Tuesday, July 11, 2006

White Trash Wednesday

Random Objectionable

1 Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded in the first place.

2 Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

3 Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

4 Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea

5 Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once
in a while too.

6 Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

7 Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years

8 Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

9 Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

10 Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an

11 Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

12 Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

13 Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

14 Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

15 Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.

16 Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

17 Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

18 Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

19 Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

20 Q. Why are women's feet so small?
A. So they can stand closer to the stove/sink.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.

Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going
to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case
heaven is like the IRS).
I is a college student.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Eschew obfuscation.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the
back of a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Don't
laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. Friends don't let friends
drive naked. There's one in every crowd and they always find me.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along
come faster rats.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to
one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.

I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.

No radio. Already stolen.

1 All the good ones are taken.
2. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
3. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
4. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
5. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to
how much you love them.
6. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
7. The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
8. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
9. Nice guys(girls) finish last.
10. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
11. Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is
the minute they find someone else.

Our neighbor openly complained about our
remodeling project.

A new second-story window with a view of
her patio was the last straw.

A year later, she *still* ignores my wave as
she drives by. I mentioned this to my husband.

"Honey," he commented, "you're the victim
of a drive-by snooting."


There were these friends who played golf together
every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting
ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he
could join them. The friends looked at each other
and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure."

So they teed off. About two holes into the game,
the friends got curious about what the guy did for
a living. So they asked him. The stranger told
them he was a hit man. The friends all laughed.

The guy said, "No really, I'm a hit man. My gun is
in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can
take a look at it if you'd like."

So one of the friends decided to check it out. He
opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a
rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all
excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my
house through here! May I look?" The hit man
replied, "Sure."

So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH!
I can see my house! I can even see through the
windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked.
Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door
neighbor! And he's naked too!"

This really upset the guy, so he asked the hit man
how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied,
"I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well,
okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife
right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me
and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot
my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around
with my wife."

The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked
through the scope. He was looking for about five
minutes until finally the man started to get really
impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?"

The hit man replied, "Just hold on ... I'm a about
to save you a thousand bucks!"

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to
line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had
a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose
bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because
he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos. As she danced, his bell began
to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it
up. Then all the other bells began to ring.
A college girl went to she her doctor about
a rash she had on her chest. The doctor
asked her to take off her blouse to have
a look at it.

"This rash is very unusual'," the doctor said,
"It's in the shape of an 'M', where did you get

"I'm not sure," she replied, "but I recently
met this guy from Michigan." The doctor
just shook his head and gave her a
prescription for some creme.

Two weeks later the college girl return to she
her doctor again. "Doctor, I have another rash
on my chest," she cried.

"Ok, take off your blouse so I can have a look
at it," he replied. "This one is in the shape of
an 'I',. Where did you get this one?"

"Oh," she said, "I met this guy from Indiana."

"Okay," said the doctor. He wrote her another
prescription and she was on her way.

Two weeks later, she return again with another
rash on her chest. "Okay, let's see this one,"
said the doctor.

So she took off her blouse and she had another
rash in the shape of an "M" on her chest.

The doctor saw it and said, "I guess you're back
with the boy from Michigan?"

"Oh, no," she replied, "But I met this girl from


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