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Monday, August 07, 2006

On the lighter Side

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all





*************************
Retired

I worked years for someone else
So that I could retire.
I dreamed of sleeping late
And sitting by the fire.

I dreamed of long vacations,
Enjoying stage and song.
But, let me set you straight on that concept,
It is simply wrong.

I did junk my safety glasses
And the work boots that cramped my toes.
But, the rest of it had a mind of it's own
And this is how it goes.

My wife had been thinking of retirement
And had plans of her own.
She had spent much time with the kids
But, now they are grown and gone.

We sold our cattle and horses
So we wouldn't have that chore.
I poured concrete over my alarm clock
But, I still wake up at four.

I get my eyes checked on Monday.
Maggie gets hers checked the next day.
I go for a colon check on Wednesday
And pass my wife going the other way.

I have a dental appointment on Thursday.
Ann goes for a test on her heart.
Friday we go get prescriptions filled
And browse a while at Wal-mart.

Saturdays we just stay home
And try to get the paper work right.
We can't take any overnight trips
'Cause we can't see to drive at night.

Restroom confusion keeps us out of church on Sunday
And we really do hate that.
There's nothing wrong with the restrooms,
We just can't remember where they're at.

We don't need to plan next week,
Just make sure we can drive.
And not forget where the hospitals and clinics are.
We'll need them to survive.

So, don't build your castles too high, my friend,
While strolling through the clover.
This is a typical week in retirement
And on Monday we start all over!







+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Lazy

A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the
California surf one morning.

During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole
clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the
side of a huge coastal rock.

Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the
fisherman.

"Look out there! You have a bite."

"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water.

"If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?"

The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.

"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh
bait on the hook and cast the line out for me."

Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to
the lazy angler.

"You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought
to get married and have a son to do these things for him."

"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where
I could find a pregnant woman?"



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Rabbi

Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the
fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan
whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders
the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for
it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching.
His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray
carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks
up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in
this place and look how it's served!"




*************************
Phone

I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone
rang. This is kinda long and quite funny...

ME: Hello.

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Davis, please?

ME: May I ask who is calling.

AT&T: This is AT&T.

ME: Ok, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much
to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

ME: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Davis?

ME: May I ask who is calling, please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...

ME: This is AT&T.?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T .

ME: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

ME: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Davis. We would like to
offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a
year.

ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?

AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir,
that's right! 24 hours a day!

ME: 7 days a week.?

AT&T: That's right.

ME: 365 days a year.?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!

AT&T: We think so!

ME: That's quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual
check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me.

ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about.

ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per
week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will
be making payment.

AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10
cents a minute.

ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me
10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some
kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like
this in the Enquirer, you know.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for...

ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please.

AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

AT&T: Yes, Mr. Davis. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.

SUPERVISOR: Mr. Davis?

ME: Yeth?

SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.

ME: Id thish Ath Teeth &Teeth?

SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.

ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do
to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort).
No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.

SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.

ME: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to
end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Davis, I understand that you are interested in signing
up for our plan.

ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family"
thing, because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little
brother...

AT&T: click........


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


2 Comments:

At August 07, 2006 6:26 PM, Blogger jarhead john said...

that telemarketer one is fantastic. I wonder if it truly happened like that. If so, that is one witty individual.

 
At August 07, 2006 9:08 PM, Blogger Patty said...

I wish I ere that witty.

 

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