Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Again With Wednesday

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Little Johnny was having problems in English class, so his teacher
decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents. When she
rang the bell, Little Johnny opened the door. The teacher said, "Hello,
Johnny. I would like to talk to your mother or your father."

Little Johnny said, "Sorry, but they ain't here."

The teacher said, "Johnny, what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," said Little Johnny, "but dad sure was mad that
they had t'go bail her out again."
A man is waiting in a hospital to get a vaccination, and he's very
uncomfortable with the idea of being stabbed with a long needle. After a
while, the nurse calls him in to receive the injection. He nervously
walks into the office and sits down where the nurse indicated, eyes
bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the
bench beside him. As the nurse prepares the needle, he tries to think of
the most pleasurable things he can, to try and dull the pain he is
expecting. The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, noticing his
obvious nervously, tries to comfort him with the words, "Don't worry,
it'll just be a small prick." The man jumps up, obviously upset. The
nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells
out, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!"
I dropped off my wife at the hair stylist and she was supposed to call
me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong
number, she reported later.
She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said,
"Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you SURE? This is Mitchell's Funeral Home."
I called a wrong number recently, and realized my mistake when no one
answered after several rings. That afternoon I received a call from a
woman that went as follows: "I'm Mrs. Jones. Did you call me today?"
"I don't remember calling you. But I dialed a wrong number today
and that might have been yours."
"How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!"
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the
priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years
later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you
get to your seat."

Weird Fact of the Day:
Weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly
is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady
was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a
little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw
my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said "No,
no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old
duffel bags.
Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other
much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob
and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka
that can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you

Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you will only freeze your ass

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is looking the
other way." Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and
traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you

Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls
half an hour ago!"
The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra,
but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it
for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home
is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little
blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words.
That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each other's
clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.

*Three times!*

He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's
doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages,
and then -- three come all at once!"
A group of children is playing outdoors: "I have
a sister and each of us has her own room," one
girl says. "I have two sisters and one brother,
and each of us has a bike," a boy brags.

"Well, there are eight children in my family,"
another girl says, "and each one of us has his or
her own father!"

While I was driving through a seedy area of San
Diego, I noticed a shop sandwiched between a
strip bar and a liquor store. All of the windows
were blacked out, and over the door was a sign
that proudly declared: "Welcome to Kink-o's. We
have NOTHING to do with office supplies."


During a museum tour the guide explains, "Here
you can see the beautiful statue of Athena...".

"Excuse me, Madam," a visitor interjects. "Who is
that man behind her? Is he her husband?"

"No, Athena wasn't married. She was the goddess of wisdom."
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush
tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a
certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a

After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few
days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment
coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."
A woman gave birth to twin boys, and she and her husband decided to
name the two babies "Adolph" and "Rudolph." The husband and wife were happy
but decided to try again to see if they could produce a daughter.

The woman gave birth to a second set of twins--once again, boys.

"What shall we name them?" asked the husband, to which his wife
replied, "How about 'Get Off' and 'Stay Off'?"

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years
older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,
"Hardly worth going home, isn't it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because
you stop laughing.
A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said:
"Your check came back."
The old man replied, "So did my arthritis."

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.
it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table
"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the
plate for you!"
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and

said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant
of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world

with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in
hands. The man wished for a female companion thirty years younger....
Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!


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