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Monday, August 07, 2006

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START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all





*************************
There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately had
a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.
Well there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who recently had given birth and who was willing to help him out, for a price.

The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed
to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born baby to care for, and the father had abandoned them to their fate.

The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on the woman's breast. Well, weeks went by, and the awkwardness began to fade.

One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

The man paused in his sucking for a moment and looked up at her. "Yeah," he said finally. "Can I have a cookie with my milk?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any
means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two
good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
*****

*************************
Below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 80 year old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to reethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,
I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be undersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, 'imitation is the sincerest form
of flattery'. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2.
To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room
in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to
listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or
inquiry the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again, following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client,
Lydia B. Hodgson




A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass
a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend
buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying
me flowers again for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,
don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after
getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

*************************
Ole & Lena lived on a lake in Nordern Minneesoda. It was near
the end of winter, and spring was yust beginning.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across the frozen lake to the
yeneral store to pick up some tobacco.

She asked for some money, but he told her to
"Yust put it on our tab".

So she valked across, got the tobacco & valked back. Then she
asked Ole "Vhy didn't you send me with any money?".

Ole replied, "Vell, I vasn't going to send any money ven I vasn't
sure how tik the fokin' ice vas."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
I don't know why the media is making such a big deal over
Bush having trouble with his Generals.
-
Clinton had trouble with his privates.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've
known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,
too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One
of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach
the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she
knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
*****






Q. How do we know men invented maps?
A. Who else would make an inch into a mile?

The problem with the designated driver program, is
it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked
into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house. -- Jeff
Foxworthy

Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize
it's a do-it-yourself thing.

Q. What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change
operation in order to become a nun?
A. A transsister.

Q: What's a Redneck's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the truck door.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said
"Implants?

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common???
They are both looking for dead beaver!!

Q. What's the definition of "virginity?"
A. A big issue over a little tissue.

Q. What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A. Pump kin

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she
was pregnant?
The kid stutters.

"You know you're getting fat when you pinch an inch on your forehead."
- John Mendoza

Which Is It?
What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much? Is it
the concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen . . . or is it
the concept of going down for three months at a time?

A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a
cold. The more sex you have, the less you'll have a cold. Just wait
until guys get hold of this. A woman sneezes and he'll be saying, "Hey,
I got something for that."

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them
into one country and call it Irate.

*************************
Weird Fact :
Ballroom dancing is a course at Brigham Young University in Utah.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


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