START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all
(It's Our Government) When I was young and adventurous I wanted to join a violent, armed group with no regard for the law, but the IRS wasn't hiring.
"My Favorite Quote" When You Feel Like You've Reached The End Of Your Rope Tie A Knot......."And Hang On!!! ...Franklin D. Roosevelt..
JoE considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish as Miss Holly, He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one. "I can't help feeling that we've met before". JoE said. "Yeah, I know". sighed Miss Holly stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'
The bellboy had just finished setting an elaborate candlelite dinner for two in the gentleman's hotel room, and enquired, "will there be anything else sir ?". - "No, thank you," said the man. - But as the bellboy was leaving, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed...'anything for your wife sir?' the observent bellboy asked. - "Yeah, that's an excellent idea," responded the hotel guest, " Bring up a postcard."
"Learn to enjoy your own company"You are the one person you can count on living with you "for the rest of your life"--Ann Richards
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
When the waiter came to take our order, I asked, "What is the soup du
jour?" The waiter turned to me and responded very slowly and clearly,
"It's the Soup...OF---THE---DAY."
My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had
gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV
for the living room. The original owners said they
didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off
after a while. After checking out the on-screen menu
features, I found there was a sleep timer set for 90
I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper
sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked.
The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird,
and yelled "Can't you see the light is still red, you
I work for a bank. I applied for a home loan from my
employer and have been waiting for approval for over
five weeks. I found out today that it has taken this
long because my loan officer was unable to get
verification of my employment.
A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked
during the office renovation and, as a result, a sharp
spur stuck out from the side. The site supervisor came
over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said,
"That's really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it
filed down." The worker reached out, touched it, and
said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor yelled "Don't touch
it!" When the worker looked at the blood welling up,
the supervisor said, "Wow, that *is* sharp!" and
reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his
finger in his mouth, and walked away with the
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an
underling. "That's what needs to be filed down," he
said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached out
and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger
Fortunately he filed it down right there and then
before anyone else could verify how sharp it was.
After moving in to our new office space, I was given
the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety
report about the building. I discovered that the
building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out
would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these
comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent
to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to
the head office about smashing the window, "Please
confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout
from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
On the back of a septic-service company truck: "Satisfaction guaranteed,
or your merchandise cheerfully refunded."
In a beauty shop window in Rancho Palos Verdes, CA: "We can do your hair
while you wait."
On a restaurant table in Thailand: "Before leaving, please check all
your belongings in your bag. If you find something that belongs to the
restaurant, please return it to its proper place."
A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed through
the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for
Two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier
are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks."
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a
sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a
slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without
saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that
young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the
young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she
hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed
me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He
himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a
beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"
There was a 10 year old boy, who's left arm was damaged and subsequently
amputated. He decided to learn judo. His Sensei
(teacher) was an old Chinese judo expert. The boy learned quickly.
After three months, he had learned only one move. He asked his teacher
to teach him more moves. The Sensai told him that this was all he would
Soon after, the boy entered a tournament, where he quickly advanced to
the finals, where his opponent was bigger and more experienced. The boy
seemed very out matched. After a long match, the opponent seemed to
loose concentration. Quickly the boy took advantage and pinned what
seemed to be his superior opponent.
On the ride home, the boy asked his Sensai. "How could I win with only
one move?" The Sensai replied, "You have nearly mastered one of the most
difficult moves in all of judo. And, the only defence against that
move, is for your opponent to grab your left arm."
Two elderly ladies were out driving in a large car. Both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an
The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be loosing it, I could have
sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another inter-section and the
light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red,
but was really concerned that she was loosing it. She was getting
nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next
intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and
they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have had us killed!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh , am I driving...?"
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's
trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he
has in training. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of
them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for
deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only
half a furlong! He gives the horse an great backhand on the rump.
He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Will you
stop it with that whip! I have to be up at four in the morning to
deliver the milk"!!
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Sam standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then
he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little
Sam's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:
"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"