START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his
chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost
before you will."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed The MD80 landed, rolled
out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and
said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that
and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from
the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor
dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs.
Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the
farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some
news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the
people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of
the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the
agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and
tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of them
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the
beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the
cat! The man kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would
always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn
right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right
until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and
left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each
run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner,
day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he
approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on
his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill
realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what
he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a
darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill
became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
Little Johnny's teacher has had it with his behavior, so she goes to the
principal and pleads for something to be done. The principle asks for
Little Johnny to be sent to his office. When Little Johnny arrives the
principle tries to play with his mind so he asks him something that
Little Johnny will think is rude.
"Tell me Johnny, do you know how to put a hole into another hole?" asks
"No sir I don't" replies Little Johnny.
"I'm giving you to the end of the month to come back with the answer to
this question," says the principle.
The whole month passes and Little Johnny is quiet as a mouse, thinking
about the question, which he thinks must have a rude answer, day and
night. After a month Little Johnny starts with his bad behavior again
and the teacher pleads to the principle again, so Little Johnny is
"Tell me Johnny, did you figure out how to put a hole into another
hole?" asked the principle.
"No sir I didn't, but do you know how to put 8 holes in to another
hole?" asked Little Johnny.
"No" was the answer from the now dizzy principle.
"Well" said Little Johnny with a smile, "Come home with me after school
today and I'll show you. You see my dad has this flute with 8 holes in
it and if I shove it up your fucking ass, you'll see how it's done."
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little guy staring at him, looks down and
says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3
pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude
kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When
the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong
with you?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but
what EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude said, "I saw the curious
look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the
questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds,
I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right
testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy
says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when
she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."
LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our
resident stylist is here to give our model one."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
RICHARD Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:
"Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."
DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt,
said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers man." "Yes,"
he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith
Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by
herself in bed last night."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in
Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I
was getting it twice a day in my hotel room."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."
STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics
Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic
champion inside him."
CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant
called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick
for both of you."
EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on
Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical,
wonderful knob I have ever seen."
BEST TILL LAST
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
What Do They Think of Us?
Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them."
Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet."
Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that."
Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'"
Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back."
Dog: "How strange -- why would you want
someone else to lick it for you?"
Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's *faces*
while they're doing that??"
Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"
George went to his friend's house and asked to be put up for the night
because he had a fight with his wife.
"What happened?" the friend asked.
"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a dog. So when she
asked me for fifty bucks for a new dress, I guess I must have been half
asleep or something, because I said, 'All right, but let's finish the
The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangle hold on Bob, and
after he'd finished a good dinner, he relaxed mindlessly in a soft chair
next to the stereo, with a stiff drink in his hand. His wife knew
nothing of his nervous state, and she climbed onto his lap with the
thought of trying to wheedle a fur coat out of him, and snuggled and
murmured and fondled.
"Good heavens, Ethel," he exploded, "get off of me! I get enough of this
at the office."
Three gay guys find a brass lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "Okay you guys get one wish apiece."
The first guy says, "I want to be really butch."
The genie says, "Okay," and turns him into a cowboy.
The second guy says, "Well, I want to be so butch
that it makes him look femme."
"Okay," says the genie, and turns him into a leatherman.
The third guy says, "Well, I want to be the biggest
butch on the block. I want to be so butch that these guys
will look like drag queens."
The genie says, "Okay," and turns him into a lesbian.
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:
a Bible a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no- good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord, have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He and she leave house.
He and she get on train.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than this hicktown deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense. Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"