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Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sunday's Editions

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

After reading many blogs, comments and articles throughout the www and watching the slanted baised news I thought I would find the definitions in this pledge that most of us know by heart. I am sure there are many schools of thoughts on this. However no where with in those four lines do I see a democracy mentioned. I see republic.

We are a Republic if we can keep it. Those were some sage words by a founder. Some of the problems as I see them is the men and women in Washington are failing to keep in touch with we the people. We the people have become complacent in our nations's business. We depend entirely to much on what we have created.

Jokes will follow below



1.Pledge: A solemn binding promise to do, give, or refrain from doing something:


al·le·giance:
1. Loyalty or the obligation of loyalty, as to a nation, sovereign, or cause.

1. republic - a political system in which the supreme power lies in a body of citizens who can elect people to represent them

Adj. 1. indivisible - impossible of undergoing division; "an indivisible union of states"; "one nation indivisible"

lib·er·ty (lbr-t)
n. pl. lib·er·ties
1.
a. The condition of being free from restriction or control.
b. The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one's own choosing.
c. The condition of being physically and legally free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor.

jus·tice (jsts)
n.
1. The quality of being just; fairness.
2.
a. The principle of moral rightness; equity.
b. Conformity to moral rightness in action or attitude; righteousness.
3.
a. The upholding of what is just, especially fair treatment and due reward in accordance with honor, standards, or law.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/




The Top 5 Web Acronyms We'd Like to See
(Part I)

5> SIYW: Surprise! I'm your *WIFE*!

4> GGMHWTV: Gotta go, Mom's here with the vacuum.

3> LOTSMKPFGM: Logging off to sell my kid's plasma for gas money.

2> AIIOMGSTV: "American Idol" is on -- must go shoot television.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Web Acronym We'd Like to See...

1> MDSYMSCAMANHH2YHWALS: My dad saw your MySpace comment about me
and now he's headed to your house with a loaded shotgun.

------

The Top 5 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

5> Don't think of it as less sex -- think of it as more time to
watch "Babylon 5" reruns.

4> You've come a long way, Baby -- for nothing!

3> Abstinence: No f**kin' way!

2> Spend a little time away from the orifice.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Slogan Promoting Abstinence...

1> "Hello, this is President Clinton with an important
message for young people...."


------

The Top 5 Positive Aspects of a Scorching Heat Wave

5> Between Starbucks and the bus stop, your Frappuccino turns
into a 20-ounce espresso.

4> Easier to understand why those Middle Easterners are
so darn cranky.

3> Hollywood starlets don't have to worry about an attack
of RCPNS: Red Carpet Pokey Nipple Syndrome.

2> Grab the stick up Ann Coulter's ass and -- BOOM! --
instant Bitchsicle!

and Topfive.com's Number 1
Positive Aspect of a Scorching Heat Wave...

1> Al Gore starts development on the World Wide Refrigerator.


------

Rumination of the Day

I've decided to create a new bracelet
that people can wear to raise awareness
on the overuse of awareness bracelets.

(Sebastian P.)



Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported. Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The following letter from the family's solicitor is addressed to a member of the British aristocracy who has been spending much of the summer in his residence in the south of France leaving his wife in the United Kingdom to look after the ancestral home. Dear Sir Royston, I hope you are having a good time on your holiday. I say this with sincerity because I am afraid that I have some bad news for you, although there is good news too. First the bad news. I am sorry to tell you that your favorite dog, Honey, is dead. The vet says that she died instantly and could have felt no pain. She was kicked in the head by your horse, Sherbert, though I'm sure that no blame can be attached to Sherbert, frightened as he was by the fire in the barn. I'm afraid that Sherbert was in the barn along with your other horses when it burnt to the ground. The fire brigade had been called within a short time of the barn catching fire and would normally have been able to put the fire out. Had it had not been for the fact that the tender crashed into your Bentley in the lane. Your wife had taken it out for a spin with your brother. As it was, both the tender and your Bently were written off. No blame can be attached to your wife for the accident I'm sure. The Bentley was stationary at the time and your wife was in the back seat of the car. She managed to escape death only due to the fact that your brother was lying on top of her at the time of the collision. The doctors say that given time she will regain her sight but that she will never walk again. She has also lost her memory and cannot even remember you. Your brother, unfortunately, was killed. I should explain how the barn came to be on fire in the first place. You see a spark from the house blew over and set the roof alight. The fire started in the main hall of the house where, as you know, your Mattisse and your Picasso once hung. I say 'once' because they are not there now. Fortunately neither of these paintings were damaged in the conflagration as they were stolen beforehand by the burglar who started the fire. Although all of this may seem to you very serious it is not in fact the bad news that I wrote of. Your wife and brother had been visiting your Insurance agent in prison where he is serving a three year sentence for fraud. I'm afraid that none of your insurance policies are valid. As I said, there is some good news. The heat from the fire warmed your greenhouse and brought your flowers on.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Try that!
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?" "Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting in a bar having a drink (or two or three), doing what most old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and their wives. They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing. And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the worst wife. Today though something was different. There was a wise looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife. The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so loud that the neighbors complained. The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water." Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?" The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth she breathes fire and your knees turn to water." The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years." The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's wife as "Sleeping-Dragon." When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite your head off." Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names. Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool, but.... Who has the worst wife?" The chief replied, "I do." Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was. The chief replied something along the lines of "Whumpo Havo Noja" Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in English to "Three-Old-Horses." More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean? The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said , "Nag, Nag, Nag."





When the power mower was broken and wouldn't run. I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally, though, I thought of a clever way to make my point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated out in the yard in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk too." The doctors say he will probably live, but I can guarantee you, it will be quite a while before those casts come off!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long, frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time -- for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean." "Well" replied the customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride." "You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately." "What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk. "Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be." " But this time I am marring an attorney, I KNOW I'll get screwed this time!!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A fellow went to his doctor complaining that his asshole was feeling terribly sore. The doctor asked him to drop his drawers and bend over so he could take a look. "It's amazing!" the doctor said, as he pulled a $20 bill from the fellow's anus. Another $20 bill appeared behind the first one, so the doctor pulled it out, too. And then another! And another! And many more. Finally, the doctor had pulled the whole pile of $20 bills from the fellow's ass, and began to count it. (I sure hope that the doctor doesn't lick his thumb when he counts money) The doctor mentioned, "There was $1980 stuck in your anus!" And the fellow replied, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Asian women have always been exotic. Two guys were arguing about the correct orientation of Japanese women's sex organs. One said that Japanese women have theirs going from side to side, while the other said it goes vertical just like everybody else. The argument went on like this for hours until they decided to settle it once and for all by going to another friend who has a Japanese wife. Surely, he should know! After being told the subject of the argument, the friend quickly said, "Vertical, just like everybody else, and I'll prove it!" Although suspecting that the duo would just feast their eyes on his wife's pussy, he called his wife anyway, and she appeared from the second-floor bedroom. "Honey, take off your panties and slide down the banister" Like a good, obedient wife, she obliged and mounted the banister. On the way down, there was a long screeeeeech, and she landed on the floor. "See? Didn't I tell you guys that its vertical just like everybody else?" The two scratched their heads in wonder. What did that prove? "If it were horizontal, the sound would have been, blub, blub, blub, blub..."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




Weird Fact :
By weight, the sun is 70% hydrogen, 28% helium, 1.5% carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen, and 0.5% all other elements.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Princeton, West Virginia, decided to expand the line of furniture in His store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find in good furrin' stuff. After arriving in Paris, he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell very well back home in West Virginia. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small Bistro and have a glass of that French wine that he had heard so much about. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He gestured for her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicat e with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the Bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. . . . . And, to this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. However, she has a little trouble parallel parking, and winds up a about a foot from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks. The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner and asks, "OK, sir... Now what?"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished. A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow." He pauses and then says, "But the REALLY bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Working as a court reporter, I hear to a lot of testimony that you won't hear on LAW AND ORDER, including the following give-and-take between the judge and a mother during a paternity suit. Judge: "Was this child born out of wedlock?" Mother: "No, sir, just outside of Louisville."




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bob had been married 25 years. He took a look at his wife one day
and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond. Now, we
have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things." His wife was a very reasonable
woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blond, and
she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap
apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher. The father
liked to inspect every new thing that cam into the house, so he
stayed in the kitchen and watched the display count down all forty-
four minutes of the dish washing cycle. Suddenly he called out for
his wife, shouting, "It's useless, the dishwasher is useless!" The
wife was amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after only
one use, but he insisted that because they had a water softener, the
dishwasher was useless. She decided to look for herself, and there it
was, on the inside door, next to the detergent dispenser: USE LESS
WITH SOFT WATER.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The orchestra conductor was missing some players in his string
section and was desperate to fill the positions before the concert
began. Just before the last rehearsal he went out the back door and
into the alley behind the concert hall. There he "hooked up" with
some very strange women of the night. He returned with two hideous
creatures whose horrid faces and wings were very disturbing to the
other players, but they were musicians of obvious talon. Nobody knew
how he did it so quickly, but in that short time outside in the alley
he somehow had contracted harpies.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the
younger men how he handled officers during his years of service. "It
didn't matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the
Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get
off." "Wow, you musta been something," the admiring young soldiers
remarked. "What was your job in the service?" "Elevator operator in
the Pentagon."


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