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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

White Trash Wed./ Some Re-runs



MUNSTERS - Herman Lilly Grandpa A Classic Comedy TV SitcomShow
http://www.munsters.com

U.S. Copyright Office
http://www.copyright.gov

Amusing Facts, Useless Facts, Strange Facts, Weird Facts
http://www.amusingfacts.com

Buying a Home - HUD
http://www.hud.gov/buying


I went with my girlfriend at the time to an electronics store - we were
browsing through the home stereo aisle.

I decided to play a joke on her, so as she was looking at one stereo I
moved over down the row and saw one with a remote. I picked up the
remote and hid it to my side and called her over.

I explained to her "This stereo is voice activated, just say volume up
and volume down and it'll do it".

She replied, "no way".

I said "try it".

So she does. She proceeds to tell the stereo in a mild tone of voice,
"Volume up", so I turned up the volume. When she heard the stereo turn
"ITSELF" up she was totally amazed.

So with a huge smile she said, "volume down" and the stereo turned
"ITSELF" down.

So I tell her, "Try it again just say it a little bit louder and the
stereo will go louder."

So in a louder tone of voice she says, "Volume up!", so this time I
decided to crank it up very, very loud.

She realizes it's just a little too loud so she starts yelling at the
stereo, "VOLUME DOWN, VOLUME DOWN!!!"

The other store patrons turned and started laughing at her, especially
after I showed her the magic behind the volume, me!
~~#~~~#





You Know You Are Kinky When

..you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother
will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.

...you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a
year

...you have more toys than your kids

...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone
to

...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and
you snort and start to stamp your foot

...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns ... and you don't eat
sweets

...your toilet seat is leather.

...you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the
screen, "Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"

...you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horse jumps are
setup.

...you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital,
Family, and three 24 hour locksmiths

...you are on a first name basis with all the local EMT's

...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and
work with leather!

...you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer

...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body cavity search,
humiliation scene and time in the cage.

...you take up macramé, just to learn some new knots

...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor
discount
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Beach

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful
women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he
might, the d. Finally, as a last
resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded
by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to
meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to
get anywhere with th
eant?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees
you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up
and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a
skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He
parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he
says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't
been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee
store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and
down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato,
puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down,
up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After
half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked
up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why
don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+





+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The Dangers of Drink....


"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards
and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny
Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~
Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin
Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
Women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you
check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a
door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser
for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,
but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one,
but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck,
(Mom
Would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down
Your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd
love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or
lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover
to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would
have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember
the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still
in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The
Door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
Chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
Toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
Precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
Footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is
Wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has
made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if
you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
Confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
That somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
The toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that
Point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
Toilet seat. You're exhausted.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
Slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to
Operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands
With spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still
Waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper
Trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You
Yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her
Warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
Left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
Why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom
(rest??? You've got to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also
Answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the
Restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto
Your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.




Children

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

Your Clothes:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you
pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake
your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing.

Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away
until you
can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it
off with
some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether
they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if
needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.


Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,
and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
cleaner.


Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you
call
home five times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to
leave a
number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if
she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the
baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child
to the
hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully
watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from
his allowance!


Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or
everyone who
KNOWS someone who has had children . . (The older the mother,
the
funnier this is!)

GRANDCHILDREN:

God's reward for allowing your children to live!

Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much!

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