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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

White Trash Wednesday


START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
-------------One Nation Under God---------------
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all





~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
I Miss Bill Clinton (no Really I do)


It doesn't matter what party you belong to -- this is hilarious.


From a show on Canadian TV there was a black comedian
who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the
closest thing we ever got to having a black man as
President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
;
Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he
don't! And, he gets a check from the government every
month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be
stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton
Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most
distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie
in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line
to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built
in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

Clinton revised the judicial oath: "I solemnly swear
to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I
believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you
need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only
President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."

---ya gotta love it.
(Now see why I miss him)




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm
Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You
wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse
me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of
boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend
comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see
how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we
pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol
stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all
catch all them fish?" "No - We talked 'em into giving up.
Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery
Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And
there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that
shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this
pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite
you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose
it!"

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of
those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out,
looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go
flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around
and those other three just swelled right up on me! Here's your
sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came
over to the house and drove the car around for about 45
minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car,
reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn
that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.
Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take
the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no
problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until
he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I
looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and
said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feces.

In other words, we are consuming one kilo of crap. However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.

It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you.

THEREFORE - It is better to drink beer and talk crap than to drink water and be full of it !!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
In 1875 a Danish couple converted to became Mormons and moved to Cache
Valley Utah. They set up a farm in Rural Providence, Utah, and were
self-sufficient for a couple of years. By the third year, the husband
decided to take a second wife, as Mormons of the time did. His wife was
not too keen on the idea, so he convinced a Swedish neighbor to help in
a plan to convince her.
"Let us go to the barn, and pray for guidance on this major
decision," said the husband. "Whatever God tells us, that's what we'll
do."
They went to the barn, got on their knees, and old farmer Madsen
started with the usual openings to Mormon prayers. After a few minutes
of this, he posed the question: "Heavenly Father, should I take another
wife?"
Farmer Olson was in the rafters, as previously had been
arranged, and in the most booming, deep voice he could muster, said
"Brother Madsen, I command thee to take another wife."
After a moment, farmer Madsen looked over to his wife, and saw
that she was sobbing uncontrollably. He put his arm around her, and
said, "There there, a second wife will be an addition to the family, but
she will never be a replacement for you. I'll still love you just as
much."
Mrs. Madsen said "I have no problem with you taking a second
wife, I've been resigned to that for a year now. But in my worst
nightmare, I NEVER imagined that God was a Swede!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The summer band class was just getting under way when a large
insect flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny
new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually
one student could stand it no more.
He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he
stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a bee?" another student asked.
"Nope," he replied. "It's a bee flat."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



Police have nabbed two Japanese men for siphoning off electricity in
heists worth less than 1 cent each.
A 28-year-old man was caught red-handed by a patrolling police
officer last month after unplugging a business's neon sign and using the
electricity to recharge his mobile phone.
The other culprit, a 22-year-old university student, was giving
a street performance when he unplugged a vending machine in order to
power his portable stereo. A police officer was alerted after local
residents complained about the noise.
Police said they could not let the incidents slide, even though
the men are believed to have stolen $0.0094 worth of electricity.
Both men confessed and have gotten off with reprimands.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A German has been jailed for declaring his parents dead 40 times
in order to get charity hand-outs. The 31-year-old prevailed upon
churches and individuals to part with (about $7,300) in total to ease
the pain of his mother's or father's "passing," a court spokesman told
reporters.
He was sentenced to three years in jail for 40 successful acts
of fraud. The litany of faked deaths came to an end when a woman he
approached for a hand-out was his parents' attorney.

---------------------

At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show
featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why. No
amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.
Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his
reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because
"...they choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
And now a word from our legal department:.....

This is a test. It is only a test. If this were not a test, it would not
be called test. Therefore, it is still a test and only a test. This test
is not to be confused with an emergency test. For that is an old test.
Those who created this test need no embellishment for they have already
passed this test and you need to pass this test as well.

If you received this test with prior notification that you were about to
receive this test, then it would be safe to say that you too are part of
this test. However, if you were not part of this test and received it,
then you could pass this test to the person or persons who should have
received this test on their behalf.

If you want to take this test, then you are most welcome to take this
test as long as you too pass this test. The pathway to the success of
this test leads the way to two kinds of constraints, those that pass the
test and those that do not pass the test. However, if you fail this test
it will go on record that you to have not succeeded in passing this
test.

Please note, that anyone not authorized to take this test, will be in
violation of test requirements and therefore their participation in this
test will be known as an invalid test. It is in the judgment of the test
committee, that, test management immediately disqualifies all invalid
tests. Empowered with this new understanding we could create more
assertive tests.

For those of you who have any questions about this test they should
write them down and send them to the test committee whereby they will
have a meeting to discuss the further possibilities of having still
another test.

In the meantime, Thank you for taking part in this test. This concludes
this test.

Signed,
Test Management

P.S. A warning is hereby given to those who have been granted permission
to take this test, they should never seek council after taking this
test.
~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
This older musician only had
moderate success in his field,
but he was a wonderful music teacher.
One day he had an inspiration and
decided he could teach white mice to
play classical music.

He assembled 16 mice and hand
fashioned various instruments for
each mouse.

He worked hard teaching the mice
to play the 1812 Overture.

After three years he was ready to
expose his symphony orchestra to
the world.

He was granted an appointment with
a famous talent agency, and appeared
at their conference room of the
Madison Avenue agency.

The mice assembled, picked up their
little instruments, and
proceeded to play the best
1812 Overture ever heard.

The conductor mouse took three bows,
as did the 1st violinist.

The man, seeing his life's greatest achievement,
turned to the head of the talent agency,
and asked, "So, what do you think
of my orchestra, sir?"

The agency boss said, "They are the greatest
act I've ever seen. You are to be congratulated,
but I can't book them, and that's final."

The man, with his heart broken asked,
"But.. but, WHY can't you book them?"

The agency boss said in a whisper,
"Because the drummer looks Jewish!"




With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year old woman
gave birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives
came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet" said the 65 year old
mother, "but soon."

Thirty minutes passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new
baby now?" "Not yet" said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they again asked, "May we see the
baby now?" "No", replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"WHEN IT CRIES", she told them. "WHEN IT CRIES??", they demanded. "Why
do we have to wait until it CRIES??."

"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put it...
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for
a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the
officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart
young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and
reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but
he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit
of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she
accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this
is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."

1 Comments:

At November 25, 2006 2:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it!
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