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Friday, August 04, 2006

Friday Again

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to
go home on leave
after spending time in Afghanistan. When they landed, a man approached them
and said,
"Boys, to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck
to drive
home so you don't have to pay for a cab." The guys thankfully agreed and
drove off.
Halfway there, the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely
stretch of road.
Off in the distance they saw a farm house and went to ask to use the phone.
When the man
at the door answered and saw the men in uniform, he invited them in. He
said, "Boys, for
serving our country, I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with
my three daughters.
You'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with which girl. And
there's plenty of beer
in the fridge." The men ate and the first girl came down the stairs, a very
pretty girl. The fly
boy jumped up and said, "She's mine," and they went upstairs. The second
girl came down,
prettier than the first. The jar head snatched her up and they, too, went
upstairs. The sailor
waited for the last girl, sure that he would be getting the heifer of the
group. To his delight,
she came down and was the finest of them all. The next morning, the farmer
was cooking
breakfast when the fly boy came down, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking.
The farmer
asked if he wanted breakfast, but the fly boy said, "No, thank you, sir.
You've done enough
already," and left. The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the
fly boy's, but
still acceptable. The farmer offered him food, but he only drank coffee,
thanked the farmer
and left. The sailor finally came down, still a little drunk, neckerchief
messed up and missing
a shoe. The farmer offered him breakfast. The sailor ate everything offered
and left without
even a 'thank you.' After they all were gone, the farmer called his girls
down. Rubbing his
hands together greedily, he said, "OK, girls, how did we do?" The girl who
had been with the
airman said, "He fondled me a little, drank a beer, fell asleep and gave me
$200!" The girl who
had been with the marine said, "He made love to me one time, had a couple
beers and gave
me $150." The poor girl who had been with the sailor appeared tired and
worn out, saying,
"He made love to me all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be
damned if he didn't borrow
$50 from me till next payday!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Cardiologist Funeral

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.......I'm a Gynecologist."

The Proctologist fainted
*************************
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a
gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.

He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up
the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I
having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked
the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South
Carolina.

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested,
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood,
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you
like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did."

Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and
as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.

He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing
to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . mmmm how would you like to stop
at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right
then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman
awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed
and with remorse thought, "What have I done?

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time'"




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Three explorers were in the deepest darkest jungles of Africa,
And were captured by a pigmy tribe. The tribe brings them
Before the chief, who declares that the explorers were
Tracking across secret hunting grounds, and the penalty was death.

One explorer asks the chief if they are to die,
Could they chose the way they wanted to go.
After much consideration, the chief agreed.

The first explorer loved to eat,
And wanted to eat himself to death.
The tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 lbs of food,
And two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The second explorer loved to drink,
And wanted to drink himself to death.
Again, the tribe puts him in a hut with
10,000 gals of booze, and two guards outside
The door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The third explored loved to screw women.
This took a little time, as the tribe had
To construct a large hut and collect 10,000
Naked women. They finally got it all together,
Placed the explorer in the hut with 10,000 naked women,
And two guards outside the hut to make sure he didn't escape.

Time rolled by, and about 3 months later the chief
Remembered that he had to see how the punishment
Of the three explorers turned out.

He went to the first hut, and found the man had
Ate so much, he exploded. He had the two guards
Clean up the mess and dismissed them.

In the second hut, the explorer drank so much,
He puked his guts out. The chief had the two guards
Clean up the mess, and dismissed them.

You'd never guess what the chief found in the third hut...

10,000 pregnant women, two guards outside the door with red asses,
And the explorer jacking off in the corner!

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

Sniff sniff

"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet.
We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline
regulations...Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector!"
*************************
A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hail storm.
The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered
with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.
The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He
tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and
all the dents will just pop out. The blonde drives home, gets out of the
car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail
pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing
happens. Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,
"What in the world are you doing?" The blonde car owner tells her how
the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to
get all the hail dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes
and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows
first?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman
asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I
asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first. Then her face
brightened.
She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and
thumbs. "I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly
around his neck."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend
received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the
clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they
said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get
younger?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two men from Oklahoma were sitting at a bar, when a young lady
nearby began to choke on a hamburger... She gasped and gagged, and one
Okie turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad
time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in
his big, Okie hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no.
He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and
licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed
up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Okie sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's
sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Adam is a young single man and attends a family wedding. At
the wedding he meets relatives that he hasn't seen for years. One of
his elderly Aunties, Aunt Betty, walks over to him and gives him a hug
and says, "You'll be next my love."
Four years pass by and another family wedding occurs. The same
Auntie says to him, "You'll be next my love."
By this time Adam is getting quite annoyed by his Aunt Betty's
words, as he doesn't want to get married. He really wants to come up
with some sort of response for the next family gathering.
Five years pass on, and this time one of his Uncles has died.
He attends his funeral and sees Aunt Betty talking to other relations.
He walks up to her and says, "You'll be next my love."
*************************
Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they
say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying?
It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very
fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures
are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.

These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can
generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these
birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making
clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens,
however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky
person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of
the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who
just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question
is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the
reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.



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