A Wee Roundup of Odds and Ends

A misc. Link or two
http://www.mikesoldies.com/doowopcentral1.htm
A Military link
http://www.seamlesstransition.va.gov/


Germany's gay zoo penguins
still fending off female advances

BERLIN (AFP) - Six gay penguins at a German zoo are still refusing to mate with females of the species flown in from Sweden in 2005, the zoo said. The problem was that the female Humboldt penguins have proven too shy in their advances, the director of the zoo in the northern port city of Bremerhaven said.
"The Swedes will not make the first move," Heike Kueck said.

http://tinyurl.com/97uxp

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Stone Age tribe kills fishermen

By Peter Foster in New Delhi

February 9, 2006

ONE of the world's last Stone Age tribes has murdered two fishermen whose boat drifted on to a desert island in the Indian Ocean.
The Sentinelese, thought to number between 50 and 200, have rebuffed all contact with the modern world, firing a shower of arrows at anyone who comes within range.
They are believed to be the last pre-Neolithic tribe in the world to remain isolated and appear to have survived the 2004 Asian tsunami.http://tinyurl.com/bp8ah

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The below snip is interesting. However it is the only article I have found on this thus far. It has been on a blog I forgot where. Now if its true it is disconcerting to say the least.

Customs `camps' cause for concern
By Tom Hennessy, Columnist

Maybe a lifetime in the news business makes one paranoid. Or maybe it was just a matter of timing.
The story showed up in Tuesday's Press-Telegram, as I was reading "Night," Elie Wiesel's horrifying autobiography of a teenager in Buchenwald and Auschwitz.
Appearing on page A5, the story said the federal government had awarded a $385 million contract for the construction of "temporary detention facilities." These would be used, the story said, in the event of an "immigration emergency."http://tinyurl.com/7o5d6

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Legendary Bulgarian prophetess Vanga

predicted most horrible catastrophes

Her most shocking prediction was made in 1980. The blind old woman said: “At the turn of the century, in August of 1999 or 2000, Kursk will be covered with water, and the whole world will be weeping over it.” The prediction did not make any sense back then. Twenty years on, it made a horrifying sense. A Russian nuclear submarine perished in an accident in August of 2000. The sub was named after the city of Kursk , which by no means could have been covered with water.
Does the gift of foreseeing .....http://tinyurl.com/cy4xm

True and A LIttle Strange.

Check out these painted rooms. Talk about Talent.
http://www.2loop.com/3drooms.html

ON THE INTERNET, NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE A DOG: "Sassy Sarah" was very active on an online sports forum, accessing the site 19,200 times and posting 6,622 messages over about 10 weeks. Then City of Toledo, Ohio, officials traced the activity to Scott Leo, a city intern, who made the postings while at work. "The Internet is full of people who make false claims," Leo said, defending his alter ego. "I wasn't going to say who I really was." Leo, who insisted he made all of his postings during breaks or his 30-minute lunch period, resigned. His supervisor said she was satisfied with Leo's performance, and noted he got his work done. (Toledo Blade) ...You have to wonder just how much work they gave him, then.
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DUMMY SMURF: A motel clerk in Anchorage, Alaska, reported that a man tried to rob him. He locked himself in the office and the man got away with no money. His disguise: the blonde man was wearing a puffy red coat, and had his face painted blue like a "Smurf", police said. An officer said he had dealt with Daniel Peter Clark, 19, a blonde man in a puffy red coat, at a different motel the previous day, so he went to see if he was still there. "In runs Mr. Clark, still wearing his blue face," a police spokesman said. "It was a clue." Clark was arrested. "Sometimes that's what it takes, putting two and two together." (AP) ...It's a nice switch from the usual, when they make a suspect talk until he's blue in the face.
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CAMPY CAMPAIGN: Coleen Rowley, running for Congress from Minnesota, has apologized to her opponent, incumbent U.S. Rep. John Kline, for a photo of Kline on her web site. The photo used Kline's face pasted over a publicity shot of Nazi prison camp commandant Col. Wilhelm Klink from the 1960s TV show, "Hogan's Heroes". Rowley's campaign manager blamed the deed on "a volunteer Web site person who didn't understand the implications of using the Colonel Klink image." (St. Paul Pioneer Press) ...So can we assume he's been "Disssssmissssed!"?
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LEARNING EXPERIENCE: University of Prince Edward Island (Canada) Prof. David Weale was "dismayed" that the last class he was to ever teach before he retired after 30 years had 95 students, so he announced a "January clearance," school administrators say. Weale said he'd give credit to anyone who dropped the class, and even award them a B-minus grade, in return for making the class more "enriching" for those who remained. About 20 students took him up on the deal. When administrators caught wind of the offer, they said the "Weale Deal" was off, the professor was suspended, and anyone who wanted credit had better come to class. "They just want to send out this message about how strict they are about standards," Weale complained, "when, goddammit, I was the one who was fighting in that class for standards." Weale complained about "our so-called merit-based society," adding "It's not a good thing to think that you have to earn everything." The class? History of Christianity. (Toronto Globe and Mail) ..."If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain." --James 1:26

Update and assorted stuff.

First I want to update my post confused on cyber space. Mr. hayduke that has been errrr for a lack of a better way of stating it bugging Suzie of Assorted Babble. Well last night I read and linked to his post in my post. This morning I was surprised that Mrs. Hayduke states enough! He is to leave Miss Suzie alone. I hope this sticks and he does in fact leave Suzie alone. Its so tiring to be bothered with unwanted attention.
I often read a post and opt not to be my sweet overbearing smartass self. This is my choice not to bother the person posting. It is their thoughts and their site.
Me commenting on some one else's ideas with my dry sense of humor would probably hurt someones feelings.
Watching some of these bloggers clip paste and harange others Is really very Childish. Not to be confused with Child like.
If you wish to debate then simply ask them to do just that. Many bloggers have learned the hard way it is not open debate that others want. It is a power trip. All of this being said. I have a couple of links that I have not really explored however they appear interesting.
****Drum Roll Please****
http://www.nostalgiacentral.com/ Nostalgia.

http://www.legends.dm.net/ Legends. Uhhh Pat this looked like something you would enjoy

Now for a few jokes.

Here's one of my favorite anecdotes from my teaching career that I like to share with others. It's a true story.
One day while we were studying the solar system in my fifth-grade class one of the students posed an intriguing question about comets. Because I like to show the class that learning is a fun, lifelong process, I told the young gal, "That's an excellent question. I don't know the answer. I wonder where we could find out." Her response was sincere disbelief. "You don't know? I thought teachers were supposed to know *everything*!" A slow grin crept over my face as I prepared to give my "learning is a life-long process" speech. But before I could get a word out a student from across the room blurted out, "Yeah, but he's only a fifth-grade teacher."
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A friend of mine who is a recreational pilot passed me this clipping from, I believe a flying magazine. I do not know which one. They however claim that they got it from a British Airways Flight Operations Department notice. "There appears to be some confusion over the new pilot role titles. This notice will hopefully clear up any misunderstandings. The titles P1, P2 and Co-Pilot will now cease to have any meaning, within the BA operations manuals. They are to be replaced by Handling Pilot, Non-handling Pilot, Handling Landing Pilot, Non-Handling Landing Pilot, Handling Non-Landing Pilot, and Non Handling Non-Landing Pilot. The Landing Pilot, is initially the Handling Pilot and will handle the take-off and landing except in role reversal when he is the Non-Handling Pilot for taxi Until the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, hands the Handling to the Landing Pilot at eighty knots. The Non-Landing (Non-Handling, since the Landing Pilot is Handling) Pilot reads the checklist to the Handling Pilot until after the Before Descent Checklist completion, when the Handling Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Non-Landing Pilot who then becomes the Handling Non-Landing Pilot. The Landing Pilot is the Non-Handling Pilot until the "decision altitude" call, when the Handling Non-Landing Pilot hands the handling to the Non-Handling Landing Pilot, unless the latter calls "go-around", in which case the Handling Non-Landing Pilot, continues Handling and the Non-Handling Landing Pilot continues non-handling until the next call of "land" or "go-around", as appropriate. In view of the recent confusion over these rules, it was deemed necessary to restate them clearly."
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Student Evaluations -- Accounting Clas
s A professor at the Harvard Law School reads the following evaluation of his accounting course at the beginning of the first lecture each year:
Q. Rate the instructor overall:
A. You either like accounting, or you don't.
Q. Rate the reading material:
A. You either like accounting, or you don't.
Q. Rate the assignments:
A. You either like accounting, or you don't.
Q. Rate the course overall:
A. You either like accounting, or you don't. I don't.
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A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, that he can not be served additional liquor at this bar, and asks if he can call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely--but more firmly--refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
Lisa and Brad got married. Lisa decided to be a nice little wife and made and packed Brad's lunch for him to take to work. The first day Brad opened his lunch box and found one tiny little sandwich. Not really more than a mouthful, sad to say, and he was hungry the rest of the day. That evening when he got home, he told Lisa that it hadn't been enough. Next day, Brad opened his lunch box to find *two* sandwiches, but STILL they were tiny things and he heard his stomach growling for the rest of the afternoon. Once again, that evening he asked Lisa to please put more in. Brad found *three* sandwiches the following day, but he's a hungry boy and once again was not satisfied. Another talk with our Lisa was needed. This time, though, she got annoyed about it. She'd been trying very hard to please Brad and he just wasn't being very appreciative of her efforts. So she took a whole loaf of bread, sliced it in half, and make a great big sandwich out of it. When Brad opened his lunch box the next day, he rolled his eyes and sighed, "Oh no. Back to one sandwich!"

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SMILES FROM THE BIBLE
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groannn...)
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A small town had four churches Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholic and Baptist. All four had a serious problem with squirrels in the church. Each church in its own fashion had a meeting to deal with the problem. The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them. The Methodists decided they should deal with the squirrels lovingly in the style of Charles Wesley. They humanely trapped them and re- leased them in a park at the edge of town. Within 3 days, they were all back in the church. The Catholics also humanely trapped them and attempted to teach them the "rhythm" method which of course did not work. The Baptists had the best solution. They voted the squirrels in as members. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

How To Annoy People In An Elevator (G)ated

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Act like a dog, growl at people.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look
upwards and whisper "I think they want in..."
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
Ask everyone what they made for their side dish.
Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over.
Ask, "did you hear that cable snapping sound?"
Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Blow spit balls at the ceiling.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
Blow your nose on your sleeve.
Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.
Bring a chair along.
Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong).
Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
Call out, "Group hug!" and enforce it.
Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
Clutch your stomach and gasp.
Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
Collect an elevator tax.
Count down from 100,000 out loud.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball!
Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That’s mine!" Eat jello through a straw.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.
Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you.
Have a picnic in the elevator.
Have a seizure.
Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors
close and say, "Hi John, how’s your day been?"
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Hug yourself.
Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.
Hum the theme to Jeopardy
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
If anyone brushes against you, whisper to them "was it good for you too?"
Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.
Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.
Lean against the button panel.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Make farm noises.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Make sure the emergency phone is working.
Meow occasionally.
Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents.
Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board. Offer hitman services.
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Open a lemonade stand.
Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.
Pick your nose.
Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.
Play dead.
Play patty--cake with the door.
Play the harmonica.
Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident.
Pray to Budda.
Preach about the end of the world.
Pretend to be dead and lie on the elevator floor.
Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Read a book upside down.
Recite poetry in monotone.
Request for people to watch you Riverdance.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, "I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in."
Scratch yourself.
Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Shadow box.
Shave.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Sing: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerve's, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, i know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and it goes like this!" to the tune of "camp town lady".....pause.....repeat....continually.
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You’re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce "I’ve got new socks on!"
Start a sing-along.
Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Tap dance.
Tell everyone about the hidden rooftop penthouse belonging to the mob.
Tell everyone about your love life.
Tell people you can see their aura.
Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.
Throw a party in the vator!
Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.
Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat.
Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Wear a basketball jersey. Show everyone your armpit. Works best if you get a good workout and don't use deodorant.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Wear a Santa suit...in June.
Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.
Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers
When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out!
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, "It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again."
When the doors close pretend you arm got caught in it.
When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
When the elevator reaches another passenger’s floor, scream and collapse in front of the door.
When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
Whistle the first seven notes of "It’s a Small World" incessantly.

Again with the (R)ated

Q What do you call a sheep that does housework?
A. A threat to women everywhere.
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Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub. "Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!" "Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer 15 year."
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
When my husband was between jobs, I helped him use an on-line job site. As I filled in the blanks for his education, experience, etc., I decided to make him smile. Under "Experience," I typed in "Lovemaking expert, 20 years' experience." After he saw it, I deleted it and completed the resume'. Once it was done, I e-mailed it to about 40 companies. A week later, when he hadn't received any calls, we became concerned. We pulled up his application, and sure enough, his "lovemaking experience" was still listed! Even more amazing, a week later he scored an interview.
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A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrassed while performing a female pelvic exam. He had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled "just what is so funny madam?" She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was..... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!"
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife. The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. "What are you pulling me over for?" queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a 'Road Hazard', for other drivers!" "What hazard?" Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." "Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance, please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir". ... "Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! "Sir, I was referring to the dog!" "Oh... Her name is Maisy." "What do you want her name for, officer?" "Well Sir, after I write your ticket for 'Endangering Vehicular Traffic', and I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~

(R)ated giggles

Rants over for now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got an erection I couldn't bend it even using both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand" "So", says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well, "says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
**************
A dentist couldn't get erection on wedding night so he used his finger.Wife, "What's this?""Nothing honey, just a temporary filling."
**************
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
**************
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
********************
A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.
Side Effects Of The New Orgasm Implant:
1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out atRadio Shack.
2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of coverstory headlines.
3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains.
4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, andshe's out the door.
5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.
6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard ofyour SUV.
7. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumb ache."
8. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.
9. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'msorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."
10. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urgeto shout your surgeon's name.
11. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD!YESSSSSS!!!!
12. In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular RadioShack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."
13. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner...
errr, never mind...
****************
Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Mary Elizabeth turns and says, "Mine does..."
****************
Rosey had invited her younger sister, Nina, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nina out for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nina went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nina protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."
****************
Bob returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed. "All right," Bob demanded, "I'll kill you unless you tell me where the cigar came from!" A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana."
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~

Confused in Cyber Space

I am watching the unfolding of a sad drama. I am watching a man. At least I believe him to be a man stalk a couple of sweet women. I realize that many folks seem to think its ok to follow or others. However since so many do not understand the English language I will try to enlighten them.
stalk 2 (stôk) http://www.thefreedictionary.com/stalk
v. stalked, stalk·ing, stalks
v.intr.
1. To walk with a stiff, haughty, or angry gait: stalked off in a huff.
2. To move threateningly or menacingly.
3. To track prey or quarry.
v.tr.
1. To pursue by tracking stealthily.
2. To follow or observe (a person) persistently, especially out of obsession or derangement.
3. To go through (an area) in pursuit of prey or quarry.
Stalking is the equivelant of unwanted attention. This attention of the first part causes the party of the second part to be uncomfortable. There for causing undue stress or duress.This is not what I would consider nice or even leagal. I would suggest for people that don't understand what I am talking about email me and ask, or look in a dictionary. Black's law dictionary is a good source.
du·ress (d-rs, dy-)
n.
1. Constraint by threat; coercion: confessed under duress.
2. Law
a. Coercion illegally applied.
b. Forcible confinement.

As if anyone in todays world needs to be told that they are stalking. I have met mentally ill folks that were off their meds they did indeed have an excuse for their behavior at the time. What I don't comprehend is people that are asked repeatedly to leave someone alone and they do not just go away. There are millions of blogs in the blog-o-sphere. What is the importance of one blog/blogger?
In this nation until the far left get their way we have free speech. Be that speech to the world or anyone listenting.
However what most people ignore is the other side. The side that says yes you have free speech, I have the right to walk away ask nicely that you hush. Oor just do like me and tell the person that I am exercising my free speech at this time and you can shut the fuck up. There are more sides of free speech. Validate your opinion with facts and I will listen. Do not repeat someone's opinion. An editorial is an opinion. Repeating someone elses' speech is not a qualifier for a debate.
I love a debate. I do not like hearing talking points from anyone. Name calling is not necessary to validate a point. I will not call you unAmerican if you were born in the U.S. or became a citizen through leagal channels. I will state you are unAmerican if you are spouting talking points that have come from the communist manafesto. If you spout socialism, I will call you unAmerican.
That is my right. That is the right of any citizen of this nation.
The biggest problem with most women bloggers they ignore jackasses and assume that will get the point accross. They don't understand even a brick in the head don't slow down someone that thick. What they don't understand that the stalker is empowered by this. He has no clue that she is ignoring him. If she says something he takes this as an invitation to bother her. Or he is sadistic and just gets his rocks off that way.
This is the part I really don't comprehend. How the hell can you get a jolly in cyberspace? I mean comm'on really? How strange is this? Geez I bet even Freud would be puzzled.
There is the other part that I am confused about that is bugging the crap out of someone then when they answer deleting them. Debate or moronic behavior?

Assorted Babble Vs. http://www.hayduke.blogspot.com is an example of this Pick on the woman. Get her angry then play the innocent. Delete anyone that disagrees with you. I ask again what kind of sh** is that?

On Open Rant

To Whom It May Concern,

I was just reading Suzie's Blog, I have also seen on Rebecca’s blog and many others people's blogs the love harassing women. Well I have an opinion about this. Other than disabled bloggers and women, generally I do not see harassment on the "macho" bloggers blogs. It is not on the mundane blogs about cars, animals or everyday life. Therefore, its lets pick on the cripple or the woman. How big and bad you are? I find this very funny. In the real world not the blog-o-sphere you would never be caught kicking the cripple or harassing the woman. What a two faced dirt ball you are?.
God forbid that a black person with a blog would receives harassment. First, generally black folks are ranting about crap that is not true or skewed.Ha that is just more babble about entitlement crap. (which none of us owe to anyone.) Maybe a long dead ancestors but not four or five generations down the line.
You want your fare share move back to Africa and claim you fair share. Or, die trying. Here join the rest of us and work your ass off for the American Dream.

Now tell me just what Mrs. King did to further the cause of black women? Sharpton, Jackson and Carter did not know this woman and made shit up about her, disrespected her and bashed Bush. By most accounts Mrs. King was a kind gracious woman that loved her family. I believe she deserved better than a pep rally led by a racist black man and the dough boy from a plantation. Her life was not celebrated the day of her funeral. She was snubbed again to bash the president. How stupid is that?

Am I insulting Blacks. Nope I am not, half my family is black. We are a rainbow family. There will always be poor amoung us. Not because the system failed them. Hell you want everyone to be even? Then stop forien aid and give the money to everyone evenly here. Yep every adult in this nations recieves several million bucks a year. To spend anyway they want. The down side is no one would work and nothing would be bought because there would be no one to make it or sell it.

There are many red peoples that are still being harassed and jailed cuz they are red and perceived as a threat to the government. READ the Facts on Wounded Knee in the 70's. Of course there is the myth that the tribes all share the gambling money. yea right. The tribes are building better health care facilities, housing and putting members to work.

Okay I still say it this is blog baiting. Cowards do not have the balls to actually voice an opinion. They voice Talking Points. That’s okay that tells the rest of us they have no mind/thoughts of their own. This is a good thing. The reason you ask, it is a good thing? Well it is a good thing because talking points are limited and we do not have to wear our selves out worrying over it. There fore the rest of us that are free thinkers can get on with the more important things. (Kinda of like spotting the freak in the crowd because of the tatoos and piercings. You just know they advertise they are freaks you don't have to take the time to know them) Yep have one of those in my family too. Have a transie and a lesbian. Told you we were rainbows.
As I see it, the bloggers that, are attacked generally are gracious and allow comments of disagreement. They accept personal attacks and go on. This seems to be, perceived as weakness. However, it is a misconception. It is not weakness. It is a basic belief in free speech. These,nice gentle people are attacked for their opinions. It is their opinion and they are entitled to it.Just like the extreme left is entitled to an opinion(whatever that maybe). As we are in the middle. I fail to see what kind of jolly one gets out of bashing the right through the blog-O-Sphere.Thats not strength, thats like the school yard bully. Pushing around the weaker or little kids. Until the underdog has enough and fights back. Best fights I have ever seen (yea and you did too,watch fights in school) were the bullies getting a can of whup ass opened on them. They always cried until they were out of sight.
As a person in the middle of the road. I have many ideas that I can share or not. However, it is my choice to voice my opinion on my blog. It is my blog and I am not gracious. I am mean and nasty when it is necessary.
Instead of asking someone not to come back I will tell you just what I think of your mindless dripping.(I am positive your gray matter is leaking from your ears.)You are more than welcome to leave you comments on my site. Go for it.
I think it is the result of under-education. I do not care if you have a doctorate if you do not take time to look at all sides of an issue, then someone wasted money on your education.
You are a lazy person jumping on an inane bandwagon. You call names and attack character of people you do not know. You rant about stupid things that with in hours are usually disproved.
Do you know just how stupid that appears?
Example of a stupid quid pro quo.
Vast right wing conspiracy. Mrs. Clinton wanted to play watch the hand and lo and behold she accomplished this with her words.
Gee was not that easy?
So Bill uses this to say he did not have sex. Well sex or no sex it was a relationship.(Which he lied about). One of the parties believed it to be sex. Oops, I lied and again the left followed/forgave this. Only an example.
As I see it just because a person is not spouting your talking points does not invite name calling or being mean. It means that they are listening studying and finding the truth. Just what is wrong with that? How is that something to ridicule?
Funny how you don’t attack someone like me. I post a few jokes and rants. No one seems to want to hop on my ass about my thoughts.
This leads me to believe that there are a couple of possibilities.
1) Jokes defuse your ire.
2) You only attack the ones you perceive as helpless, or weak.
So once again I encourage you to kick the cripple or bash the woman. So that the rest of us know just who you are and what you are about. I prefer to know you are mean AND lazy.

Sincerely
Patty AKA Redneck Granny

Chuckles and Whatnot

*****High Lighted*****
http://badhairblog.blogspot.com/



~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her cherry?
She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
If you throw a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3 days.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."

Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse?
She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.

What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid sat in the first row was a teachers pet. He stood and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can." The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can." The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can....and I think can!"
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
Signs of Spring in New York City:
1-Crack dens take down storm windows.
2-Lovely pastel colors used for chalk body outlines.
3-Garbage collectors start going topless.
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?
A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of your beer than to forget where you left it!
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
Grocery store clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
"Mom, I'm pregnant." said Wendy. "How can that be?" Mom replied, "What did I tell you about sex?" "That I should take measures." Wendy replied, "And that's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest." I really "sniffed them out"
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
~~~~~#~~~~~~#~~~~#~~~
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

odds and ends

@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
Police were called to the Wal-Mart in Chicago yesterday over a wild female "free-for-all." One women told police she began arguing with a portrait studio employee over the price of photos when the employee called her a "brat" and began yelling obscenities at her then attacked her. One witness, an off-duty Aurora police officer shopping with her husband told police the woman rammed the employee in the back with her shopping cart at which point the two women began fighting and rolling around on the floor. Security guards then broke the fight up.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
DATELINE ICELAND If you´re a ram in Iceland, than thousands of people are lusting for your balls. The Icelandic delicacy known as ram´s testicles has become so popular that meat packers are suffering a shortage of these tasty treats. Reports say that the shortage comes at a bad time, as the country prepares to celebrate a four-week long Viking festival known as "Thorria," when citizens feast on lots of testicles. Not just a treat for adults, kindergarten students are nuts for the balls and enjoy pickling them in a salty brine and eating them with toothpicks. If meat packers can get their hands on a few more ram nuts, the festival will be a success and everyone will have a ball!
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
Q. What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?
A. A sewing machine only has one bobbin.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn.His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law". "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" "She wouldn't lie still!!"
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !""Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely."See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window andhang from the ledge by my fingernails!""Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender."Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on."When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?""Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood.""Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.And where does it land? My damned forehead!""Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender."Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day.""Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and sawthat my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
*******************

This and That Round Up

Indonesian Maid’s Tragedy ContinuesMaha Akeel, Arab News
JEDDAH, 26 December 2005 — A Riyadh judge sentenced an Indonesian maid, who accused her sponsor and his wife of torturing her, to 79 lashes yesterday.
We have made our appeal to the court and we trust in the Saudi court system and have confidence in it,” said Nour Miyati’s lawyer, Nasser Al-Dandani, who was appointed to her by the Indonesian Embassy. http://tinyurl.com/8dt5w

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, February 10, 2006
Chaos: Hamas to form
its own security agencies
WORLD TRIBUNE.COMThursday, February 9, 2006
RAMALLAH - Hamas plans to form its own security agencies to operate parallel to those of the Palestinian Authority.RAMALLAH - Hamas plans to form its own security agencies to operate parallel to those of the Palestinian Authority.
"The PA does not want us to enter the security agencies," a senior Hamas operative said. "So, we will create our own agencies."
http://tinyurl.com/9aksk

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Madonna's face irks Catholics
From: Agence France-Presse
From correspondents in Warsaw, PolandFebruary 09, 2006
POLAND'S Roman Catholics expressed outrage today after a magazine published a picture of the much revered icon of the Black Madonna with pop singer Madonna's face transposed onto it."We are shocked to see, yet again, the miraculous icon of the mother of God used in a profanatory way for advertising and business purposes," Paulinian monks at Jasna Gora monastery in the southern city of Czestochowa.http://tinyurl.com/ax4nz

Okay somewhere/how I missed the part about rioting burning flags and killing people in this article. Maybe if you read it you can find the part where the Catholics take to the streets in a mindless rampage. Or maybe just maybe they are a far more peaceful religion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

chuckles

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
Two older men sat on a bench in the park. One said, "I hear that eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil." The other man said, "I don't like raw oysters, and to tell you the truth, I don't have any women to write to!"
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
Kentucky Scientists discover new use for sheep: WOOL.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
Q. What do you call a cow who has just given birth? A. Decaffeinated
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
There will be no weapon inspections done in Iraq for the next two days because of the upcoming Moslem holidays. They're celebrating "High Da-missiles Day." Jay Leno
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
There are so many lawyers in the world, that if you were to lay them end-to-end, they would reach into the each other's pockets.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
What should you do in case of fallout? Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
I have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative. Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
I have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative. Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose.
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I should see?" Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend any of our doctors." "Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the door. @>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way. Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic. Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"
@>,`~~~,~~.>~~~
This football player named Smith was an avid hunter and it was the last day of deer season but also the last game of the season. He tells his wife " I've been just sitting on the bench all season so would you put on my uniform and take my place while I go hunting?" The wife agrees and he goes hunting while she goes to the game. The last three minutes of the game the coach yells "Smith, you're in !" she can't say anything because her husband would lose his contract and probably get sued, she thinks what can happen in just three minutes so she goes into the game. The next thing she knows she has the ball and all these guys are jumping on her and she passes out. When she comes to she's stark naked in the locker room and the coach sees her coming around and says " Don't worry Smith, as soon as we get your balls back down where they belong, your pecker will pop out !"

Good Morning World

A young lady in he maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black".
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black".
"Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair".
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes".
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"
************************
A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep,and cooked it.That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoringthe cook.He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the cooking""No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

**************************
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again in the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
**************************
"I've good news for you," said the psychiatrist. "You're a well man. It won't be necessary for you to continue the analysis any longer.""How wonderful, doctor," said George. "I'm so very pleased, I wish there were something special I could do for you in return." "Oh, that's not necessary. You've paid your bill and that's all that's expected.""But really, doctor, George says. " I'm so elated I could kiss you!" "No, don't do that", replies the doctor," Actually, we shouldn't even be lying here on the couch together."
**************************
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We just took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day!"
**************************
One day Jill asked her husband, Teddy what will he do if she were to die.Teddy replied, "I'll also die." Jill asked him, "Why?"Teddy replied, "Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness."
**************************

and again

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she says. "Yes, I see," he says. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"
------,`<----<@
As a last attempt, Saddam decides to grab a camel and runs all the way to Jordan. Upon entering Jordan he goes directly to a local bar, ties up his camel outside and enters the bar. Looking at the exhausted camel, the bartender says "Wow! what a camel, is it a male or a female?" Saddam replies "It is a female." "How do you know?" the bartender asked. "Because someone I just passed said, Look at the pussy on that camel."
------,`<----<@
My wife and I met while we were serving in the Peace Corps. By the time we left the service, we were expecting our first child. Strangely, pregnancy and childbirth are covered under "workman's comp." Filling out the forms proved to be a challenge with questions like "Describe in detail how and where this accident occurred," "What could have been done to prevent this accident?" and our favorite: "What will you do in the future
------,`<----<@
The Top 13 Euphemisms for Losing Your Virginity
13> Getting Your Pubes Flattened
12> Voting Your Hymen off the Island
11> Baking Your First Love-Custard
10> Parting the Hairy Veils
9> Coming (in 15 Seconds) of Age
8> Lifting the Embargo on Spooge Trade
7> Joining the Six-Inch-Deep Club
6> Spearing Your Britney
5> Re-Assigning Your Weapon of Masturbation
4> Performing the Hymen Maneuver
3> Popping the Cork on a Bottle of Mons Perignon
2> Peter, at Your Cervix! ... and the Number 1 Euphemism for Losing Your Virginity ...
1> Boldly Exploring the Cooze Nebula ~
Copyright 2003 by Chris White~ www.topfive.com
------,`<----<@
THE HORTH WITHPERER..... Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit."
------,`<----<@
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served. One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who turned on the fucking lights!?" "Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights'."
**************************
Two blondes were talking over coffee one morning about men. Susan said, "I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment."Debbie replied, "Tell me about it! I dated one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum. "What
did you say?" Susan asked "I just told him, 'Look, either you tell me your last name, or it's over!'"
*************************

some more odds and ends`

Voolvorth store, I got complaint
About one can of ten-cent paint
My vife, she buy in your damn store
an now, by crype, I plenty sore !!
You see, last veek the spring she come
an everything vas on the hum.
Der walls und floor, der vindows too,
she's dirty like hell I'm tella you.
My vife, she's clean an mighty neat
so she buy paint for toilet seat.
An one whole veek ve vatch vith eye,
but got damn paint she no get dry.
I say to vife, it serve you right!
to try to be so money tight.
Dat ten-cent paint, she no damn good
she vont get dry on dat damn wood.
My daughter, she get ring
around vhen on toilet seat she sit down.
For one hole veek ve stand and
vait und now we all got contispate.
Voolworth, we know not vhat to do !
You got to eat, und some go through
When pains come on, I almost faint
und squirm and cuss dot got damn paint
My vife got sister named Marie
she live all time in house with me.
You know how sex raise lovely head
I sneak sometimes in Marie's bed.
Last night, I look where she sit down
und there she got the ring around.
Und now from dat hot tailed Marie
I got white ring on front of me.
I try to vipe vith turpentine,
I howl like volf, und lose my mind.
I'm scared to death both night
und day, from vife there vill be hell to pay.
Now Mr. Voolworth,I aksa you
just vhat der hell ve gonna do ??
How can our home be nice and neat,
if your %@#$* paint no dry on toilet seat.
------,`<-----<@
------,`<----<@
An Indian joins the army. As he can't speak English, his friend joins with him to act as translator. After training they are sent to war and soon find themselves in the heat of battle. After a short skirmish they are separated. The non-English speaking Indian ends up in a fox hole with three huge marines. The first marine says to the rest, "I'm not waiting here to be killed I'm gonna try to make it back to the rest of the troops." He then jumps out of the foxhole and starts to run across the field. He gets about fifty yards before he is cut in half by machine gun fire. The second marine says, "I agree with him. I'm gonna try to make it back." He jumps out of the hole and starts to run. Twenty yards out he steps on a mine and is blown to bits. The third and largest marine says, "The hell with this I'm gonna wait here for the troops to save us." After trying to talk to the Indian he soon realizes he doesn't speak English. Thinking Indians know sign language he again tries to communicate. Walking his fingers across his hand he asks the Indian, "Are you in the infantry?" The Indian just looks at him. Then putting two fingers together and bringing down in an arc he asks, "Are you with the paratroopers?" Still no response. This time he puts one finger between two on the other hand and says, "Boom, boom, are you with artillery?" Again no response. The marine says, "I know", putting his hands over his eyes to mimic using binoculars he says, "you're with reconnaissance, right?" With this the Indian jumps out of the hole and runs like hell, he zigzags back and forth through the field using any cover he can find till finally he makes it back to his squad. There he finds his English speaking friend. His friend asks, "Are you crazy you could have been killed?" The Indian replies, "My chances better in field than another foxhole!!! In the last foxhole, a big marine tell me, 'When troops go home and moon go down him f**k me up ass till eyes bug out!!'
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A Moral Story
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once? What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news. "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son." "I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't accidentally want to get the Canadian kid."
------,`<----< @
"Dear Dad," said the letter from his soldier son, "I can't tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear." Two months later another letter arrived: "Dear Dad," it began. "I can't tell you where I am but yesterday I danced with a native girl." Another month passes before the third letter: "Dear Dad, the doctor tells me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the native girl..."
------,`<----< @

A Bowl of Odds and Ends

***************
Weird Fact
After the U.S Civil War, about 33%-50%
of all U.S. paper currency in
circulation was counterfeit.
***************
Weird Fac
t Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light
bulb was afraid of the dark.Thomas Edison,
the inventor
of the light bulb was afraid of the dark.
**************
Weird Fact
The most senior crayon maker
Emerson Moser retired after making 1.4 billion
crayons for Crayola. It was then
that he revealed
that he was actually colorblind.

*********************
Weird Fact
The Taj Mahal was once scheduled
to be torn down in the 1830's.
***************************
Weird Fact
A mole can dig a tunnel three
hundred feet long in a single night.
**************
A fisherman carelessly dropped his wallet into the water and was amazed to see a school of carp deftly balancing the wallet on their noses and tossing it from one fish to the other. "Gosh," exclaimed the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen: "Carp to carp walleting."
============
Two chefs in Boston who were competing for the title of "Finest Fish Fryer." Their talents were about equal, their dishes equally excellent. However, at the last moment one of the chefs glazed his entry and won the title. "Alas!" lamented the other, "There but for the glaze of cod go I!"
==========
Marcel Marceau owned a fabulous restaurant on the coast of Maine that specialized in the local seafood. Their particular speciality was their superb version of "Filet of Sole." Customers came from to enjoy the fine food and be greeted by the owner in pantomime. The kitchen staff were also masters of the art of pantomime. A sign over the kitchen entrance read, "These are the mimes that fry Maine's soles."
************
A moral/ethical dilemma
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, whenyou pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for a bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or, you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to *"Think Outside of the Box."*HOWEVER....The actual correct answer is to run the old lady over and puther out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood ofthe car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Olive your lovin'McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered Martini after Martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave."S'cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?""Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roundup Very Important In Our World

If you follow the links and your spider senses aren't on full alert
you may just have ice in your veins.

Last update - 22:02 08/02/2006
Rice: Iran, Syria
deliberately inflaming
anger over Mohammed cartoons

By Arnon Regular and Amos Harel, Haaretz Correspondents and Agencies
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice accused Iran and Syria on Wednesday of deliberately stoking Muslim anger in a dispute over caricatures satirizing Islam's Prophet Mohammad that has sparked deadly protests.President George W. Bush said governments should stop the violence that has erupted over the cartoons, including attacks on Western diplomatic missions in parts of the Muslim world. At least 10 people have been killed in protests in Afghanistan alone."Iran and Syria have gone out of their way to inflame sentiments and to use this to their own purposes and the word ought to call them on it," Rice said at a joint news conference with Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni.
For The Rest Of This story:
http://tinyurl.com/72e88
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Aint gonna Believe this
Next article from the J.P.







Hamas saved Israel
URI DAN, THE JERUSALEM POST
Feb. 7, 2006
The Hamas victory in the Palestinian Authority will save the Jews from themselves. Allah, not just the generals, works overtime for the Jews in order to rescue them from their politicians' chronic blindness.
The question, as always, is only how much Jewish blood will have to be spilled before the politicians, who are again running for the Knesset, wake up from the illusions they are sowing. Will we again have to pay the terrible price of over a thousand people killed and more than five thousand injured, as when Yasser Arafat's bombs woke them up from their dream of "peace" in late 2000, or will we end up paying an even higher price?
http://tinyurl.com/dxfjo

Next:




February 7, 2006
Hamas Leader Khaled Mash'al at a Damascus Mosque: The Nation of Islam Will Sit at the Throne of the World and the West Will Be Full of Remorse – When it's Too Late

The following are excerpts from an address by Hamas leader Khaled Mash'al at the Al-Murabit Mosque in Damascus. The address was delivered following the Friday sermon at the mosque, and was aired on Al-Jazeera TV on February 3, 2006. To view this clip, visit: http://www.memritv.org/Search.asp?ACT=S9&P1=1024.

TO VIEW OTHER CLIPS ON HAMAS VISIT:
http://www.memritv.org/Search.asp?ACT=S5&P1=151.
"We Say to This West... By Allah, You Will Be defeated"
Khaled Mash'al: "We apologize to our Prophet Muhammad, but we say to him: Oh Prophet of Allah, do not be saddened, your nation will be victorious.
"We say to this West, which does not act reasonably, and does not learn its lessons: By Allah, you will be defeated. http://tinyurl.com/73qcn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, February 09, 2006 09:46 IST
JNW HEADLINE NEWS
Hamas: Islam will rule the world
West can take its financial aid
and 'go to hell'
By Ryan Jones
February 8th, 2006
Hamas remains undeterred in its quest to ultimately see Israel annihilated, and says one day soon the tables will turn and the “Christian” West will be dependent on the good graces of its Muslim overlords.
For the time being, the United States and Europe can take their much needed financial aid and drop dead.Washington, and to a lesser degree Western Europe, have been threatening to cut off the flow of money to a Hamas-led Palestinian Authority unless the group
http://tinyurl.com/byvo4

**************


PA Fishermen Admit to Weapons Smuggling, Terrorism 15:42 Feb 07, '06 / 9 Shevat 5766
(IsraelNN.com) It was released for publication today that two Arab fisherman, residents of Palestinian Authority-controlled Rafiach, on the Gaza-Egypt border, admitted to interrogators that they have been involved in smuggling weapons for PA-based terrorists. The two PA residents said they had used their fishing boats on several occasions to transport weapons and related supplies from Egypt to the PA-controlled Gaza Strip in the months preceding their capture. http://tinyurl.com/944e8

*****************

Terrorist training camps might exist in UK -police
Tue 7 Feb 2006 9:25 AM ET
By Michael HoldenLONDON, Feb 7 (Reuters) - Police say they uncovered evidence of terrorist training camps in Britain after raiding Muslim cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri's north London mosque, which they believe was a global magnet for Islamic militants.Police said they have had evidence of the camps for years, but it could not be disclosed until Tuesday after the end of a trial at which the cleric was convicted of 11 charges, including soliciting murder and possessing a terrorist training manual.
Terrorist training camps might exist in UK -police
Tue 7 Feb 2006 9:25 AM ET......
http://tinyurl.com/7asj7

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Over the Danish Caricatures is a Cartoon Intifada
The French riots were an Intifada.
The Australian riots were an Intifada. The cartoon protests now sweeping the world are also an Intifada. They are not, as the mainstream media presents, a protest against religious
insensitivity. Most obviously, the thousands of Danish flags that have been supplied for burning contain the Christian cross. Here, in a continuously updated entry, is the rest of the evidence.
against religious insensitivity.
http://tinyurl.com/7gb4y