Saturday, August 12, 2006

Some Funnies and well.......

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a
more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at
Methodist Hospital.

Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block
21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the
original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer
was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain
the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite
to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care
of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned
to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the
toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking
my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force,
returned the lid back to its normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my
body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's
lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain
caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that,
when one's privates are firmly attached to an immovable object,
it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the
lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the
locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on
my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended
to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys;
thus extracting myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.

Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became
a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm
and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant
quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the
attention of the store manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the
device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device,
she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called
the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with
two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4
''On-the-Spot'' news team. The guys from the fire department
quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation.

The senior member of the team discovered that the device was
attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached
once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of
tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one
that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his
examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it
in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow
at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the
wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced
to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state
to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the
device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen.

First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up,
causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that
are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the
metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that
are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot
skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the
device as the torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to
cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big
enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The
EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting
ambulance as stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give
a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which
I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

Sincerely, (name withheld)

Rumination of the Day

For me, the hardest part of breaking up
with a girl is convincing her we were
actually dating in the first place.


As you've probably heard by now, actor/director
Mel Gibson was charged with driving under the
influence for an incident in Malibu last Friday
in which he screamed obscenities and anti-Semitic
statements at the arresting officers, as
well as calling one female cop "sugar-tits."
We wonder what's next for Mel's showbiz career.

The Top 5 Proposed Movies Starring Mel Gibson
(Part I)

5> MADD Mel: Beyond Thunderbird

4> Malice & Vomit

3> Dude, Where's My Swastika?

2> Ten Things I Hate About Jews

and's Number 1 Proposed Movie Starring Mel Gibson...

1> Brainfart


The Top 5 Proposed Movies Starring Mel Gibson
(Part II)

5> An Inconvenient Vermouth

4> The Sixth Shot

3> 2006: A S'faced Odyssey

2> The Crashin' of the Chrysler

and's Number 1 Proposed Movie Starring Mel Gibson...

1> Jew, Me and Drambuie


Rumination of the Day

If I ever release an album, I'm going to
title it "10 Million German Hasselhoff Fans
Can't Be Wrong." You know those crazy Germans will buy
anything with that guy's name on it,
and then I'll have an even bigger laugh with
the leadoff single, "Oh Yes, They Freakin' *Can*!"


Rumination of the Day

Following surgery I had a near-death
experience, but ultimately convinced my
raging wife the nurse was merely checking my blood
pressure "the old fashioned way."

(Tidewater Joe)


The Top 5 Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes

5> He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned
and hallucinate like Warren.

4> He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin
latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.

3> His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.

2> Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust
bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.

and's Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Metaphor or Simile...

1> His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch,
danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.


Rumination of the Day

You had me at "filthy rich nymphomaniac
former Playmate daughter of a brewery owner."

(Lee Entrekin)


During our recent hiatus, I had a great time
attending my 75-year high school reunion
in Sugar Land, Texas. (Go Mighty Vikings!)

Sweet: I learned a girlfriend of mine was once arrested
for carving "I love Chris White" on a water tower.

Bizarre: *I* was also once arrested for carving
"I love Chris White" on a water tower.

The Top 5 Signs Your High School Reunion Is Going Badly

5> Although it sounds loftier, "Food Service Boiler Operations
Chief" is just Wendy's-speak for "French Fry Guy."

4> The bar is run by the lunch ladies and the only drinks are
Salisbury-steak coladas, sloppy Joe-tinis, and fish-stick sours.

3> Your toupee falls off while dancing to Foghat.

2> Your wife finds out from your former FFA buddies that your
"little problem playing the ponies" didn't have anything to do
with gambling after all.

and's Number 1 Sign Your
High School Reunion Is Going Badly...

1> All the guys keep hitting you up for lap dances -- on your
night off!


Rumination of the Day

You have to start stories off the right
way. Like, can you imagine how much funnier the bible
would have been if Eve had been made from Adam's butt?
Weird Fact :
Airports that are at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F88k," the rottweiler ate him!"

A Chicano widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was
alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to
see if he could contact his late wife.
The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through
the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of
his dearly departed wife.
"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Are you happy?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Happier than you were with me?"
"Yes, my husband."
"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"
"It is! Trust me, it is!"
"I do have one question for you, my snookums."
"Yes, my love, what is it?"
"When did you learn to speak English so perfectly!?"
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in
front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary,
the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The
stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was
when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack
on the head: "..underwater."


My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in
household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator
magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a
slip of paper. The note read:
"Neither does Bob Vila."


Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided
as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the
Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
astonished, astounded, mesmerized....
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice
comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat
belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are
trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".

"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little
old lady, terrified.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel
in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies
like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".

"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little

"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".



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