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Tuesday, August 01, 2006

White Trash Wednesday

How to Keep Beer Cold
http://www.myscienceproject.org/beer.html
Citizen's Self-Arrest Form
http://www.ou.edu/oupd/selfarr2.htm
Helping Seniors Targeted By Fraud
http://www.fraud.org/elderfraud/helpsen.htm
Historic Tours of America
http://www.historictours.com/
Free Office Programs Via Simon at Computer Tips and Tricks

Computer_tricks_and_tips-subscribe@yahoogroups.ca
Ragtime Solo DTP - Desktop publishing package free to 'home' users
http://www.ragtime-online.com/
Nvu WYSIWYG - web authoring
http://www.nvu.com/index.php
PDF995 - turn your documents into pdfs (portable document files)
http://www.pdf995.com/


The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, "I have a headache!"
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin, you can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
John O'Reilly was out at the pub and he hoisted his beer and made a toast, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
This story happened about a month ago in a little town, Muddy Gap, in
Wyoming, which is known for the small population and long lonely
distances
between towns;........ and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale,
it's real.

A hitch-hiker was on the side of the road trying to hitch a ride on a
very
dark night in the middle of a snow storm. The night passed slowly as
only a
few cars went by. The storm was so fierce that he could hardly see ten
feet
ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It
slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reactively, the guy got into the
car
and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the
wheel.
The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared
to
think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly
approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his
life;
he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to
his
death, when just before the curve, a craggy hand appeared thru the
window
and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the
car
and ran toward some lights that was the only town for miles.

Cold, wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered
two
shots of whiskey, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural
experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was
apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later Buck and Bell walked into the same bar. Buck
says
to Bell, "Honey, Look, ain't that the greenhorn that jumped in and rode
in
our car when we were pushing it in the blizzard?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish-English
a second language. Backers of the move say the district is
the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language
of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit,
notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles, and Scarsdale.

In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after
a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances
beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front
is used for emphasis:
Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."

These common phrases were translated from "Standard English"
to Hebronics:

English: "He walks slowly"
Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."

English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?"

English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!"

English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?

English: "Anything can happen."
Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"

English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter,
something's wrong with it?"

English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "Let's not go skiing"
Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled
to you?




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to
discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the
programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering
from
a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue." Curious, the team leader raised
his
eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was
preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told
my
colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus.
"It's
a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said. "What could be
worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let's Just Be Friends
virus?"
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a
plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit
under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under
his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened
the window as wide as possible and then busied himself
with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the
desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.

TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues
to farm as he has in the past.

TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year
anyway.

TO THE FARM ADVISOR: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the
market.
I never did.

TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years.

TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and
fertilizer
dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me.

TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral please. No
sense having good weather now.

TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough.

TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now
properly assumed all of his obligations."

"+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Help Desk Cafe"

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your
Support. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be
there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the
soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is
still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with
the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe
it's a configuration problem. How was the
bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer.
What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you
did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup
of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to
the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of
the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is
changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day
now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is
tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup,
and the check. I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another
bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup
and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't
ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat
anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$1.00

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