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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Mo Saturday Laughes



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
Beethoven used to take hay baths to remedy the swelling he used to get in his legs.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
I just received this from my stock broker.
Do you hold any of following stocks?
Dear Sir:
We have been informed that you hold shares in the following
companies:
American Can Co
Interstate Water Co.
National Gas Co.
Northern Tissue Co.
Due to the uncertain market conditions, at this present time, we advise
you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of
your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a
new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. Yours truly, Blood,
Sweat & Tears, Inc.
*************************
"The Postal Service honored legendary Secretariat with his
own stamp. "That shows you how strange life is for racehorses. You win
the race, you wind up on the front of the stamp. Lose a race, you wind
up on the back."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in
the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119.




I was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the
top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, I had to stretch,
but still couldn't grab the box.
Fortunately, I have two six-foot-tall sons whom I often call to
come to my rescue.
"Hey, Brian!" I yelled to my second son, who was in the living
room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?"
"Sure, Mom," he remarked as he bounded into the kitchen. "But
next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness' when you need me."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife
and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that
they recently heard about in the paper.
"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks
like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military
forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm
sure you'll miss your mother being gone."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Sunday School teacher was telling the story of the Good
Samaritan to her class of 4-5 year olds. She was making it
as vivid as possible to keep the children interested in her
tale. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying
on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,
"I think I'd throw up."

An executive who passed an asylum on his way to work, used to
stop every once in a while to watch one of the inmates going
through the motions of winding up and pitching an imaginary
ball. A friend asked the executive what he found so interesting
about the man's performance.

"Well," said the executive, "if things keep on going the way
they are, I'll be in there some day catching for that guy, and
I want to get on to his curves."


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




Politically correct terms for cat owners:

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cats are not stupid... they are merely illiterate b/c the schools
wouldn't admit them!
*************************
An American, a Mexican and an Italian were robbing a bank.

And it happened that they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras.
Back in their hiding place the American distributed the money to three
even shares.

"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you"

"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you"

"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you"

etc.

The Mexican told the Italian: " Well I can't stand these Yankees, but I
have to admit they are honest."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having
trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift.
Finally, one of the operators stayed at his post operating the
tow, while the other, wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed
his way to the head of the line. The tow operator promptly
called him back, "Hey, where's your lift ticket?"

"I don't need a ticket to ride this tow."

At this, the two operator produced an ax and, with two
blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis,
just ahead of his toes.

With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement, the operator
lowered his ax and turned to the crowd, "Anyone else out
there who doesn't have a lift ticket?"
*************************
Morris goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and
mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home
but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy
Land
for only $150.

Morris says, "We'll ship her home."
The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense
and we can do a very nice burial here."

Morris says, "Look, 2000 years ago you buried a guy here and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just refuse to take that kind of
chance.

~~~~~~

A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar.
In walks an elephant (told you it was silly) who goes over to the
pianist,
and suddenly the elephant starts to cry.
"There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognise the song?"
"No, no," says the elephant " I recognise the white keys."

~~~~~~~

Morris goes to a job interview. The boss says, "I'll give you 8 dollars
an hour starting today, and in three months, I'll raise
it to 12 dollars an hour.

So when would you like to start?"

Morris replies, "So how 'bout 3 months from now?"



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