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Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Wednesday is White Trash Day


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Manners Maketh Man?

In the north of England lived a man, poorly
educated, who made a large fortune by selling his
design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set
about realising his childhood ambition to become a
country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near
the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of
some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in
his family had ever dreamed of.

Foremost of these servants was his butler,
Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in
every way he could to better himself. The master would
often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to
explain a new term.

One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves
in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"

"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.'
I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently
when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend?
And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord
Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?

"And do you further remember how later, at
breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your
prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and
I dropped the marmalade?

"That, Sir, was a faux pas."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Proof that the world is nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different
reversed?)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with
a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse
than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time...
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Q and A
Q: What's worse than a cardboard box?
A: Paper tits!

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q: How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q: What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A: A block of flaps

Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

Q: What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old people's home!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer

Q: What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
A: Toast is brown on both sides.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish porno flick?
A: It's called: " Debbie does nothing. "


A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and
requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a
suitable one?"

The marriage officer said, "You're requirements please."

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty,
knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the
whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me
interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent
when I want to rest."

The officer listened carefully and replied,

"I understand. You need a television

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the
hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up
the last of his water three days ago and he's lying,
gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he
suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there
it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!"

Propping himself up on one elbow he squints
against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo
bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of
huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a
hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head,
but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and
in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies
panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo,
"I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but
thank God you are! I've been wandering around
this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm
completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says,
"You think you're lost!!!!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Bubba was from Alabama and was a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse.
Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated!!!
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. "Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!" he complained when he met the priest on the way out of the racetrack.

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and the Last Rites."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley...

Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do. Instead of
40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will
use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and
start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Tommy was a crotchety old fellow who always took
breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning
paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all
days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"Tommy!! Tommy!! Put down that paper and let's talk
about how we are going to celebrate our wedding
anniversary today. What do you suggest?"

Tommy put his newspaper down, removed and polished his
glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then
said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

Today on the way to work I thought I saw a headline
that read "Beer Recall." It was actually "Beef
Recall," and the story explained the discovery of mad
cow disease in the United States. Mad cow disease is a condition that
causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of
coordination, and death.

Now, will somebody explain to me why they're -not-
recalling beer?

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
TWELVE STEP INTERNET RECOVERY PROGRAM

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like
I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with
one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash
clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends
and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the
Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling
them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is
necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance
my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

I was on duty as an emergency room technician when a father brought in
his son, who had poked a tire from one of his toy trucks up his nose.
The man was embarrassed, but I assured him this was something kids often
do. I quickly removed the tire and they were on their way.
A few minutes later, the father was back in the ER asking to talk to
me in private. Mystified, I led him to an examining room.
"While we were on our way home," he began, "I was looking at that
little tire and wondering, how on earth did my son get this thing stuck
up his nose and..."
It took just a few seconds to get the tire out of Dad's nose.

1 Comments:

At July 06, 2006 2:38 AM, Blogger Junebugg said...

Hope you had a good 4th!

 

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