Friday, August 11, 2006

Friday Funnies

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own religion?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, but he finally did it.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?


Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since
it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would
want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the
man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He
couldn't get back in.

There is a family gathering, with all the
generations around the table.
The teenagers smuggle in a Viagra tablet and put
it in Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he
has to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers were wet
all over.
"What happened, Grandpa," asked his concerned
"Well," he answered, "I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't
mine, so I put it back.

*A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey

*You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

*In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting
small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of
your underwear.

*The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent

*A large carp can be used for a pillow.

*Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn

camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

*The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

*It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding
mountain road behind a large motor home.

*Effective January 1, 2000, you will actually have to enlist in the
Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

*Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country.
The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

*In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle
snoring tent mate.
"Dating" A sweet little old lady surprised the young social worker that was interviewing her when she volunteered, " I do believe in sex on the first date you know. " - "That's pretty modern thinking for an 80 year old woman." the social worker commented. - "Well honey, you know one can never be sure of havin' a 2nd date with these old guys....


I'm the only female in a house full of guys.
Four sons and a husband. Toilet seat is never down...etc.
I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct?
A peculiar thing was happening at my house.

Tampons were disappearing! A few months ago I went to my
cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one left.
I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before.
So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month I go back to the cupboard.....
and again....there is only one tampon left again.
What's going on here? Gremlins?

I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it. I
decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and at the bottom
of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons
I am starting to freak! What are they doing with them?I get a hold of
and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the
thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking,
"Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for major therapy?" I go to

the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their
room staring into the bottom of their closet.
I said "What are you doing with those? Those are mine!"
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says.
"Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes
and stuff... and those make really good scud missiles...
What do you use them for?" To which I replied:
"Never Mind! Go Play!"


A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for
a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee and then sit
for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is
very negative.

One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud
and clear, "You know what? I've now become an optimist."

Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.

But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he
says to Moishe, "Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist,
why are you looking so worried?"

Moishe replies, "Do you think it's easy being an optimist?"

Our college just completed a new three-story building. While
walking down a hall on the 2nd floor, I overheard two students say, "I
really like the skylights on the 3rd floor." "Me too," remarked the
second student. "I don't know why they didn't just put some on the 2nd
floor too."

My fiddle teacher was teaching a large group class. She showed them
her violin and said, "This violin was made in the early 1800s." Someone
in the audience raised their hand and asked, "So you got it used?"

A few years back, I was in high school and we were celebrating Holy
Week (the week before Easter) and we were watching a presentation on the
last few days of Jesus. The teacher used a clip from the movie "Jesus of
Nazareth" to make his point. As we were watching Jesus carry his cross,
a girl in my class asked, "Is this live footage?"

I work as a computer technician for a large retail chain, servicing
customer's computers. One day I answer the phone, and the Induhvidual
asks, "Do you guys sell Ethernet cables?" I said that we do, and he
asks, "How much is it?" I asked, "How long do you want it?" He
responded, "Um, a while I guess. I want to buy it." I said, "No, I mean
how long as in the length of the cable." This elicited total silence on
his end, so I informed him that we sell a 7-foot cable for $24.99. He
asked, "When do I have to return it?" I told him to keep it as long as
he likes.

My Kentuckian sister-in-law's young daughter recently married a
Mexican immigrant. They promptly had their first child. Sometime after
the birth, a doctor walked into the recovering mom's hospital room and
mentioned that the baby's white blood cell count was high. My
sister-in-law asked, "Does that mean she will be more white than

While waiting in line at the Delta Gate to get my seat assignment,
I overheard an elderly lady in front of me trying to get a seat
assignment. When the clerk asked if she wanted a window or aisle seat
the old lady exclaimed "OH! Please don't put me by the window! I just
had my hair done!"

While visiting relatives in Oregon I commented to my cousin how
much later sunset was compared to my home in California. She said she
was surprised, since we both lived the same distance from the ocean. I
asked her what the distance from the ocean had to do with it. She said
it was because that's where the sun sets.

A newly hired manager confessed that he was considering getting a
second job in order to pay off his wife's huge cell phone bill. When
asked why she went so far over her monthly time allocation, his response
was that when she bought her cell phone, they told her that weekends and
evening time was free. Since she works an odd schedule -- Sunday through
Thursday -- she assumed that Fridays counted as her 'weekend day.' So
she used the phone the entire time as she drove to and from Las Vegas.
(4 hours, each direction, at 45 cents per minute.)
You know you live on the Gulf Coast when. . .

*You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
*You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
*Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
*You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
*When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three
bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
*Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
*You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
*You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
*The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
*You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the
*You own more than three large coolers.
*You wish that other people would get hit by a hurricane and not feel
the least bit guilty about it.
*You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take
gallon of gas to get there and back"
*You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your
*Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can
assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
*You catch a 13-pound redfish. In your driveway.
*You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance
*You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
*At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
*You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
*There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
*You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work
at the Weather Channel.
*Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
*Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
*Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
*Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
*You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
*You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a
tree worker.
*A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
*You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
*Your child's first words, "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA!
*Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's
*Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
*You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad
*Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
*You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning


Finally - a man's reasoning I can understand ! lol

My mother-in-law is not known for her driving skills. So it came as no
surprise when she was in another accident a couple of months back.
She came out of a side street and ran slam-bang into the town

"Oh Doc!" she exclaimed, "I'm so awfully sorry!"

"That's perfectly all right," he said, "It was all my fault."

"I don't know how you can say that. I'm sure it was entirely my

"No, no, ma'am it was my fault. I'll take the entire blame."

"But why is it your fault? I ran into you, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. But I saw you driving downtown half an hour ago, and I
plenty of time to take my car home and put it in the garage, but like
a damn
fool, I didn't do it!"
After four years of separation, my wife and
I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date
again, but I had no idea of how to start, so
I decided to look in the personals column
of the local newspaper. After reading through
all the listings, I circled three that seemed
possible in terms of age and interest, but I
put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on
my answering machine from my ex-wife.

"I came over to your house to borrow some
tools today and saw the ads you circled in
the paper. Don't call the one in the second
column. It's me."
When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and
even his watch. What they did take was a "generic white cardboard box
filled with grayish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police
described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it
looked similar to cocaine, and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big
Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars,
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three
years ago."

Well, the next morning the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as
Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there,
too - with about half of Gertrude's ashes remaining and there was this note
which read:

"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted
your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."


Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of
his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and
sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude
but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with
driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of
pumice stone.
"Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers.
"Too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer
responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water
Politically correct terms for cat owners

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of
- My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
- My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate
- My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food dish).
At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's
mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders
of his size two T-shirt.

Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel
became a brilliant magic blue and red cape.

And he became Superman.

Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were
packed with adventure and daring escapades.
He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his
mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the
course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his
mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or
maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her
eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said,
"I will have to have your real name for the records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher,
Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her,
and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder,
answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy,
"Clark Kent."


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