A giggle

Weird Fact of the Day
Abraham Lincoln's mother died when she drank
the milk of a cow that grazed on poisonous snakeroot.

Weird Fact of the Day
A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups
for approximately sixty-nine years.

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than an 'A' bra.

Little Johnny's mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field trip. "Yes, it was great. We saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers." Mom: "Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?" Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks." Mom: "But who said they were called, er, fuckers?" Johnny: "That was our teacher. Well, actually, she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."

"I saw Spiderman last night, awesome movie. But I kept thinking how lucky Peter Parker was to have those web shooters form in his forearm instead of his ass like every other spider on the planet."

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis and to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, just before their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

You don't need cyber-sex....
AOL goes down on you all the time

1. Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. The counselor asked, "Both of you?" "Yes," replied the husband. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

2. When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancée quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

3. Top Ten Signs His Relationship Is On The Rocks
10. Her term of affection for him is "You Bastard."
9. She shaves his eyebrows off while he's asleep.
8. She rushes to answer the phone each time it rings, and puts it down with a hushed, "I can't talk now... I'll call you later."
7. His picture on her wall has darts in it.
6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
5. She falls asleep during sex. The oral kind. While she's giving it.
4. When he calls her, she answers his voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
3. She cancels his date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program. And the Number One Sign His Relationship Is On The Rocks...
1. Her cat pees on him. And receives a reward.

Some places to kill some time.

Every once in a while it is nice to just wonder around and not think about the idiots that are trying to run our country into the ground. Rest you mind recharge and go after the goal again.
Here I try to give everyone a smile and a break from reality. Then we can all take our places in the game again.

http://www.roadsideamerica.com/set/CIVIchair.html

http://www.jamesgang.com/jamesgang/room/index.html

http://www.tornadoproject.com/toptens/toptens.htm

http://www.frontporchinspirations.com/a/Whats_So_Grand.html

grins and giggles

Remember 9/11/01 http://www.911digitalarchive.org/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In most Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below. One morning in March 2004 about 3AM RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta. Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The man panicked, he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 MPH, but the car itself was still stuck in the snow. Constable Wisen, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the officer is actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over." This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMP's special training and just how can the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb. "May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we..." "I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me ... Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is five hundred dollars."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do we know men invented maps?
A. Who else would make an inch into a mile?
The problem with the designated driver program, is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -- Jeff Foxworthy
Helpful Hint #3 Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Q. What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change operation in order to become a nun?
A. A transsister.
Q: What's a Redneck's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the truck door.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... so I said "Implants? "
So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means
I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common???
They are both looking for dead beaver!!
Q. What's the definition of "virginity?"
A. A big issue over a little tissue.
Q. What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A. Pump kin
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes
How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.
"You know you're getting fat when you pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza

Which Is It? What is it about the navy and submarines that women love so much? Is it the concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen . . . or is it the concept of going down for three months at a time?
A new study says that having sex decreases your chances of getting a cold. The more sex you have, the less you'll have a cold. Just wait until guys get hold of this. A woman sneezes and he'll be saying, "Hey, I got something for that."

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into
one country and call it Irate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond. "I have observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use foul language." "I guess not," said Dave, "What the hell do they have to cuss about....?"
~~~~
Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." "Why's that?" "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."
~~~~~~
Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I must remember to be in my own car and not hers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes." "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!" An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!" A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit." A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit." The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Jan. 14, 2006, 1:16AM
Indicting grand jury had Democratic tilt Panel
had fewer Republicans than one that rejected
DeLay charge, voting data show
By R.G. RATCLIFFE and AMY RASKIN
Copyright 2006 Houston Chronicle Austin Bureau

AUSTIN - The grand jury that returned the money-laundering indictment that has been plaguing Republican U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay had more of a Democratic tilt than a grand jury that rejected such charges.
The names of the people who served on the two grand juries were released to the Houston Chronicle on Friday under the state's public information act. Those names were cross-checked with Travis County voting records.
The 14-member grand jury that returned an Oct. 3 money- laundering indictment against DeLay included seven people with a history of voting in Democratic primaries.
For The Rest Of This Story: http://tinyurl.com/ay27v

Gee who is shocked or surprised? Anyone. When one is on a witch hunt then you find the best rigged witteness you can i.e. in this instance jury.

Rumblings from the Rocker

Clinton backs Blair as future UN chief
January 15, 2006
The British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has the backing of former US president Bill Clinton to become a future secretary-general of the United Nations.
Clinton told BBC television Blair would make a "good" head for the international organisation when he leaves office, as he has indicated he will before the next election, expected by 2010 at the latest.http://tinyurl.com/blqm3

Clinton backs Blair as UN chief
Last Updated: Saturday, 14 January 2006, 05:07 GMT
Tony Blair would make a "good" secretary general of the United Nations, former US president Bill Clinton has said.
Mr Clinton said he had discussed Mr Blair's future with him and told him there was "a lot of good you can do in the world" after leaving Number 10. http://tinyurl.com/bvrlp


HindustanTimes.com » World » Europe
Bill Clinton backs Tony Blair as future UN chief
Agence France-PresseLondon, January 14, 2006
http://tinyurl.com/bdjsc

Why does anyone care about his opinion. First and formost he is a x- president that was impeached. He was not a good president. Other than allowing this nation's interestc to be attacked and ignoring terrorism, and breaking every damn law he didn't like, he has no legacy.
He has suddenly decided to over shadow his wife with His I I I Me Me Me I can't decide which is worse listening to her or him. Will this pompus windbag ever shut up and go find a new lay??????

Victim Lost

Source: Al-Zawahiri not
among 18 killed in airstrike
Saturday, January 14, 2006; Posted: 1:24 p.m. EST (18:24 GMT)
(CNN) -- Ayman al-Zawahiri -- Osama bin Laden's right-hand man in the al Qaeda terrorist network -- was not killed in a CIA airstrike on a remote Pakistani village, according to a Pakistani intelligence official.
U.S. sources said al-Zawahiri was the target of Friday's strike and initially reported that he may have been among the 18 people killed.
The Pakistani intelligence official said it was not known whether al-Zawahiri was in the area.
Pakistan's Foreign Office said Saturday it had lodged a protest with the U.S. ambassador to Pakistan over the attack on the village of Damadola, near the Afghan border.
"Pakistan will also take up this matter in the next meeting of Tripartite Commission," a statement read. The group is made up of senior military and diplomatic representatives from coalition forces, Afghanistan and Pakistan.
For the rest of this Story: http://tinyurl.com/dn294

So what the victim as ABC calls him wasn't home wonder what hole in the ground he was hiding in. Oh well better luck next time. Now for the other thought here MSM stirring the mix. No they wouldn't do that would they. I have a few thoughts if Pakistan wish to continue playing both sides against the middle lets play hard ball.
1) All U.S. companies have to immediately close up shop and move.
2) No more U.S. dollars spent in their economy.
3) No more protection from the U.S. you are now at the hands of the terrorist.
End of story.
We of the United States refuse to further advance the cause of Islam. Anyone have a problem with that get in line. That would be the who gives a sh*t line over on the left.

Recalling Greatness

I found this at GM's Corner. I thought this was just the coolest idea. Of all the presidents that have served this nation in my life time this Man did in fact serve his nation. He never forgot what our country was all about. That is why I am a self proclaimed democrat. That and the fact if I want to vote in a primary here in Eastern Oklahoma I have to be a democrat. All local races are determined in the primary elections.
That being said I say yeehaaaa lets do it!!!!!

What happens when a whorehouse catches fire?
Some come out running and some run out coming!
Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret? "His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube." Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family is a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes. "When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says nothing. He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."
-----------------------
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is. "Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head". "Ouch! What happened?" "He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!" "Yeah, then what?" "Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"
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The Top 10 Signs You're Not the Sexual Marvel You Once Were
10 These days, you get winded just turning down the blanket.
9 "Five times in one night" now means that your overactive bladder syndrome is acting up again. 8 Bob Dole sends you an FTD "Sorry You're Flaccid" bouquet.
7 Then: "Where's Waldo?" played in bed with your pendulous babe; Now: "Where's Waldo?" played in bathroom with your pendulous stomach.
6 Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl" position now lands you in traction for a week.
5 Then: She slipped gently into sleep after spending 30 minutes in a post-orgasmic stupor. Now: She says you're blocking her view of the TV.
4 It takes six Viagras just to play hard to get.
3 Your mother doesn't knock on the bathroom door and express her concern nearly as often as she used to.
2 You can still make her eyes roll back in her head, but now it's out of annoyance.
1 Your come-on line to a cute, 18-year-old high school student with tight jeans and an exposed belly? "GET OFF MY LAWN!!!"
----------------
You Might be Italian if... At 35, you still have a phobia of walking through your parent's dining-room. As a child, your last week of summer holidays were always spent putting caps on sauce-filled Mio bottles. Contrary to medical literature, you still believe that eating two plates of pasta, three fried veal cutlets, two sausages, and a half bottle of wine makes for a healthy dinner. You "close" the light and "open" the TV. You maintain that broom handles, wooden spoons, and slippers are all tools for effective parenting. Although the food isn't as good, you prefer attending relatives' funerals over weddings because they're so much cheaper. You can rebuild a motor and frame a house, but couldn't operate a washing machine if your life depended on it. Every single picture frame, salt shaker, nut cracker, candle holder, and butter knife in your home is a "present" from previous weddings. Because of years of getting yelled at by your mother, you know more saint names than the Pope. Your father signed you up for hockey just long enough to accumulate enough broken sticks for his garden.
-----------------
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
------------------
Alcohol Warnings
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
-------------------
Weird Fact of the Day
4% of an apple is made up of minerals and vitamins, and over 80% is made up of water.

Weird Fact of the Day
Scientists at the Texas A&M University's Institute for Biosciences and Technology are working on ways to grow vaccines inside of bananas.

Weird Fact of the Day
Instead of a birthday cake, many children in Russia are given a birthday pie.

If you're not familiar with the Darwin awards, these are given yearly to those individuals who remove their obvious substandard genes from the humane gene pool.

BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Killin Time Let me Help

Wanta kill some time.
These are funny gross and just weird
http://www.eia.doe.gov/

http://www.optillusions.com/dp/1-49.htm

http://www.anti-bored.com/dp/2-7.htm

http://cagle.msnbc.com/politicalcartoons/

http://www.uark.edu/ua/pirelli/html/pirelli_trail_map.html

http://www.ethicalatheist.com/docs/ten_commandments.html#1

http://www.singintomymouth.com/bathroom.html

Adult giggles

Adults

Remeber 9/11/01

Dictionary A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dict- ionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.
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Checkup Bernie took his wife Sadie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining her, the doctor took Bernie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your wife. Her mind has completely gone." "I'm not really surprised," Bernie replied, "Sadie's been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."
----------------
Favorite sex positions Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions: One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's" and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."
------------------
Big feet
This lady goes into a bar in Waco and sees this cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed there I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible, but I made it." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather.."
*************************
Things To Remember"
To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.
When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider dating outside the family.
A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.
-----------------
A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!" Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank !" Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me twenty dollars too much. Bye.
************
" I have a brother who was on a plane that had taken off and was approaching cruising altitude, when one of the flight attendants came on the public-address system. She announced that she was sorry, but the plane's restroom was out of order. The flight attendant went on to apologize to the passengers for any inconvenience. But then she finished cheerily with: "So, as compensation, free drinks will be served."
*************
Last time Bill was in the hospital, he really enjoyed himself: Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses, offering to show them his circumcision scar, and the like. One nurse finally had all she could stand of his crude behavior and said, "A pervert like you should be living in a whore house!" Bill grinned at her and said, "Well, it WOULD be cheaper than here, but I can't get my insurance to pay for it."
***************
On his honeymoon, a very thick redneck farmer, Billy Joe, insisted on having a room at the luxury hotel with a balcony overlooking the sea. On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie. "Hey Billy Joe, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time" she said coyly. "No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said. So Daisy sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Billy Joe once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually Daisy grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep. In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony. "Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked. "Well my pa said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life - and I didn't want to miss a moment of it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Astrological After Sex Comments
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win. A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?" The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old but still Funny
FEMALE PRAYER Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who is handsome, smart, and strong. One who loves to listen long. One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, he won't get annoyed. He'll pull out my chair and open my door, massage my back and beg to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend...Amen
MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute sex maniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat. This doesn't rhyme but I don't care...Amen.

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to Morris the hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything. "The hot dog vendor fixes a loaded hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. Morris the vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's mychange?" asks the Zen Master. Morris responds, "Change must come from within."=
================================
On some air bases the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you're a United Airlines Flight, it's 3 o'clock. If you're an Air Force flight, it's 1500. If you're a Navy flight, it's 6 bells. If you're an Army flight, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If you're a Marine Corps flight, it's Thursday afternoon."
===========================
Reservists like myself always had a hard time parking on base, as most spaces were set aside for the brass. My wife never had this problem. I finally found out why after she drove me to the PX and parked in a space marked "Reserved." "See?" she said. "Just look at all the spaces they've set aside for you Reserves."
----------------------------------------------------------

Rantin from the rocker Ref: Fred

Okay I was gonna post some jokes. But first things first.
Thanks Fred now I need a shower. Dem Underground Crying. sh******tttttttt. That was disgusting. Completely disgusting ICK!!!!!!!!!
The saddest thing is that there are people living in this alternate universe. ICK.............
Once upon a time I lived in another world I was a cop and the likes of that trash the dem underground made themselves victims.
Cops talked about how so and so did such and such to be a victim and get attention. It always worked!!!! they got exactly what they wanted because they made themselves the victim!!!!
Those cry babies need to do exactly what the rest of us have had to do. Put away the toys and grow the hell up......
Yep grow up figure out that this is the real world and that just because you have a little money or looks you damn sure ain't special. Looks will fade with time now matter how many tucks and nips you can afford. Money is easy come and easy go. Should the economy fail there are a lot of folks that can't make it.
Respect you earn respect. Yes that's right you earn it. Its not freely given. Respect is obtained through trial after trial after trial. Its not something you buy or beg or receive at birth. You work for respect. You get knocked down you pick your ass up and you go on. If that means you get knocked down again then you repeat this. {there is a theme here}
I am so tired of the lower than a boat anchors in Hollywierd screaming that they have a point. First of all screaming will not get my attention. That only reinforces my thoughts that someone needs a nap or timeout.
If someone wishes to get a point across to me or anyone then perhaps try to converse like an adult. I did my time on diaper patrol. Thanks all the same.
I was reading today on BornAgain Redneck about being poor. Poverty in this nation is as close or as far as you want it to be..

I've been on both sides of that street and guess what? Anyone male, female, white, green, purple black or red like me can pick themselves up dust themselves off and make something better for themselves.
My son was born at Tuskegee Inst. Yep that's right a red/white baby in a black hospital 24 1/2 years ago. Red/White babies were rare there. He was spoiled from the time his little pink butt hit the world. I was poor. I had nothing except a handful of divorce papers and a camp trailer. As soon as my son was born I made him a promise I will do the best as I can for you and we won't always be living in a 8X12 trailer.
Guess what from then on it only got better. Yes it got better because I live the American Dream. I can damn well be what ever I want to be. (Oh and did I mention I am red? Red is a color huh? ) No one gave me anything. I earned it. Yes I earned a detective shield. A red woman in redneck America that earned a det shield damn near 20 years ago. That was not easy. I didn't sleep with someone to get it I earned it.
I didn't earn the accident that retired me . That was a set back. Guess what? I began again. I struggled and overcame handicaps that I was told I could not achieve and I went into construction. I earned a sterling reputation. I earned the respect of every man that ever worked under me. I only had one other woman that worked for me. Women in Construction are not the norm. To this day I am still in construction of sorts. I am an inspector.
You want me to cry for you then tell me a sadder story than I have lived at times. Tell me something that is heart wrenching. Tell me about the baby that was abused and died on Christmas Eve. Tell me about an elderly person that's family don't have time for them. Tell me something sad.
Don't tell me that Bush stole the white house. That is not sad to me that is accounting. Hey get a better accountant. Even Al Capone's accountant would have told you that John f*n Kerry lost fair and square. That that idiot Gore lost that same way. Count it the American People spoke one vote at a time... Get it one vote at a time. The electoral College one vote at a time.
Get over it........

Have You Seen This Yet??????

I did. I started to just cut and paste from my friend Pat. But then I decided to steal from
THE TRUTH LAID BEAR..Let you voice and keyboard be heard.http://tinyurl.com/75y6x





An Appeal from Center-Right Bloggers
We are bloggers with boatloads of opinions, and none of us come close to agreeing with any other one of us all of the time. But we do agree on this: The new leadership in the House of Representatives needs to be thoroughly and transparently free of the taint of the Jack Abramoff scandals, and beyond that, of undue influence of K Street.

We are not naive about lobbying, and we know it can and has in fact advanced crucial issues and has often served to inform rather than simply influence Members.
But we are certain that the public is disgusted with excess and with privilege. We hope the Hastert-Dreier effort leads to sweeping reforms including the end of subsidized travel and other obvious influence operations. Just as importantly, we call for major changes to increase openness, transparency and accountability in Congressional operations and in the appropriations process.
As for the Republican leadership elections, we hope to see more candidates who will support these goals, and we therefore welcome the entry of Congressman John Shadegg to the race for Majority Leader. We hope every Congressman who is committed to ethical and transparent conduct supports a reform agenda and a reform candidate. And we hope all would-be members of the leadership make themselves available to new media to answer questions now and on a regular basis in the future.
http://tinyurl.com/75y6x

VICTIM OH HELL NO

EXCLUSIVE: Pakistani Military
Sources Say Zawahiri May Be Dead
By BRIAN ROSS
Forensic Tests to Reveal Fate of al Qaeda Number Two


Jan. 13, 2006 — Today, according to Pakistani military sources, U.S. aircraft attacked a compound known to be frequented by high level al Qaeda operatives. Pakistani officials tell ABC News that al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri, Osama bin Laden's top lieutenant, may have been among them.
U.S. intelligence for the last few days indicated that Zawahiri might be in the location or about to arrive, although there is still no confirmation from U.S. officials that he was among the victims.
For the rest of this Story: http://www.abcnews.go.com/WNT/story?id=1504096

Now I am pissed Victim Victim WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! OH HELL NO a victim is someone that has not done anything. Like the 3000+ victims in this nation. He was/is not a victim he is a f*cking terrorist!!! This is not giving me that real good feel good feeling....... This is pissing me off ABC aka MSM. Where is my good loving feeling from you? To call a cold blooded killer a victim is beyond words.................

Not that Anyone Cares.

Dinosaur Found in
Mammal's Belly
Hillary Mayellfor
National Geographic News
January 12, 2005

Early mammals were not only bigger than previously thought—some were carnivores and hunted small dinosaurs for dinner.
Scientists in China have uncovered the fossil remains of two mammals that lived around 130 million years ago. The finds will revolutionize current thinking about life during the Mesozoic era (24One incredibly well-preserved fossil—of an early mammal known as Repenomamus robustus—had the remains of a small dinosaur in its belly. It is the first evidence that mammals dined on dinosaurs.
The second fossil find, named Repenomamus giganticus, is 50 percent larger than R. robustus. Until now R. robustus was the largest known mammal of the Mesozoic era.
The discoveries, uncovered in the rich dinosaur fossil beds of China's Liaoning Province, provide the first hard evidence that Mesozoic mammals were more than the rat-size plant- and insect-eating creatures that they have long been portrayed to be. 8 million to 65 million years ago), a time when both dinosaurs and mammals arose.
For the Rest of this Story: http://tinyurl.com/4ru8w

Once againg National Geo to the rescue. I have had about all the politics and nuts for one week I can deal with. So its off to a better place that we call cyber space. Something a little more educational...........

Weapons

Beam weapons almost ready for battle
Directed energy could revolutionize warfare, expert says

By Leonard David
Senior space writer
Updated: 12:10 p.m. ET Jan. 11, 2006

LOS ALAMOS, N.M. - There is a new breed of weaponry fast approaching — and at the speed of light, no less. They are labeled "directed-energy weapons," and they may well signal a revolution in military hardware — perhaps more so than the atomic bomb.
Directed-energy weapons take the form of lasers, high-powered microwaves and particle beams. Their adoption for ground, air, sea, and space warfare depends not only on using the electromagnetic spectrum, but also upon favorable political and budgetary wavelengths too.
For the rest of this story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10805240/

Personally I think its about time the beetle brains in the beltway follow through on what Reagan wanted and finish developing the star wars programs. Instead they have put body aromor on our soldiers that will be more harm than help. That is the dumbest looking crap they want on the soldiers. If they can build a damn bridge in the middle of no where for a few people and multitude of animals to use. They can develope a lighter weight armor for the fighting men and women of this country.

giggles for anyone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know yours is a Red Neck Church if: Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." The choir is known as the "OK Chorale." In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as "Branding." There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church septic tank. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub. The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and are embroidered with his logo. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.


( If the Following were mine It would be whuppin time ;)

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now very alarmed. In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

Real Chiefs (USN & USCG)
REAL CHIEFS Think Ensigns should be seen and not heard, and never, ever, be allowed to read books on leadership.
REAL CHIEFS Don't have any civilian clothes.
REAL CHIEFS Have CPO Association Cards from their last 5 commands.
REAL CHIEFS Don't remember any time they weren't Chief's.
REAL CHIEFS Propose like this "There will be a wedding at 1000 hours on 29 October, be there in whites with your gear packed because you will be a prime participant."
REAL CHIEFS Favorite national holiday is CPO Initiation.
REAL CHIEFS Keeps four sets of dress khaki uniforms in the closet in hopes they will come back.
REAL CHIEFS Favorite food is shipboard SOS for breakfast.
REAL CHIEFS Don't know how to tell civilian time.
REAL CHIEFS Call each other "Chief."
REAL CHIEFS Greatest fear is signing for property book items.
REAL CHIEFS Dream in Navy Blue, White, Haze Gray and occasionally khaki.
REAL CHIEFS Have served on ships that are now war memorials or tourist attractions.
REAL CHIEFS Get tears in their eyes when the "Chief" dies in the movie "Operation Pacific." REAL CHIEFS Don't like Certified Navy Twill. "Wash Khaki" is the ONLY thing to make a uniform out of.
REAL CHIEFS Can find their way to the CPO Club blindfolded, on 15 different Navy Bases. REAL CHIEFS Have pictures of ships in their wallets.
REAL CHIEFS Don't own any pens that do not have "Property U.S. Govt" on them.
REAL CHIEFS Don't voluntarily get the mandatory flu shots.
REAL CHIEFS Don't order supplies, they swap for them.
REAL CHIEFS Favorite quote is from the movie Ben Hur, "We keep you alive to serve this ship." REAL CHIEFS Think excessive modesty is their only fault.
REAL CHIEFS Hate to write evaluations, except for their own.
REAL CHIEFS Turn in a 4 page brag sheet for their evaluation.
REAL CHIEFS Last ship was always better.
REAL CHIEFS Know that the black tar in their coffee cup makes the coffee taste better. REAL CHIEFS Idea of heaven-Three good PO1's and a Division Officer who does what he is told.
REAL CHIEFS Think John Wayne would have made a good Chief, if he had not gone soft and made Marine movies.
REAL CHIEFS Use the term "Good Training" to describe any unpleasant task...Scraping the sides of the ship is "Good Training." Having to sleep on your seabag in the parking lot because there was no room in the barracks is "Good Training."
Author unknown.
---------------
There once lived in an old Oak tree a family of three robins, a momma robin, a daddy robin, and a baby robin. One day towards the end of summer, the daddy robin suddenly ruffled his feathers, ducked his head under his tail feathers, and said "My instincts tell me it's time to fly south!" Well, at this the baby bird just looked at his father a bit puzzled. A moment later, the mamma bird ruffled her feathers, ducked her head under her tail feathers, and said "My instincts also tell me it's time to fly south!" This time the baby bird, just as puzzled as before, just shrugged and thought, Oh well, guess I'll give it a try. So the baby bird ruffled his feathers, ducked his head under his tail feathers, then looked up and said "Wow, my end stinks too, but I don't hear it talking to me!!!"

Adult Giggles

Adult Adult

Remeber 9-11-01

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What game is played by men with even shaped balls?
I'm not sure - but...
Golf is played by men with dimpled balls.
Hockey is played by men with small white balls.
Soccer is played my men with leather balls.
Tennis is played by men with furry balls.
In croquet, men hit their balls with a mallet.
In basketball, men dribble, and shoot their balls through a hoop (ouch)
In soccer, men can't use their hands to touch their balls.
Football is played with pointed balls.
Rugby players put their balls in a scrum.
Pool players are always putting their balls in pockets.
And bowlers drill 3 holes in THEIR balls!! (double ouch!)
So, what sport do you play?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:
"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"
"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"
Sniff sniff
"Ah perfume - you think of everything"
"This is great....." (long sigh)
Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PCisms (Politically Correct Terminology)
aesthetically challenged - ugly amphibian American - frog anal-cranially inverted - butthead aquatically challenged - drowning biologically challenged - dead blubber lovers - whaler bovine control officers - Dallas Cowboys Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged - white trash career challenging opportunity - layoffs career re-direction - layoffs certified astrological consultant - crackpot certified crystal therapist - crackpot certified past-life regression hypnotist - crackpot chemically challenged - drug addict chronologically gifted - old client of the correctional system - prisoner codependent - finger-pointer constructivist feminist psychotherapy - psychobabble creatively re-dyed - stained cutbacks - layoffs cyclically challenged - having PMS differently organized - messy differently-brained - stupid domestic engineer - housewife downsizing - layoffs economically disadvantaged - welfare bum economically marginalized - poor employment opportunity certificate - layoff notice employment opportunity correction - jobs phased out with layoffs employment opportunity warning - threat of layoffs energy-efficient - off environmentally correct human - dead equal opportunity employee - bisexual hooker erectionally challenged - impotent ethnically homogenous area - ghetto or barrio facially challenged - ugly factually unencumbered - ignorant fecally plenary - full of crap female gender biased - likes women who shave their legs financially inept - po' flight attendant - stewardess folically independent - bald follower of Jimmy Swaggert - lost genetically discriminating - racist geological correction - earthquake gerontologically advanced - old government employee - stupid grammatically challenged - one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spelling gravitationally challenged - fat horizontally challenged - thin horizontally gifted - fat human assets correction - layoffs human resources correction - layoffs in denial - unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened in recovery - drunk/junkie intellectually impaired - stupid law enforcement officer - policeman living impaired - dead maintenance hole - man-hole male gender biased - prefers men who shave their chests mechanically challenged - broken down automobile melanin-impoverished - white metabolically challenged - dead microslothically Challenged - Windows user monetarily challenged - poor morally (ethically) challenged - a crook morally handicapped - someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone most males - laid off motivationally dispossessed - lazy musically delayed - tone deaf nasally disadvantaged - really BIG nose nasally gifted - runny nose nasally gifted - large nose nitpicklike - humor challenged one who is PC - target practice ontologically challenged - fictional or mythological osmotically challenged - Thirsty other aged - too old/young (dual purpose) outdoor urban dwellers - homeless parking enforcement aduciator - meter maid people of height - too tall person of region - redneck person of substance - fat persons living with entropy - dead persons of large stature - NY Giants petroleum transfer technician - gas station attendent photonically non-receptive - blind racially challenged - butt-white American residentially flexible - homeless rhythmically challenged - white boy romantically challenged - not with somebody at the moment rustically inclined - redneck sanitation engineer - garbage man selectively perceptive - insane sex care provider - prostitute sexually focused chronologically gifted individual - dirty old man socially challenged - geek or nerd socially separated - convict spacially perplexed - drunk street activity index - crime rate structurally challenged - broken suffering from a sex addiction (female) - slut suffering from a sex addiction (male) - stud target equity group - vocal minority the absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of reality - white male uniquely coordinated - clumsy uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path - loser verbally challenged - mute, dumb vertically challenged - short youth group - gang
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume performs some excellent leaps but with out any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8 Russia 5.9 United States 5.5 Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping , but technically not so good as the Russian slightly mislanding a triple Salchow and losing the centre during a spin. But artistically a more satisfying performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8 Russia 5.5 United States 5.9 Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. Tries to get up staggers a few paces then slips again. Spends his entire 'routine' getting up then slipping over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tatty and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0 Russia 0.0 United States 0.0 Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippy out there"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the eve of the Gulf War 2, Angus Greenblatt came doon frae' the hills into Inverness to enlist in the Queen's Own Highlanders (Seaforths & Camerons). He presented himself before the Recruiting N.C.O., and according to orders, receited his credentials. The Warrant Officer nodded approvingly at his answers. Angus thought that he he was in for sure.
Suddenly, the Warrant Officer slammed Angus' file folder closed, and said: "Och lad, no go".
"wha'ts this, Sar't Major?" asked the perplexed Angus.
"We canne ha'e ye in the Yoonit," replied the Warrant.
"But why, Sarn't Major? " asked Angus. "Me family's lived in Scotland since the '45, and me faither sairved in North Africa in the Black Watch under Montgomery durrin Wairl Warr Twa. Why dinnae ye want me in the Yoounit?"
"Ye're circumcised, isnae that kerrect?" asked the Warrant.
"Aye", replied Angus. "And tha's an oondeniable fact."
"Och, lad, then that's the reason".
Angus drew himself up to his full height, looked the Warrant Officer in the eye, and said:
"Och. I can oonderstand that if a mannie wanted to join the Coldstream, or the Welsh or even the Scots Guards that he'd have to have the "proper family connections", but this is the fiurrst I eveer heard that ye had to be a complete prick to get into the Queen's Own Highlanders."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ministry
If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be wanted by...
the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,
the EPA for killing fig trees,
the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,
the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,
the NEA for teaching without a certificate,
OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,
the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,
the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life,
and by the ZONING DEPT for building mansions without a permit.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one..."This is for the shame", and then the second one..."This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one..."This is for the shame" and then the second one... "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "Ma'am, I was just wondering...what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got knotted together and he dragged me around the front yard for forty minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy shows up for work on Monday at noon. The boss says, "Where the Hell have you been?" The guy says, "I was at a Blonde wedding Friday night and I won second prize in the raffle." The boss says, "So?" The guy says, "So second prize was spending the weekend screwing the bride." The boss says, "What was first prize?" He says, "A canned ham."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Honest Abe", the used car dealer, was out to break all sales records with his "like new" models. He had assembled a group of co-eds from the local un iversity campus to blind date buyers of his auto inventory and had a large sign displayed in his window announcing "A Blonde Free With Each Car."
A delighted young stud plunked down his cash and, hot with anticipation, drove his new blonde blind date out into the country.
He parked, gave her a couple of preliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear.
She shook her head, smiled, and said, "Why honey, you got that when you bought this car."

Oh How I love National Geographic

I love National Geographic, always have since I was very young. It has some credibility. That no one else has. I love the thought of man being so minuscule that his arrogance is debunked on many occasions. It makes the left look stupic in all of their theories. The following is from the National Geographic. Some amazing articles. Nothing to do with politics. Sorry I am about politiced out for one week.


Forensic Expert Says Bigfoot Is Real
Stefan Lovgrenfor National Geographic News
October 23, 2003
It's been the subject of campfire stories for decades. A camera-elusive, grooming-challenged, bipedal ape-man that roams the mountain regions of North America. Some call it Sasquatch. Others know it as Bigfoot.
Thousands of people claim to have seen the hairy hominoid, but the evidence of its existence is fuzzy. There are few clear photographs of the oversized beast. No bones have ever been found. Countless pranksters have admitted to faking footprints.
Yet a small but vociferous number of scientists remain undeterred. Risking ridicule from other academics, they propose that there's enough forensic evidence to
For the Rest of this Story:
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/10/1023_031023_bigfoot.html



Rare African Predator Photographed for First Time
National Geographic News
June 20, 2002
Scientists in Tanzania have photographed a rare species of small African predator for the first time, confirming the survival of a creature previously known only from a single skin collected in 1932. The Lowe's servaline genet is a relative of the mongoose family, and is about three feet (one meter) long including the tail.


For the rest of this story go:
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2002/06/0620_020620_genet.html




Giant Asian Ape and Humans
Coexisted, Might Have Interacted
Ben Harderfor National Geographic News
December 8, 2005

Stalking through the forest, an early human hunter might have glimpsed an oversize ape through a thicket of bamboo.
We may never know the outcome of such a prehistoric encounter-or even if a meeting occurred. The mysterious ape, called Gigantopithecus blacki, has long since vanished from the Earth, and so has the early human species.
For the rest of this story:
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/12/1208_051208_giant_ape.html

Elusive Snow Leopard Seen in Rare Photos
Ben HarderNational Geographic News
June 14, 2002
Snow Leopard Photo Gallery:
Go >>
The snow leopard, which roams the craggy, snow-capped peaks of
the Himalayas, is so elusive that it verges on legendary.


Oldest Known Maya Mural, Tomb
Reveal Story of Ancient King
John Roachfor National Geographic News

December 13, 2005
View enlarged photo >>
Archaeologists today revealed the final section of the earliest known Maya mural ever found, saying that the find upends everything they thought they knew about the origins of Maya art, writing, and rule.
for the rest of this story
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/12/1213_051213_maya_mural.html

Order in the court

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune.
They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said,
"Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.Q:
And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

{R}ated grins

Adult

Remember 9/11/01

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.
The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?" "Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12"-14" behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.
She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 15 or so Signs You Picked the Wrong Moving Company...
~Insists that your panties would be much safer with him in the cab of the truck.
~ Great price? Check. Friendly? Check. Careful with the China? Check. Asked for your new address? Uh, oh.
~Most of your belongings arrive successfully in Los Angeles. Your collection of private home videos made with the wife shows up several weeks later -- on the internet.
~Mime Movers is a great concept, but those invisible boxes don't seem to work very well.
~The first load they took was your entertainment center, home computer, and jewelry. That was two weeks ago.
~While emove.com's stock might have doubled in value since it went public, mentioning a moving van causes some confusion.
~The phone number on their business card connects you to the Crime Stoppers hotline.
~They don't use peanuts to pack your fine crystal -- they use peanut butter.
~Nothing gets broken during the loading and unloading, but you see more crack than a DEA agent.
~They assure you that your stuff will get from NY to LA before you do -- assuming there's not much traffic in the Panama Canal.
~Upon arrival at your new home, you notice that the driver's new uniform looks an awful lot like your wife's old wedding dress.
~They offer a "Bordello rate" if you allow them to make use of your bed during transport.
~The "moving company" consists of your mother and a homemade raft.
~After you call Big Top Movers, a Volkswagen Beetle shows up and 13 clowns reeking of elephant dung climb out.
~When you ask them to be careful with your antique stools, they assure you that they work gently overnight.
~Insists that Swiss cheese, not Styrofoam, makes the best packing material, and proceeds to wrap china in individual slices.
~Before moving the furniture, they remove all the drawers -- *their* drawers.
~As advertised, Big 'Uns Movers showed up in thongs and had large breasts -- you just didn't expect 250-lb. men with Lynyrd Skynyrd tattoos on their asses.
~Their slogan: "100% satisfaction or your silverware back!"
~Attention to detail is a good thing, but the guys at Anal Retentive Moving Co. insist on un-packing, inspecting and then re-packing every box.
~They keep flicking ashes in Grandma's urn.
~The guys from One Glove Movers show up wearing surgical masks and proceed to carry each item in one gloved hand while they hold their crotches and moonwalk to the truck.
~The first question they ask: "Paper or plastic?"
~"Starving Students" were booked solid, and "Thirsty Fratboys" didn't seem like such a bad idea at the time. ~Bus Fare from Sing Sing Prison: $5.75 Used moving van: $500 Watching a dot.com millionaire smile as you to cart off all his valuables: priceless.
~Driver tells you, "She'll make point five past light speed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
~An hour after the truck pulls away, all your stuff is listed on eBay.
~You realize they've been a little too thorough when your nightstand is listed on the inventory as "porno stand."
~Reassembling your king-sized bed resulted in lopsided twin beds and a chin-up bar.
~The box marked "TV" is barking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The college professor was trying to demonstrate a project on his computer to four coeds helping him edit a newsletter. He was having problems with the computer, so the ladies went over to the lounge until he could get the program pulled up. The Dean was a little shocked when he walked in the door and heard one of the coeds shouting down the hallway, "Hurry up and get in here, girls, the old professor finally got it up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hate sex in movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled the mood.

I know I'll never understand women. I'll never understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto her upper thigh, and crotch area, rip the hair out by the root, and still be scared shitless of a spider.
Why did the blonde cross the road? Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?


Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

When they say "instant credit," don't they actually mean "instant debt"?

Comic relief is when you add a touch of humor to an otherwise serious situation. It's like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway
across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I
put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and lets get the hell out of here!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Drink Choices - Men
IF MEN DRINK - As always, very simple and clear cut.
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor/student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness : The man is really horny and will get laid one way or another.
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him class and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay (Blatantly!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teenage girl walked into a bank with several glass jars filled with quarters. After running them through the automated counting machine, the teller announced,
"That came out to $793.75. Tell me, young lady, how long have you been hoarding all those quarters?"
"All year," replied the girl, "but my sister whored half of them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Note
Ole' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near
Death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor Stood next to the bed, Ole' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he Motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed Him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ole' Fred used his last bit of energy To scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look
At the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was
Wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ole' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ole' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked At it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for Us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Giggles and a Grin or Two

Clean

Remember 9/11/01
*********************************************
Snow. Many have not seen the stuff except on TV and know nothing of the terminology so here it is .
Snow: White Fluffy crystals of water and toxic matter.
Snow Man: Made from snow, assembly required.
Snow Plow: Machine that fills our driveways with snow.
Snow Plow Driver: Machine Operator capable of depositing three blocks worth of snow in our driveway. Related to Satan.
Snow Blower. Personal snow removal device used to deposit snow from our driveway in neighbor's driveways.
Snow Showers.: Light snowfall
Scattered Snow Showers: Falls on your yard but not the neighbors.
Snow Flurries: Snow propelled by wind like in the movies.
Blizzard : Lots of snow real fast for days . Will fill a 16 oz. cup in seconds add sugar and M&Ms and save 2.49 at McDonalds.
Hypothermia : Lowering of the body's core temperature to the point where you start writing jokelists 12 months of the year. May lead to death if you aren't thawed out occasionally.
Ice and snow melter: Used to melt snow from sidewalks so that studs are ripped from neighborhood kid's snowmobile tracks when they drive by your house at 60 mph at midnight.
Snow Angel Imprint made when you fall on your back in fresh snow and thrash around.
We have it on good authority that this will be a mini Ice Age and soon you will be able to ice skate all over the swamps of the South and Hockey will become the sport of choice.
So take a break, make a snow man, have a snowball fight, make a snow angel and read the chips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WELCOME TO MINNESOTA, Y'ALL
This is for the hundreds of Atlanta, Georgia, mechanics and others who will move to the Twin Cities as NWA closes its maintenance base there:
This is your lucky day! First, the West Nile fever season here is really, really short. Ditto, malaria and any other dread disease carried by mosquitoes.
The bad news is that you'll have to grow accustomed to hash brown potatoes. Grits end at Chillicothe, Missouri. You no longer have to say, "y'all," the most worthless expression in the English language. When you call your dog, for instance, just say, "come." You don't have to say 'y'all come."
As mechanics, you'll have a field day taking care of your car from now until spring (late spring, that is, for early spring is not spring) it is really late winter. Remember that old Minnesota weather adage, "April showers bring May flowers."
Sell your car. A Georgia car will not survive here. Your car will freeze to death before Halloween. Buy a used car. If you buy a new car it will look like a used car before they can dig it out of the display lot at the car dealership.
At first, you may think snow is pretty. Snow is not pretty! By December you will feel as if you are living in a black-and-white movie. And there is a lot of snow! Deep snow! Deep snow that doesn't go away. The reason Northwest Airlines paints its tails red is so they can find the damned things.
You will find new loves here. One of them will be underwear that goes all the way down to your ankles. Any underwear above the ankle is considered lingerie.
A few things you may not know: Beer freezes. A constipated dog is a good dog. Ice fishing is a form of mental illness. Sunrise and sunset are roughly an hour apart. Jumper cables make an excellent wedding gift. You will look forward to slush. Kleenex is covered by your medical insurance.
You must also be aware that contrary to southern cuisine, there is no Minnesota cuisine. If it's dead, eat it.
When you pack to come to Minnesota, you need only to bring one short sleeved shirt (and that's only in case you want to fly back home for vacation). Short sleeved shirts are handed down here from generation. The short sleeved shirt season here begins July 26 and is pretty much wrapped up by 3:30 on 28th.
You will have to change your allegiances to professional sports teams. Doing the tomahawk chop simply will not play here. People will think you're merely scraping your windshield.
We play a game here called hockey as well. Hockey coaches will kidnap your children before they even start school, so beware. They'll return them in April. As for baseball we never know if we have a team or not.
Moving on to religion. There are but two faiths here (pro-stadium and anti-stadium). An agnostic is a person who doesn't care whether we have a new stadium or not. We have an excellent college system. Unfortunately, it's in Wisconsin, Iowa or the Dakotas.
Canadian honkers aren't something you see at a Winnipeg strip joint. They're geese.
By law, every vehicle in Minnesota must have a hitch ball. Even hearses. You cannot smoke anywhere in Minnesota. Unless its dope, of course.
Minnesotans may laugh at you for your backward politics in Georgia. You can stop that with two words: Pro wrestler.
Judy Garland was born in Minnesota and it took her 16 years, due to construction detours, before she got to the Yellow Brick Road.
Minnesota has more than 10,000 lakes, hundreds of thousands of miles of rivers and streams, millions of acres of forest, and one Krispy Kreme. Guess where everybody wants to go?
And do not call the homicide division to a beer joint because of what you see behind the bar. That's merely ajar of pickled pig's feet. (See Cuisine comments above.)
Welcome to Minnesota!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Television shows that may be appearing soon as a result of the electronic and computer age. _______________ <> _______________
- Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever connect at 56k.
- Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
- Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's sagging stock price.
- Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online. Book em Dono!
-T.J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
- The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
-The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.
-Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell?
-The Incredible Bulk: The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.
-Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files. no small feat while wearing a halter top, and high-heeled boots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock", over and over.
After about three hours, one of the pilots cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him.
An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do.
The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick.. Tick..."
The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart, Yankee Boy ! But I'm telling you that vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg.
It was undoubtedly the rooster.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from Erma Bombeck
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it. Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...... I want to be a bear!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses." The secret service agent whispered back, "Why don't you answer the President?"

Moses replied: " The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
On a weekend in Dec.. one of the biggest motorcycle gatherings of the year in our area, the annuaI "Gifts For Tots" was assembling on vacant parking lots nearby.
I had volunteered to help out a friend, the owner of a small neighborhood pub, who was called out of town on a family emergency, by tending bar.
Most of the "locals", regular customers, at the bar were engaged in a lively discussion over a local property tax increase, when the pub was invaded by the overwhelming roar from the engines of motorcycles pulling up outside.
All of our patrons' eyes swung toward the door and all conversation had turned into uneasy, nervous whispering. -
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and biggest one asked me gruffly, "Where's the phone ?" -
I asked him if it was a local call, and when he said "Yeah", gave him the house phone from behind the bar.
The uneasy silence in the room let everyone overhear what the biker said into the receiver.
Then the tension in the atmosphere changed, as if the sun had suddenly appeared on a grey, rainy day, when he said,
-"Hi, Mom. I just wanted to let you know I may be home a little late tonight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These inventions were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the "Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement".
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as 'girlie men.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, Seabees, Marines, athletes and generally
anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with their production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond to the above before simply giggling and forwarding it. A Conservative will be so convinced of the accuracy and absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in the Appalachian Mountains, a young man named Hill left home to become a spy. He spent years in training, learning languages and memorizing codes. Finally, he was given a new identity and sent to an unnamed foreign country. He lived there for many years and became quite prominent in the government. Periodically he was called on to provide some information, but he was always careful not to endanger his cover. At last he was called home. He retired to the mountains and is now publishing his memoirs, "Making a Mole out of a Mountain Hill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vehicle, and its condition, affects dating A survey of 400 U.S. singles found 89 percent of males and
95 percent of females said they were somewhat likely to notice their date's car. Ford Fusion "Life in Drive" dating survey revealed that it's not just a car, but the state of the car that can make an impression on a date. Fifty-eight percent said the condition of their date's vehicle would at least somewhat impact their attraction to the person. Females felt more strongly about their date's car condition than males with 69 percent saying it would at least somewhat effect their attraction to their date compared to 47 percent of males. "If your car is dirty outside and cluttered with wrappers and junk inside, that delivers a personality message to your date that could very well impact the evening and your future prospects," said Sherrie Schneider, co-author of the book on dating "The Rules." "Your car offers a very visual view of the person you are dating before a single word is ever spoken."
(Has it come to this ? Pre-judge a person by their CAR ?? )