HAVE A LAUGH
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
A newspaper editor announces that there's
enough money in the budget to install a
newsroom chandelier. The reporters
huddle and send a spokesman to say
they're against it.
"Against it? Why?" the editor asks.
"First," the reporter says, "no one on the
staff can spell 'chandelier' well enough
to put it on an order form. Second, I don't
believe that anybody here can play one if
we had it. And third, if you got that much
money, we think you should get a hanging
light instead, to brighten up the office!"
Jim was telling his buddy Dave about his experiences the last few weeks.
He said "Dave I was down at the beach waxin my boat, just waxin my boat
Dave and this knockout redhead came by, tits out to here Dave, tits out
to here!!" She said "can I ride in your boat?" and I said sure, we got
in in the lake and I said "screw or swim" and she couldn't swim, Dave,
she couldn't swim.
The next week I was back just waxin my boat and this blonde came by, I
had more wood than my boat when i looked at her. She asked to ride in my
boat and I said sure. Out in the lake I said "screw or swim, and she
couldn't swim, Dave she couldn't swim"
Next week this tall brunette came by and asked to ride in my boat. I had
her out in the lake and told her to screw or swim. She started sheddin
her clothes and she had a DICK Dave, she had a Dick and I can't swim,
Dave I can't swim!!!!!!!
Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the
doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked
her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agreed and
again they made love.
Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?
Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned
until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the
shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
A little old lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a
little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path. "Oh,
dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!"
She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean. After
finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"
She walked on and another duck with poop all over it crossed her way. Again
she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as
well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with
the same problem. "Now I've had it!" she whined, "What
have you all been doing?" And for the third time she played Florence
Nightingale and tended to the duck.
She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes.
"Hey, you, lady!" shouted Little Johnny, sounding in some distress.
"Yes?" she replied.
"Do you have a Kleenex?" Little Johnny asked.
"No, not anymore," she answered, "I've just used them all."
"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to find another duck," replied Little
When my youngest daughter was three, she begged to be allowed to attend
a concert with her older sister and brother. She assured me she was a
big girl and would behave herself. As we took our seats in the orchestra
hall, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her older
siblings, my three-year-old opened her program, and in her most grown-up
voice said, "Mommy, I'll have the chicken, please."
Q. Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with
six children? A. The man with six children. The man with a million
dollars wants more.
What do you get when you play country music backwards?
The guy gets his girl back. He gets his pickup back.
He stops drinking!
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she
said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side
before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why
does it have to be a secret?"
....milked this cow before: deja moo
....seen this strange animal before: deja gnu
....smelled this bad odor before: deja phew
....visited this menagerie before: deja zoo
....scared this person away before: deja boo
....read this mystery book before: deja clue
....been in this courtroom before: deja sue
....felt this bad before: deja rue
....felt this sad before: deja blue
....expanded this way before: deja grew
....seen this slime before: deja goo
....learned this stuff before: deja knew
....waited in this line before: deja queue
....eaten this dinner before: deja stew
....pursued this person before: deja woo
....forgotten your name before: deja who
....had this feeling of deja vu before: deja too
....seen these twins before: deja two
....used this beer recipe before: deja brew
....been on this airplane before: deja flew
....came up with this innovation before: deja new
....fed these pigeons before: deja coo
....sketched this portrait before: deja drew
....ended this relationship before: deja through
....felt this ill before: deja flu
....sheared this sheep before: deja ewe
....munched on this gum ball before: deja chew
....sat through this sermon before: deja pew
....played in this wet grass before: deja dew
....admired this scenery before: deja ooo
....lost it under the bed before: deja shoo
"Writing Home the Easy Way"
(If you're in college, make countless copies -- use as needed, and fill
in appropriate blanks)
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics
of interest to both of us.
__ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
__ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
__ Clean clothes!
__ I am in love with myself
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged
__ I got married last weekend
__ Worships the ground I walk on
__ Gave me a black eye
__ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
__ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
__ Has fleas
My Professors are:
__ Sadistic water walkers
__ Mental institution escapees
__ Brain dead nerds
__ Super oxygen thieves
__ I wrecked the car
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit
limit __ You are going to have a grandchild __ False alarm - you are NOT
going to have a grandchild
__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals
__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ 80 hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above
Your loving _______
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her
daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and
stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her
daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had
locked her keys in the car.
She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter. She
didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the
baby sitter what had happened, and that she did not know
what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open
The woman looked around and luckily found an old rusty coat
hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by
someone else who at so me time or other had locked their keys
in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I
don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God
to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty,
greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag
on his head. The woman thought, "Great, God. This is what you
sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her
some medication, and I locked my keys in my car. I must get
home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car
was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of
prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been
out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again, and with sobbing tears cried
out loud, "Oh, Thank You God! You even sent me a Professional!"
A little woman called During the "rush hour" at Houston Airport, a flight was delayed due to a
mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the
aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked
on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some
distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third
gate had been designated for them.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were
settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We
apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This
flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not
Washington, D.C. you should 'deplane' at this time." A very
confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying
his bags. "Sorry," hesaid, wrong plane."
Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai
Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient
is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information
from top to bottom, from A to Z."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line,
please, that's a very unusual request."Then a very authoritative voice
came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the
She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah
Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber--Finkel.Oh yes.
Mrs.Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her
blood pressure is fine, all her tests have come back in the normal range
and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to sign her up for
therapy at a nearby facility and send her h
ome on Tuesday at twelve
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at
twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you
must be one of the close family."
She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor doesn't tell
Notoriously tight with his money, a Scotsman goes to the dentist and
asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction sir"
was the dentist's reply. "Och huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies
the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an
extraction sir" said the dentist. "What about if yer din't use any
anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual
sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for £70" said
the dentist. "Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees
and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman. "Well it's possible
but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of
professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case
we can bring the price down to say £40" said the dentist. "Och that's
still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have
yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and
learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for
the students I suppose, I'll charge you only £5 in that case" said the
dentist. "Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman.
"Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he
just cleaned the whole house....
Little Billy, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept
the lights off until they were inside to keep
from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed them in.
Noticing them before his grandfather did, Little Billy whispered, "It's
no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming
after us with flashlights...."
Cream And Strawberries
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'
Two men walk into a lumber yard to buy some 2x4's. the clerk asks them
"how long do you need them?"
The dark haired guy doesn't answer
right away, so the blonde guy pipes up "a very long time we're building
a house with them!!"..
Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a dishwasher?
A. It's clogged up with paper plates