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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Sunday Funnies

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers.
The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that
was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get
a new number.
"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you
change yours?"
The company refused. So Mom said, "Fine. From now on, I'm
going to tell everyone who calls that the bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day
*************************
Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he
played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice
failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a
string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have
observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use
foul language." "I guess not," said Dave, "What the hell do they have to
cuss about....?"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the
matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife
just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's
that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his
friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I
must remember to be in my own car and not hers."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening
the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded
gentleman in rabbi's garb. "May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an
aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But
rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we..." "I
know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came
here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but
understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line
up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a
large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation
and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The rabbi paid out the necessary
sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and
hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off
with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's
astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was
unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself
surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards,
relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has
been good to me. I am eighty-eight years ol d." "That is certainly
amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if
you should feel in the mood, please ask for me ... Rosie. I would be
delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What
do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five
minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again."
"Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The rabbi adjusted
himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his
chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm
asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch
above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."
"Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the
rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept,
then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to
Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As
she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I
don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless
above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi.
"Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is
I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the
hook on the door, is five hundred dollars."




One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were
attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to
invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson
before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find
around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.
This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a
smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when
an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.
My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's
cooking dinner."
*************************
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know
what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides,
she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend
said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she
can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably
be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my
suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran
out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're
running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only
woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened
by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think
you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a
hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became
more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar.
The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package
had been opened.
"Of course," the woman snapped. "I opened it. You can't expect
me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size."
A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good
health."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
You may want to grit your teeth before you read this. This is
really gruesome. When a mate was studying in Ireland, he played rugby.
As his first season wore on, the lads and him were eventually scheduled
to play a team which had a reputation for violent play.
Considering that they weren't the most talented outfit to have
ever taken the field, they decided to accept the challenge with a "do or
die" attitude, hoping things would eventually swing their way.
They didn't, and to make matters worse, their star player
dislocated his hip after a particularly ferocious tackle. He was
clearly in a lot of pain, so they all stood back to allow the medic to,
in one swift movement, slot the hip back into its socket.
Then Alan began a long blood curdling scream. To their horror,
they realised that one of his testicles had also been jammed into the
socket and was now firmly held in the place by the hip.
(Incidentally, he also managed to rip a vocal chord with his
screaming.)




One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom shagging. All of the
sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted
her legs the bee entered her fanny. The woman started screaming, "Oh my
god, help me, there's a bee up my minge. The husband immediately took
her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought
for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to
the problem if you would permit me, sir." The husband, being very
concerned, agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the
bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said, "Okay, what I'm gonna do
is rub some honey over the top of my cock and push it up your wife. When
I feel the bee I'll withdraw my cock and the bee should follow it out of
your wife's fanny." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young
lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it!" So the doctor
covered the tip of his cock with honey and slipped it gently inside
young lady. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think
the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So
the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began
shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver
with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor,
concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then
put his hands on the young lady's tits and started making loud noises.
At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now
wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor,
still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the
bastard!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Rosey had invited her younger sister, Nina, to leave her country home
and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She
also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nina out for a
night on the town.
After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nina went to Bill's
apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a
pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom.
"Oh, no," Nina protested. "I don't think my sister would like
it."
"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves
it."
*************************
The large fire department where I work sometimes runs out of the
official forms we use for inspecting equipment. Headquarters will allow
us to create our own forms on the computer.
Once, after composing a replacement document, we sent copies to
other fire stations in need of them.
Afterward, we noticed that under the signature line, someone
has mistakenly typed "Singed."




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Morris was asked if there were any good doctors is his
home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors
in the world. Dr. Hymie Cohen is one good doctor; he's great;
he saved my life."

"You don't say! How was that?"

"I was very sick and called Dr. Rabinowitz. He gave me some medicine
and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Morty Levy. He gave me
more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.

"Then I called Dr. Cohen. He had no time to come.
Dr. Cohen saved my life."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was
deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly
his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,
leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could
do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of
cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As
he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he
cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised
himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel
pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of
the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing
in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the
nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with
your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel
pump with his flashlight,turned the key and sure enough, the engine
roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched
away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a
large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at
the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've
seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole
tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you
say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes,it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because
that black horse don't know shit about cars!"
*************************

2 Comments:

At August 07, 2006 2:41 PM, Blogger Hillary's Thong said...

HAH! Edible Depends!

 
At August 07, 2006 2:56 PM, Blogger Patty said...

Thanks for visiting> Goeal is to mix humor the what matters.

 

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