Early Edition. Its Early somewhere
Saturday morning: Barry and his wife have been sleeping soundly all
night. A small alarm by his side of the bed sounds a wake-up trill
and he shuts it off immediately.
He then pushes the sheet back carefully so as not to disturb his
wife. Then, he showers, shaves, and combs and brushes his hair.
As he's tiptoeing to the closet to select his golf clothes, his wife
stirs and wakens.
"And, just what do you think you're doing?" she asks.
"Um," he answers, "just getting dressed to meet the guys at the club
for a big round of golf this morning, hon."
"No way! You know we have far too many things to do around the house
today," she barked back at him.
"I know, I know," he replies. "We're going to tee off at 8, play 18
holes, probably have one or two drinks together in the bar, then I'll
jump in the car and head straight home around 12:45. Even if I'm
delayed for some odd reason, I swear that I'll be back here no later
than 1 o'clock."
His wife shrugs her best shrug and says, "O.K., but you'd better be
back at or before 1! Do NOT! DO NOT play 36 holes, as you often do!"
SOOO, Barry is relieved. He grabs his cap and clubs and heads out
Just as planned, he and three buddies meet at the club, attach their
bags to the carts and then drive off toward the first tee. To
everyone's credit, all four guys played very, very well the whole round.
During a couple of drinks each in the club's bar, they rehashed the
round, hole by hole.
Remembering his promise to his wife, Barry looked at the clock
behind the bar , "12:45" it read. So up he jumps, and with spirited
words of goodbye to his friends, he rushes to his car, throws his
clubs into the back seat, and zooms off - homeward bound.
"I can get there in 3 minutes," he said to himself.
By the side of the curb about 8 blocks from the club, he sees a
beautiful red-haired woman standing at the rear of her car, and he
immediately notices that her left-rear tire is quite flat. "I can
change that tire for her in a jiffy," he thinks, "and make it home
perhaps five minutes later than promised."
So, always the gentleman his mother had taught him to be, he stopped
behind her car, got out, introduced himself, then pulled his own tire
tools out of his trunk. He then put on the spare and tightened the
last lug nut, finishing the job at precisely 1 p.m.
"I can still make it home by 1:05," he thought.
However! Slow down there, big fella! This story isn't nearly over.
The redhead walks toward him to thank him over and over for his
help. "I live just around the corner here," she then half whispers to
him. "I want to thank you by buying you a drink at my house. Please
follow me! Please!"
Barry mulled her proposition for a whole second, then agreed.
After parking in her driveway, she leads him inside to her den,
where she sits in the middle of the couch and pats the cushion next
He sits, pushover that he is. She then mixes two drinks for them;
hers goes to the coffee table, his into his hand.
They each take a single sip,
She then tells him to relax while she does a few things to make them
more comfortable - she closes the blinds and drapes, turns on the CD
player, and then drifts out of sight with "I'm going to find more
comfortable clothes" dripping from her lips.
She wasn't gone three minutes when she returned in all of her glory.
That's ALL of her glory! And, she was a TRUE redhead!
To finally end this tale, let it be understood that they made mad,
passionate love for three solid hours.
THEN came "OH, MY GOD!" says Barry. It's 4 o'clock! I promised my
wife that I'd be home by 1 to do yard work. I'm leaving, beautiful
lady, leaving now!"
So, up he jumps, to the door and to his car he runs, climbs in and
races home, there to see his wife standing in the driveway to greet him!
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" she bellowed. "It's 5 minutes after 4! You
promised to be home by 1! I want ANSWERS!"
"Ok, dear," he said. "Here's what happened, so help me God. I met
the guys at the course; we played 18 holes; then we had a couple of
drinks in the bar. I said goodbye to them at 12:45 and jumped in the
car. A few blocks from the club, I saw a woman with a flat tire, so I
stopped to change it for her. She was so greatful, she invited me to
her house, which was just around the corner, so that she could fix a
drink for me. I followed her there. We sat on the couch with our
drinks, then she stood and walked around to close the drapes and turn
on the CD player. That done, she said she wanted to put on more
comfortable clothes. When she returned, she was hardly wearing
anything. What could I do? So we made love on her couch for nearly
three hours!! I finally came to my senses, put my clothes back on and
almost flew home to apologize for being three hours late. I'm sorry,
honey! I'M REALLY SORRY!"
His wife said back to him when he'd finished his speech: "You lying
son of a bitch! YOU PLAYED 36 HOLES!"
There IS a God!
A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They
got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had
no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the
driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.
As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We
understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"
"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again
and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.
"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun
scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would
be best if you didn't help us."
"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say
something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."
Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it
slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and
said, "Dear Lord, help me."
At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.
Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
Weird Fact :
David Rice Atchinson was President of the United States for exactly one day. This happened due to a glitch in American law at the time.
An Ipswich girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to
pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
Another Ipswich girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
flat out on the road. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
An Ipswich girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Ipswich girl,
"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Ipswich girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to
shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
"That's easy," says the Ipswich girl... "I just use their surnames"
An Ipswich Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Two farmhands went to a country dance. One of the hands, Joe,
had a wooden eye and was very self-conscious about it.
Joe told the other guy, Bill, that he was worried about someone
saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him not to
worry because it was a good eye and most people couldn't tell
it from a real eye.
Bill danced nearly every dance as there was a lot of farm girls
there. Joe just didn't dance at all. Finally, Bill went over to
Joe and asked if he had danced with any of the girls.
Joe told him that he had not because he was concerned about
them saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him
again not to be concerned about it. Bill pointed to a girl
sitting across the room and told Joe,
"See that good-looking girl over there? She's got a hair-
lip and hasn't danced but once or twice. I danced with her
once and she's an excellent dancer and real polite. Go over
there and ask her to dance. She won't say anything about
your wooden eye."
So Joe had a couple of more snorts of courage and went over
to the hair-lipped girl and asked,
"Do you want to dance?"
To which she replied in a high pitched hair-lipped voice,
"Would I, Would I!"
To which Joe replied,
There was this young couple who had a terrific argument one morning
before leaving for work. The wife couldn't get her dress zipped up in
back, so she backed up to her husband and motioned for him to zip up her
zipper. "I'll show you zipping", he thought, and briskly whipped it up
and down the slide till it broke. He had to cut her out of her favorite
dress, which didn't make her happier with him. They went their separate
ways to work, both boiling mad at each other.
The wife did a slow burn all day. When she got home that evening, she
walked through the garage and saw her husband under the car fixing
something, with only his legs sticking out. She decided her moment of
REVENGE had come. She leaned over, grabbed his pants zipper, and whipped
it up and down. Quite contented, she walked into the kitchen, where she
found her husband standing by the sink. Sheepishly, she asked him, "Who
is in the garage, under the car?" She was told it was a neighbor who had
come over to help work on the car.
The acutely embarrassed wife asked her husband to help explain the
situation to the neighbor, and they both returned to the garage. They
asked him to come out from under the car, but he didn't respond.
When they finally dragged him out, he was unconscious and bleeding, from
slamming his head into the underside of the car each time he got zipped
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a
branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into
the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter
replied that his axe has fallen into water. The Lord
went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a
silver axe. "Is this your axe?" The Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with
an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" The Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty
and gave him three axes to keep, and the
woodcutter went home happily.
One day while he was walking with his wife along
the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked
him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water."
The Lord went down into the water and came up
with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord
"Yes," replied the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth,"
the Lord scolded. The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive
me my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said
'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine
Zeta Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up
with my wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to
me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all
three wives, so that's why I said 'yes' this time."
After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother
and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?" Somewhat startled by the question, but
directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied,
"Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really
mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots
could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat." That didn't compute
with what Tod heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom,
what about a bitch? What is a bitch?" She pursued her puritanical theme
by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a
bitch. But Son, where did you hear such words?" "From the fourth-graders
on the playground, Mom," he replied. "I think you should play with your
second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the
mother stated. Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went
up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?" The dad contemplated how
he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest
question deserves and honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of
his tool bench and took down a copy of the Playboy magazine. He pulled
out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the
dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude
playmate-of-the- month. Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son
square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that
little circle is called a pussy!" "WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at
the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the
playground that day. "Dad, what's a bitch" Todd asked? "Well, Son, a
bitch is everything outside that circle."
A crusty Scot went into a whorehouse and announced he could spend no
more than ten 'poonds'.
The madam told him that the cheapest rate was twenty pounds. After a
monumental argument, the madam coaxed the money out of the tight-fisted
Scotsman and sent him upstairs with a hoary old 'girl'.
She undressed, ripped the Scotsman's kilt off, threw her legs apart and
pulled him down on her. However, to her utter disgust the silly old
bugger started to fuck her navel. "That's not the right place," the old
bitch barked at him. "My fuckhole is farther down, you idiot!"
"Listen you hoary bitch," shouted the Scot, 'for twenty poonds I want a
hole of my own!"
Weird Fact :
When Scott Paper Co. first started manufacturing toilet paper they did not put their name on the product because of embarrassment
God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they
came up to the 5th hole.
It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and
hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway.
Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it."
So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he approched
the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right,
SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.
So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this
time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the
lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked
up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses
hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.
Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You
always slice it."
And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he got
up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over,
picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up
behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses,
"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"
Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
A little prospector wearing clean new shoes walked
into a saloon. A big Texan standing at the bar said
to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance."
He walked over to the prospector and said,
"You're a foreigner, aren't you? From the East?"
"You might say that," said the prospector, "I'm
from Boston and I'm here prospecting for gold."
"Now tell me something," said the Texan,
"Can you dance?"
"Well I'm going to teach you," said the Texan. And
with that the Texan took out his gun and started
shooting at the prospectors feet.
Hopping, skipping, and jumping the little prospector
made it to the door shaking like a leaf.
About an hour later the Texan left the saloon.
As soon as he stepped outside the door he heard
a click. He looked around and there, four feet from
his head was the biggest shotgun he had ever seen.
The little prospector said, "Mr. Texan, have you
ever kissed a mule?"
"No," said the quick thinking Texan,
"but I've always wanted to."