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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Tuesday Morning Edition

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all





During the recent blackout in New York City, my sister's phone at the ferry
company rang nonstop.
Many callers asked if the service was still running.
"How?" asked one. "There's a power failure in New York."
"Don't worry," my sister replied.
"Our ferry's plugged into the New Jersey side."

*************************
In order to make it possible for everyone to attend church next week, we are
planning a
Special no-excuse Sunday.

1. Cots will be placed in the Chapel for those who say, "Sunday is my only
day for
Sleeping in."

2. Eye drops will be available for those whose eyes are tired from watching
TV too late on
Saturday night.

3. We will have steel helmets for those who believe the roof will cave in if
they show up
At church.

4. Blankets will be furnished for those who complain that the church is too
cold. Fans
Will be on hand for those who say the church is too hot.

5. We will have hearing aids for those members who say, "the speakers don't
talk loud
Enough." There will be cotton for those who say, "the speakers talk too
loud."

6. Score cards will be available for those who wish to count the hypocrites.

7. We guarantee that some relatives will be present for those who like to go
visiting on
Sunday.

8. There will be TV dinners available for those who claim they can't go to
church and cook
Dinner, too.

9. One section of the church will have some trees and grass for those who
see God in
Nature, especially on the golf course.

10. The chapel will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter
lilies to
Create a familiar environment for those who have never seen the church
without them.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Throughout the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a
Collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten
Degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course sir."

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




At ROTC (Reserve Officers' Training
Corps) summer camp at an Air Force Base in Florida, we were nervous about
our approaching survival training, for we would be pitching our tents in a
snake-infested swamp.Our instructor, advising us on the treatment of snake
bites, explained that the venom of rattlesnakes, copperheads and water
moccasins affected the circulatory system. Their bites were to be treated
with tourniquets, incisions and suction. The poison of the coral snake, on
the other hand, affected the nervous system. At this point he closed his
manual."Sir," asked a cadet, "what do we do if a coral snake bites one of
us?""Turn to page A1-7 in your manuals."There was a flurry of activity as we
flipped through the guides. When we looked up, our smiles were sickly. Page
A1-7 consisted entirely of interdenominational
prayers.


*************************
Weird Fact :
In a study that was done by the University of Chicago in 1907, it was concluded that the easiest color to spot is yellow. This is why John Hertz, who is the founder of the Yellow Cab Company picked cabs to be yellow.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think
I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist,
and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.
Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can
check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast
and tells her to say, "99"
She says "99"
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his
hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99"
She says "99"
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.
"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table
and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is
checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc.
Once more he tells her, "Say 99"
She says, "one, two, three.........."


*************************
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just
waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!" he squeaks
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he roared.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells. "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
"It was Momma Bear, who got up first."
"It was Momma Bear, who woke up everyone in the house."
"It was Momma Bear, who made the coffee."
"It was Momma Bear, who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away."
"It was Momma Bear, who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
the newspaper."
"It was Momma Bear, who set the table. " "It was Momma Bear, who put
the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food
dishes."
"And now that you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and grace
Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence ...
Listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time ..."
"I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A kiss is a upper preparation for a lower invasion that will lead to
further penetration with fast acceleration that will build the next
generation


*************************




ADVICE FOR GOLFERS
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go
ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says,
"Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."

"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"

The guy looks through his notebook again and says,
"Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."

"Were you in room 1368?"

The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368."

The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"

The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"

The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs.
Wentworth."

The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're
right. I didn't like it either."


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
African Baobab tree's circumference can reach 180 feet. If the trunk is hollow, 20 people would be able to fit inside of it.

*************************




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Bastard

GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did
he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: ...Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: ...Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: ...Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But... he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: What a BASTARD!
*************************
A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant
demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the
amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their
marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you
know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me
drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that
start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking
sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from,
and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note
to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding
and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her
note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I
didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the
bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure
that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you
upstairs."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

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