Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sunday's Odds and Ends

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
They say, 'Every year 138 million children are born around the world.' Damn, It looks to me like procreation is our only form of recreation.
With the break-up of the Soviet Union and the upheavals in Russia
leading to new found openness, some members of the government decided
to break with tradition and clean up some of the memorials and
exhibits around Red Square. When they opened the Lenin mausoleum for
the first time, they found him caked with filth from years of public
display, and it was extremely odiferous. This action caused such a
stir among the citizenry that some well-intentioned Russians found
themselves kicked out of office. It goes to show that even with the
new freedom in Russia, you can't air your dirty Lenin In public.

One evening while playing the roulette table, a fly landed on number
17. Being influenced by any seeming sign, one of the players put his
money on number 17. After my wheel was spun and there were no
winners, another bettor turned to the disappointed loser and quipped,
"It must have been a house fly."
I had to go on a business trip the day after my honeymoon, so I decided
to purchase a gift for my new wife. At an airport gift shop, I found a
coffee mug imprinted with the words, "I love you" inside a beautiful red
heart. Confident the mug would please my wife, I asked to have it
wrapped. She beamed when I gave it to her at dinner that night, but her
face fell when she saw the writing on the back of the mug. It read,
A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can
get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall."
"Yeah", replies the Yankee, "We have slow trains in Rhode Island too."
My wife Delores never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock.
One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who
answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal
hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a
sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really
sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets
home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the
couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
I had just moved to an address between Sunset Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one
of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my
home was located for billing purposes. "I live between Sunrise and
Sunset," I told her. "Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."
Lucky is in the midst of a long dry spell in Las Vegas. Eventually he
gambles away all his money and has to borrow a quarter from another
gambler just to use the men's room. He finds a stall that happens to be
open and pockets the quarter.

Believing that his luck has finally changed, he puts the quarter in a
slot machine and hits the jackpot. He takes his winnings and goes to
the blackjack table and turns his modest winnings into a million

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Izzy goes on the lecture circuit,
where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he
will always be eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever
finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm
that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"Yes, I remember you well, but you aren't the one I'm
looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

Several proofreaders were working together on Bill Clinton's new book
when the topic turned to the title, MY LIFE.

One proofreader turned to the other and asked, "Isn't that an 'f' in
SEX ... The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.
Weird Fact :
The colour blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.
An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls
his grandson to his bedside.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about
you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da
business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda
your wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch
and say, Times Up?"
Ya gotta love this principal
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror

Weird Fact :
Americans on average use about 580 pounds of paper per year per person.
My nine year old girl became so enamored of adventure tales that she
neglected everything to concentrate on reading. She would read
anything she could get her hands on. Her room became an unholy mess,
and all of her mother's exhortations fell on deaf ears. One
afternoon, however, my wife returned home to find our daughter's room
as spic-and-span as the operating theatre of a big hospital. Not one
thing was out of place. "How wonderful!" she exclaimed. "What got
into you?" "I've realized how important housework is," my daughter
informed her. "I read in the paper where two ladies got a year apiece
in jail, just for keeping a disorderly house."
A telephone man joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he
went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and
missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find
out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you
hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a telephone
man," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the
target. Let me see..." The telephone man checked his rifle, checked
his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put h is
finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end
of his finger off! "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain,
"the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other
"We have created a monster, Doktor Frankenstein!" screeched Igor, the
doctor's right and left hand man, his little body quivering with
delight, and before the good doctor could stop him Igor waved various
human limbs and organs in the patchwork face of the giant, howling,
"Tell me, stranger, are you from these parts?"
Little Conor William

A new teacher was trying to make use of her

psychology courses. She started her class by

saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand


After a few seconds, Little Conor William stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little

Conor William?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all

by yourself!"

Little Conor William watched, fascinated, as his

mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you

do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then

began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Conor

William. "Giving up?"


A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned

that his students might be a little confused about

Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis

on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood

that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago,

that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Conor William, waving his hand furiously,

blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very

long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked

Little Conor William how he knew this.

Little Conor William said, "Well... every morning, my

father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and

yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"


The math teacher saw that little Conor William wasn't

paying attention in class. She called on him and

said, "Conor William! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and


Little Conor William quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO

and the Cartoon Network!"


Little Conor William's kindergarten class was on a

field trip to their local police station where they

saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10

most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed

to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of

a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very

badly to capture him."

Little Conor William asked, "Why didn't you keep him

when you took his picture?"


Little Conor William attended a horse auction with

his father. He watched as his father moved from horse

to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's

legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Conor

William asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,

I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good

shape before I buy."

Conor William, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think

the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

No trees were killed in the sending of this

message. However, a large number of

electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

Henry Sanchez-Leal, M.D. (Dr.S-L)

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