Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Have a laugh

Divorce Letter:
Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a
lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care
about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as
long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you
in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and
brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to
illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only
youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean,
just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that
just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in
this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the
same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge
last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She
said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't
know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when
she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it
makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever
put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
general.She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really
is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do
you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In
your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just
wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can
you let me know where the Damn remote is.

Love, Dan.

A girl ( blonde ) had devised a device to cause any car that passed in
front of her house to suddenly break down but couldn't find any
practical way to profit from it. So, thinking clearly, she set up the
device, and as the cars passed the house and broke down, she'd offer the
man in the car a place to stay for the night. Then as soon as the man
was asleep, he'd be jarred awake by her with his penis in her mouth, and
she'd hold a sign up saying "$50 or I'll bite hard!".

Of course usually the guy would pay and she'd let him go. Well one day
Buffalo broke down, and had to stay the night. Sure enough, he felt
something between his legs at night, and there she is with him in her
mouth and holding the sign "$50 or I'll bite."

Buffalo just smiled and said "$100 or I'll piss!"
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts,
worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to
find him. The son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."
One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had worked late at the
office and wasn't feeling well enough to drive herself. Although this was an
innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to
get jealous easily.
Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly
he looked down and spotted a high-heeled shoe half hidden under the
passenger seat.
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her
window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a
sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.
That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she
asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Weird Fact :
A baby octopus is about the size of a flea when it is born.
"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?" Richard beamed. "My old lady got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" "No, dear, not at all," he replied. "Our house isn't blue."
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St.
Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they
teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life.
After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine.
On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting
an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th
tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a
small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy
came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot,
but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through
the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will
roll onto the green. The way you've played today, I think you can
make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but
possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit
the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her

Years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day. People he
tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will
to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,
and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to
feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he
approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his
shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir,
the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the
other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will
follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I
tried that I double-bogied."

Your joke about Bubba in Paris reminds me of an
amusing incident when I crossed the channel to Le Havre
a few years ago.

I was sat at a table in one of those pavement cafes
when a rather attractive French Filly came and sat
opposite me. She said something I couldn't understand
so I asked her if she spoke English.

"A leetle...", she answered.

"How much...", I asked.

"Two hundred francs, Monsieur."
On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked for
$20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband
readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they
made love, for more than 30 years, with him
thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford
new clothes and other incidentals that she

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken
state. During the next few minutes, he explained
that his employer was going through a process
of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able
to find another position that paid anywhere near
what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were
financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits
and interest totaling nearly $1 million.Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by
the bank which were worth over $2 million, and
informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three
decades she had "charged" him for sex, these
holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so
astounded he could barely speak, but finally
he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had
any idea what you were doing, I would have
given you all my business!"

My ten-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out.
We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off. Trying to
lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the
tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?" "Nothing," he replied, "She
wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."


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