Saturday' Early Laugh Edition
START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
A bar in eastern China allows it's customers to beat up the
staff. The Rising Sun Anger Release Bar in Nanjing lets customers
smash glasses and even hit specially trained workers reports
China Daily. The owner, Wu Gong, says he was inspired to open the
bar by his experiences as a migrant worker. The bar employs 20
men who have been given protective gear and physical training to
prepare them for the job. Clients can ask the men to dress as the
character they wish to attack. Customer Chen Liang said: "The idea
of beating someone decorated as your boss seems attractive." But
another man, Liu Yuanyuan, said violence was not the answer. "If
people really feel angry, they should adjust their lifestyles or
seek psychological treatment."
In Romania, a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding
ring removed from his penis after his mistress got so mad at him
and stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's more embarrassing --
Getting caught cheating or finding out your penis fits through
your wedding ring.
Police called out to investigate reports of a young child left
home alone found a talking parrot instead. Police were called to
the house in Koblenz, Germany, by an elderly lady who said she
could hear a child next door constantly screaming "Mama, Mama". The
woman felt the child must have been left home alone as nobody was
answering the cries. But when officers broke into the house they
found the cries were coming from a 25-year- old talking parrot.
Wife: And another thing I want to tell you. I've noticed every
time you talk, you say my house, my automobile, my chair, my shoes;
everything's yours. You never say ours. I'm your partner. I'm your
wife. It should be ours.
The husband paid no attention to his wife and just kept looking
around the room for something.
Wife: What are you looking for?
Husband: Our pants!
It was so hot today that my cab driver said, 'If I used deodorant
this would have been the day I would use it.'" --David Letterman
I filled out a rental application that asked, 'Do you own
any liquid-filled furniture?' Couldn't they just have said
'waterbed'? How many other forms of liquid-filled furniture are
there? 'Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?'" --Lisa
"Police in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, have arrested an 80- year-old
man and charged him with selling crack. It's so sad to see what's
happened to Dan Rather." ~Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson is going to move to Ireland. He's already found a
cottage in a small village known as Glenn Creepy." ~David Letterman
"A lot of military experts are wondering how the U.S can stop
Israel from getting bombed. Israel? We can't even stop Pete Coors
from getting bombed." ~Jay Leno
On Friday, President Bush held a press conference with British Prime
Minister Tony Blair and then he met with "American Idol" Taylor
Hicks. Those are our last two remaining allies. ~Jay Leno
Floyd Landis, winner of the Tour de France, was supposed to be on
our show last week and cancelled. Then yesterday he was supposed
to be on the show and cancelled again. That's pretty sad, when
you don't even think you can pass the tonight show drug test. Come
on! The band got in. - Jay Leno
The new "Superman movie opened up recently. Superman has
been everywhere. A lot of photo shoots, interviews, movie
premieres. Shouldn't he be out fighting crime! - Dave Letterman
The report showed that president bush had no history of disease
including no sexually transmitted diseases. President Bush was
relieved to hear that. He's always worried that he might have
caught something from Clinton's old office chair. - Jay Leno
"People keep asking me, 'What evil lurks in you to play such bad
characters? There is no evil in me, I just wear tight underwear."
"The state of Nevada said it is considering legalizing small
amounts of marijuana, but opponents of the measure say they
are concerned that marijuana might attract the wrong element
to Nevada. You wouldn't want anybody smoking a joint in front of
the whorehouse." --Jay Leno
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist
trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
When a man says, "We've got to talk,"
the woman hears, "We're going to have a nice conversation."
When a woman says, "We've got to talk,"
the man hears, "Will the defendant please rise?"
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance
to get its pants on.
-- Sir Winston Churchill
I've been trying to get my stool specimen to the lab for weeks now.
I'm going to have to start getting my shit together.
-- Jerry L. Embry from Ruminations
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the
hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation. "I know I was in a bit
of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me
apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question
meant "short of breath" and not what he thought.
After noticing a beautiful young woman sat on her own in a pub,
a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over
to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you,
gorgeous?" The woman, blushed and replied: "If you're sure you
don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one please."
The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered
into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got
Mary: I'm having some sexual problems lately.
Jill: Oh, Dear! What's wrong?
Mary: I'm not getting any!
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the
question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal,
on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
A man sued his ex-wife for $1,000,000 for allegedly causing him
to become impotent. He lost the case because the evidence did
not stand up in court.
Jill meets Nadine for lunch. "You're looking very tired today,
Jill. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Jill, "but it was all very strange. While doing
some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out
popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow," says Nadine, "so what were the choices he gave you, Jill?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory
or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Jill, what did you choose?"
"I can't remember," replies Jill.
I'm forty and single. Don't you think it's a generalization that
you should be married at forty?
That's like looking at somebody who's seventy and saying, "Hey,
when are you gonna break your hip? All your friends are breaking
their hips, what are you waiting for?"
Good:Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.