Rules of Being a Guy
1.. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2.. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3.. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a. When a
heroic dog dies to save it's master b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts
unbuttoning her blouse c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
4.. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been
severed in a freak accident.
5.. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
6.. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
7.. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum.
8.. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
9.. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
10.. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
11.. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
12.. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
13.. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14.. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15.. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
16.. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.
17.. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.
18.. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
19.. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
20.. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger
cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor
is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for
speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her
window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was
how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers
"...What's a license...???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away
the fact that she was as dumb as a stump..
"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling
for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.
"Registration..... what's that.....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually
in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll
be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car. The
officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license
and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?"
"Yes...." replied the officer
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher
"Uh... yes" replied the cop.
"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back,
and drop your pants..."
"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.
"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration
and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed
with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"That's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you
came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick
his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.
One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more
cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar problem... If
I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head
before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend
you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with
crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into
you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure
you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle
fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast
your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for
the real thing!
How To Tell If You're A HIGH-TECH REDNECK
You take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your
Your eMail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
Your presence on the World Wide Web is a "Down Home Page"
You tripled the value of your truck by installing a portable DVD You
trim the kudzu back from your trailer so it won't mess up your DSL You
ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" Your screen saver is a bitmap
image of your favorite tractor You start all your eMails with the words
"Howdy!" You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools You've ever
used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink can on The bumper sticker
on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop" You know that a
'network' has nothing to do with fishin' Your baseball cap has an Intel
logo instead of "CAT" There's Bondo on your keyboard You keep inventory
of your truck parts, fishin' lures and country music
tapes in Excel
You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West signs or wood
fencing installed on your computer
You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3 player in your
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook,
Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but
only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle
it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over
stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it!
I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's
see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone
35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry.
"It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came
to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his
business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then
took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless
person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and
gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the
Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for
administrative fees and gave
the homeless person five.
A fisherman's wife was sitting on the bank of a river when
along came the ranger and said "Excuse me madam
but I need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me where
he is?" She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over
there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after
they PROMISED they would take care of it,
Mom, as usual, ended up with the
One evening, exasperated, she asked
them, "How many times do you think
that hamster would have died if I hadn't
looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest 5 year old
son replied quizzically, "Er.... Once?"
A little sure fire kid wisdom:
Never tell your mom her diet's not
WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust.
Am on the Computer, and it's only 12:15 WOW! Haven't been on enough to take care of all the Fwds, and I have a rather large list! Gotta go work, C.U.L. Friends.
This is from Sharon in OR
Here's a new idea . . .A win, win, win, solution:
1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
2. Take the dirt from the moat to fix and raise the levies in New Orleans.
3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Are there any other problems you would like for me to solve?
A Simple Mistake
It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that
such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your
own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am
sure that they will tend to over dramatize the affair. We had just
picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the G
flag for the H and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty
rolling the G flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to
the last part, I told him to ``let go'', the lad although willing is not
too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper
At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having
been plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the
anchors that were being referred to, repeated the ``let go'' to the
third officer on the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away
but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the
anchor drop from the ``pipe'' while the vessel was proceeding at full
harbor speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire
length of the port cable was pulled out ``by the roots''. I fear that
the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of
the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction,
right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up
which we were proceeding.
The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular
traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
Volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's
company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which
from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the
progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor,
too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge
operator's control cabin.
After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave
a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally
rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was
informed that the sea temperature was 53 degs and asked if there was a
film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report.
Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end
of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the
moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising
the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing
spring down onto the tug.
The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in
under the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was
answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second
officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the
sinking of the tug by some minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of
It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a
cable area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on
the riverbed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought
down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the
underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to
say where the pylon fell.
It never fails to amaze me the actions and behavior of foreigners during
moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment
huddled in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself
and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is
worthy of inclusion
in the Guinness Book of Records.
The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and, had to be
forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's
hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship
and my crew.
I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies
of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after
his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will
enable us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the
no. 1 hold.
I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no
need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty
numbers T/750101 to T/750119 inclusive.
Yours truly Master