen..."

I didn't listen to her. I knew. There was no way I'd let her even if she
wanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and
rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them part slightly. She
resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I --

I lifted my head up.

"Guinness!" I cried, "Guinness!!"
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~



The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some
students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students
eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The teacher asked Alice
to tell a story.

"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We rode
donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun."

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly raised
their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on little
Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The teacher chose
Fred to tell a story.

"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at
a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd
ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred
reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several students were
waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and wanted to
give him another chance. "My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw
a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the
asshole" Little Johnny said.

The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum" she said.

"Wrecked 'im, you bet it wrecked 'im...shot his balls clean off."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could
think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and
that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said,
"Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere
and he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the
woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode
Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
BUFFALO, N.Y. - Two pot smokers went through the drive-thru
window of a KFC restaurant to take advantage of the Wednesday
special. Unfortunately for them, two narcotics detectives
happened to be inside ordering food. The detectives noticed
the two men in their 20s smoking weed outside after a cloud
of marijuana smoke wafted into the restaurant. One of the
cops said the pair was smoking "the biggest marijuana cigar
you ever saw." The detectives arrested 23-year-old Charles
Morris and 26-year-old Gregory Quick, both of Buffalo. The
two men were charged with possession of marijuana and
smoking it in public. The men did, however, get their money
back for the food they ordered.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
MY FRIEND Dawn and I grew up in suburban New Jersey, and now we both
live elsewhere. While our mothers retain strong accents from living so
close to New York City, Dawn and I have lost most traces of regional
pronunciations. One night we were laughing about how we occasionally
slip and say something like, "Put the clothes in the 'draw.'" Then I
told Dawn how my mother still refers to "Nork" (Newark) Airport.
"Nork!" Dawn shrieked. Then she paused. "How are you supposed to say
it?"


1 Comments:

At July 05, 2006 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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