Mo White Trash
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading
books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for
expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the
real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drugstore, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple
who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels,
and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it
-- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living
room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear
peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a
fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the
clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first
buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus
into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time
allowed for this: all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of
paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using
only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas
cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an
empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a
place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it
in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick
it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of
chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an
hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back
in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it.
Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5
minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can
stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up
and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try
taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat
is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take
more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting
the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat
or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even
contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend
it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a
bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half th Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a
12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat,
Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find
yourself singing "Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
A young Rabbi, fresh out of a Brooklyn Yeshiva , thought it would help him
better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations
faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to
test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse
an angry crowd?"
He thought for a moment and then said seriously , "I would take up a
.... writ by rubin
Where To Live After Retirement
As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be
time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,
MARY BETH, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops
the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds
Florida Hurricane Season Notes
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a
weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and
making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based
on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is
cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska. Unfortunately, if your home is located in
Florida, or any other area that might actually be
hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell
you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU
money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal
to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George,
I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This
week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a
policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that,
because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you
get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows,
but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because
the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue
grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should,
as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects
into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ``Florida",
you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
your home when a major storm hits. Instead,you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your
home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus,
you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the
bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
who went through Camille; after the hurricane,
there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can
buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by
turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise (a.k.a. "The
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed.
Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long,
hard look at herself.
"You know, Harvey," she comments, "I stare into this mirror and I see an
ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that
they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped
balloons, and my bottom looks like a sad, deflated version of the
She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one
positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well...there's certainly nothing wrong with your
Services for Harvey will be Tuesday morning at 10:30 at the First