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Friday, August 04, 2006

Friday Afternoon Edition



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Marg: "My first ex was so incredibly stupid."
Cindy: "How so?"
Marg: "When I told him I was pregnant, he went to the store and
bought me an EPT."
Cindy: "Why would he get you a pregnancy test when you'd already
told him you were pregnant?"
Marg: "He didn't want to get "trapped" into marriage; he thought
EPT meant Early Paternity Test.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The farmer stood in his chicken yard watching
hundreds of baby chicks running here and there. He
kept pointing to them and trying to count them. "One, two, three, four,
five, six, oh, no..."
Then he would start over, "one, two, three, four, and,... oh,
no."
Then he'd start over again.
Finally he said, "I give up. They say don't count your chickens
before they hatch but it sure is easier to do that than it is to count
them after they hatch."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman,
watching the news from San Francisco. "Jus' look at them
homo-sexshuals. They're ruining the country. with men marryin' men, and
women marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta' go out there
and protest! Don't you think so?"
She replied, "Yes, Daddy."
*************************
A market researcher called at a house and
his knock was answered by a young woman
with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his
questions and when she agreed, he asked
her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-
Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that
among their many products was Vaseline and
she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was,
"Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always
ask that question because everyone uses our
product and they always say they use it for the
child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some
other purpose; but I know that most people really
use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like
to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you
tell me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in
the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you
go next door and see how Old Mrs. Pierpoint is?" A few minutes later,
Tony returned."Well, is she all right?" asked the mother."She's fine,
but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony."At me?" the mother
exclaimed."Whatever for?" Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's
none of your business how old she is."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A professor at City College of New York, Bill was popular with his
students. He was young, good-looking and an optimistic grader. He had
no reason to worry about the administration's decision to pay special
attention to student evaluations of professors. Imagine his chagrin
when, glancing through the anonymous questionnaires, he noticed that
one of his students had given him a failing mark for "availability."
He had always been proud of the way he generously spent extra time
with his students! Then he noticed an explanatory note at the bottom
of the page: "You"re already married."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?"
Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If
you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of
yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes
from fossilized bones. So if you have yourself buried all you will be
doing is making a fuel of yourself!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to
Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The
representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an
attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision
to the point of near blindness. My apprehension lightened a bit when
the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I
thanked her profusely."Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about
to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need
a rental car?"

*************************
Heath Ledger of brokeback mountain and the Brothers Grimm has signed up to the revamped Batman Begins sequel which as of now is still in preproduction. Looks like the good citizens of Gotham (or its stand-in Chicago) will see the white skinned and green haired Clown Prince of Crime wreaking his havoc on Gotham.. I dont think its really relevant to create an elaborate origin as they want the Joker to be a disturbing character working in shadows. In other words he'll (Batman) have to use that brain of his to find and subdue his archnemesis and there is no 'official' origin of the Joker in the comics in any case as the Joker once said "sometimes I remember it one way, the next day another.... If I have a past I prefer it to be multiple choice!"
In a side matter Jon Cusack has expressed interest in being "that D.A. who goes bad.... Two-Face." Despite the Batman tv series who completely ignored the Two-Face character as he was too disturbing, a role that may or may not have been played by dirty Harry himself, Clint Eastwood. I'm kind of glad he was never in the tv series Seems the writers of that era could not put Two-Face into any story line as he is practically the mirror of Batman himself, a character of dark rage and insanity that simply wouldnt let itself be taken into the campy series.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office
and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard
an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward
him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the
avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was
able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team
was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling
from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the
entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there?
It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the
office!"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
How to Drive your Wife Crazy

1. Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about
cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to take
care of myself. You know, just in case.

2. Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot
and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of
everything everywhere.

3. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and
then at the mirror.

4. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the
kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches
the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor
and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today."

5. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop
them in the washing basket.

6. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything
else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.

7. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work and lean in close and say,
"Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"

8. Put on a TV programm and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up
each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it, you know
how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."

9. Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her
something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure
it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.

10. Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start
having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. When she
repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh stop it! A
little X isn't going to hurt you."

11. Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been
on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"

12. Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home
and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're just not in the
mood for whatever she's making.

13. When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand
new white trainers.

14. When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in
place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to
allow the article to slip off.

15. Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she
didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say
I never listen to YOU."

16. When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in
time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll
get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when she says that's
it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"

17. When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's gorgeous, but remember she's
young. I remember when you looked good too."

18. On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you
made, use the best towels in the house.

19. As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over
the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same
size you did when you got married.

20. Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you
know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well the elastic is shot
and I need new ones."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Old Man Dean, a miser and reprobate of some renown in the community,
at last suffered a health crisis and was rushed to hospital late one
evening. He lay unconscious through the night, but rallied at dawn and,
by and by, was well enough to receive visitors.
A local parson, hearing of Dean's misfortune and recalling that
at one time he had been a member of his congregation, determined to make
a call. After brief pleasantries were exchanged, the preacher began an
earnest appeal for the old boy to mend his ways and return to the flock.
He explained how the patient should be thankful that he was spared, and
at some length inquired if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes
during the incident.
"Don't be ridiculous," replied Dean, "the attack lasted only 6
hours!"


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