A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.
The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.
"What can I help you with?" he asked.
She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?" "Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."
"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"
The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."
"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12"-14" behind the head of the penis?"
He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.
"These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
The Top 15 or so Signs You Picked the Wrong Moving Company...
~Insists that your panties would be much safer with him in the cab of the truck.
~ Great price? Check. Friendly? Check. Careful with the China? Check. Asked for your new address? Uh, oh.
~Most of your belongings arrive successfully in Los Angeles. Your collection of private home videos made with the wife shows up several weeks later -- on the internet.
~Mime Movers is a great concept, but those invisible boxes don't seem to work very well.
~The first load they took was your entertainment center, home computer, and jewelry. That was two weeks ago.
~While emove.com's stock might have doubled in value since it went public, mentioning a moving van causes some confusion.
~The phone number on their business card connects you to the Crime Stoppers hotline.
~They don't use peanuts to pack your fine crystal -- they use peanut butter.
~Nothing gets broken during the loading and unloading, but you see more crack than a DEA agent.
~They assure you that your stuff will get from NY to LA before you do -- assuming there's not much traffic in the Panama Canal.
~Upon arrival at your new home, you notice that the driver's new uniform looks an awful lot like your wife's old wedding dress.
~They offer a "Bordello rate" if you allow them to make use of your bed during transport.
~The "moving company" consists of your mother and a homemade raft.
~After you call Big Top Movers, a Volkswagen Beetle shows up and 13 clowns reeking of elephant dung climb out.
~When you ask them to be careful with your antique stools, they assure you that they work gently overnight.
~Insists that Swiss cheese, not Styrofoam, makes the best packing material, and proceeds to wrap china in individual slices.
~Before moving the furniture, they remove all the drawers -- *their* drawers.
~As advertised, Big 'Uns Movers showed up in thongs and had large breasts -- you just didn't expect 250-lb. men with Lynyrd Skynyrd tattoos on their asses.
~Their slogan: "100% satisfaction or your silverware back!"
~Attention to detail is a good thing, but the guys at Anal Retentive Moving Co. insist on un-packing, inspecting and then re-packing every box.
~They keep flicking ashes in Grandma's urn.
~The guys from One Glove Movers show up wearing surgical masks and proceed to carry each item in one gloved hand while they hold their crotches and moonwalk to the truck.
~The first question they ask: "Paper or plastic?"
~"Starving Students" were booked solid, and "Thirsty Fratboys" didn't seem like such a bad idea at the time. ~Bus Fare from Sing Sing Prison: $5.75 Used moving van: $500 Watching a dot.com millionaire smile as you to cart off all his valuables: priceless.
~Driver tells you, "She'll make point five past light speed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
~An hour after the truck pulls away, all your stuff is listed on eBay.
~You realize they've been a little too thorough when your nightstand is listed on the inventory as "porno stand."
~Reassembling your king-sized bed resulted in lopsided twin beds and a chin-up bar.
~The box marked "TV" is barking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The college professor was trying to demonstrate a project on his computer to four coeds helping him edit a newsletter. He was having problems with the computer, so the ladies went over to the lounge until he could get the program pulled up. The Dean was a little shocked when he walked in the door and heard one of the coeds shouting down the hallway, "Hurry up and get in here, girls, the old professor finally got it up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I hate sex in movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled the mood.I know I'll never understand women. I'll never understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto her upper thigh, and crotch area, rip the hair out by the root, and still be scared shitless of a spider.
Why did the blonde cross the road? Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? A: So they can see their Air Force.
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!When they say "instant credit," don't they actually mean "instant debt"?Comic relief is when you add a touch of humor to an otherwise serious situation. It's like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway
across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I
put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and lets get the hell out of here!"*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Drink Choices - Men
IF MEN DRINK - As always, very simple and clear cut.
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor/student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness : The man is really horny and will get laid one way or another.
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him class and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay (Blatantly!)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teenage girl walked into a bank with several glass jars filled with quarters. After running them through the automated counting machine, the teller announced,
"That came out to $793.75. Tell me, young lady, how long have you been hoarding all those quarters?"
"All year," replied the girl, "but my sister whored half of them."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near
Death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor Stood next to the bed, Ole' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he Motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed Him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ole' Fred used his last bit of energy To scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look
At the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was
Wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ole' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ole' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked At it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for Us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"