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A letter from an Indian mother to her son.
My dear Jagjit,
I am well here and hoping you are also well there. I'm writing this
letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here
took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have
to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address
plate here, and that our address will remain same too. This place is really
It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not
sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The
first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you
wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in
the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting
the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash.
He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We
were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is
a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he
burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his
father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea
after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
P.S : Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I
I had already sealed off this letter.
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure
at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop pretty
high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
However, the next morning the kangaroo
was out again, just roaming around the zoo.
The zoo officials raised the height of the
fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the
next morning the kangaroo was again
roaming around the zoo.
This kept on, night after night, until the fence
was sixty feet high. Finally, the camel in the
next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How
high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "Oh, about a thousand
feet, I think... unless somebody remembers
to lock the gate at night!"
Wishing you all a good day!!!
Steelers # 1
A couple of blondes went on vacation in Colorado. They
flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the
sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above
the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it
swaying in the wind.
"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge,"
one said to the other.
"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a
A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary.
The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her
Mercedes Benz to take it back."
The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell
what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."
With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't
the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."
DEFINITIONS ACCORDING TO GENDER
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female: Any part under a car's hood.
b. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male: Playing football without a jockstrap.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.
4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
home run or goal. Also good for mooning.
5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement and male
8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2
The Fart Chart
1.. AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart
2.. AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts
3.. ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private
4.. AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes
5.. ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3
6.. BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others
7.. BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others
8.. CARELESS : Farts in church
9.. CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles
10.. CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time
11.. CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest
12.. CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which
13.. CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating
14.. DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's
15.. DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog
16.. DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell
17.. DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own
18.. ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the
19.. FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours
20.. FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts
21.. GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart
22.. HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason
23.. IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs
24.. LAZY : Just fizzles
25.. MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles
26.. MISERABLE : Can't fart at all
27.. MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass, Clear as a bell, smells like shit and
28.. NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart
29.. PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant
30.. SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers
31.. SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts
32.. SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying
33.. SHY : Blushes when he farts silently
34.. SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear
35.. SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present
36.. SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog
37.. STINGY : Belches to save his ass-hole
38.. STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter
39.. THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve
40.. TIMID : Jumps when he farts
41.. UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself
42.. VAIN PERSON : One who loves the smell of his own fart
43.. WHIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion
44.. WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit
Make it out of a desert
An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the
when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to
nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the
guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the
guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing
the rancher said, Hi there... what are you doing carring a glass of
through the desert?
The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had
long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the
A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward
with a loaf of bread in his hand. What are you doing? asked the rancher
As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he
a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.
Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand.
curious than ever, the rancher asked, Hey, why are you dragging that
Well, he said, I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll
down the window.
A little boy and a little girl are playing Doctor behind a barn. They
are both near naked. The little boy's Mum comes around the corner, and
catches them. She grabs her son by the arm and drags him back to the
house, spanking him the whole way.
When they get back to the house, she sits him down and says to him,
"Don't be messin' with those little girl's vaginas, they got teeth down
there and they'll bite off anything that gets near it."
Well, the little boy grew up still thinking this. He gets to High
and falls in love at 17 years old and still a virgin. They remain
together for years and eventually, he asks her to marry him.
They wed on his 24th birthday, and went off on their honeymoon, and as
he had remembered his Mother's words throughout their courtship, he was
still a virgin.
On the first night of the honeymoon they lay in bed and fool around for
a while before he rolls over and turns out the light.
His new wife says "Just a minute, aren't we going to have sex?" He
replies "No, my Mom done told me about you women, ya'all got teeth in
She says "I don't, if you don't believe me turn on the light and have a
So he turns the light back on and she shows him. "Well?" she says.
"No wonder you aint got no teeth," he answers after inspecting her.
"Look at the shape your gums are in!"
Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies,
"Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too,
but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head
out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our
First!) for a "good time."
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some
time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door.
"Yes?" she asks.
"I'm here to have a good time!"
The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then
bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had
come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"
"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"
"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked
the third one!
THINGS A MAN DOESN'T APPRECIATE BEING SAID WHEN A WOMAN IS LOOKING AT
1. Why is God punishing me?
2. At least this won't take long.
3. I never saw one like that before.
4. But it still works, right?
5. It looks unused.
6. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
7. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
8. Are you cold?
9. If you get me real drunk first.
10. Is that an optical illusion?
11. What is that?
12. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
13. Does it come with an air pump?
14. So this is why you're to judge people on personality.
15. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to
a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.
"I am going to do word association,explained the doctor. "I am going to
say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."
"Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Breasts," said the patient with the same reply.
"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples,
watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the
connection?" asked the doctor.
"Easy ... one on the left and one on the right!"