Early Sunday Mess and Mix of Places to Visit

E.L. Fredrick
http://elfrederick.blogspot.com/

Tel-Chai Nation
http://telchaination.blogspot.com/

Three score and ten or more
http://three-score-and-ten-ormore.blogspot.com/

CDR Salamander
http://cdrsalamander.blogspot.com/

http://bluestarchronicles.blogspot.com/
BlueStar Chronicles

Argghhh!!!!!!
http://www.thedonovan.com/

Bad Bad JUJU
http://badbadjuju.com/

Bad Ass Republican Dog
http://badassdog.blogspot.com/

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1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.
2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.
3. My favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."
4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.
6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunnies!
7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.
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I was part of an OS Enhancements group that was building a multi-CPU testing system. A large number of 300-Meg removable disk pack drives were shared between two CPUs. As part of our work, we did what are commonly called "Thrash Tests" wherein you seek back and forth between the outermost cylinder and the innermost cylinder. Remember that these are VERY quick drives, and that the heads build up an hellacious amount of momentum. There was also a night operator that was: a) Universally disliked b) Knew almost nothing about computers except how to follow a checklist. We set up a timed job to run at midnight, just about the time this operator would be starting his backups. Along comes midnight, and suddenly all the disk drives in the computer room start thrashing angrily "Chugachugachugachuga," and rocking back and forth. Eventually they started walking themselves along the floor. At the same time, on the operator's console, the screen blanks, and the following words appear, centered, on the display: "I'm coming to get you." The operator quit the next day.
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A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I don't think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
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"How Do You Know?" Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne (in a balloon). The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland." "How can you tell?" asked the American. "I can feel the cold air." he replied. A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said. "How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert." Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed. The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."
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Presenting some of the best all-time hoaxes (at least according to the Museum of Hoaxes), guaranteed to be completely phony, except that they really happened, only they didn't: Edison Food Machine - In 1878 THE NEW YORK GRAPHIC announced that Thomas Edison had invented a machine that could transform soil into cereal and water into wine, thus ending hunger worldwide. Newspapers across the country reported on the discovery, heaping praises on Edison. THE GRAPHIC later printed one particularly effusive editorial, with the headline, "They Bite!" English UFO - On March 31, 1989, a glowing flying saucer landed in a field outside London to the horror of residents, who called the police. A small figure in a silver suit emerged from the craft, scaring off at least one policeman. It turned out that the UFO was a hot-air balloon, intended as an April Fools' joke by Virgin Atlantic founder Richard Branson, but winds forced him to land a day early. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest - A 1957 British TV show featured a family of rural Swiss spaghetti farmers, who grew their pasta on trees, a very fertile crop now that the spaghetti weevil had disappeared. British viewers wrote in for tips on how to grow their own spaghetti trees. The BBC replied, "Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce."
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On a business trip to Hawaii I had the opportunity and time to fit in a quick snorkeling trip on one of the out islands. - After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one really statuesque, fantastic looking young woman. - As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes and so did she. - I feeling very flattered that she was poss9ibly attracted to me. Back aboard the dive boat, I introduced myself as we removed our fins, and asked her coyly why she had stayed in the water for so long. - "I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I can't get out until you do."
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Weird Fact The largest volcano known is on Mars: Olympus Mons, 370 miles wide and 79,000 feet high, is almost three times higher than Mount Everest.
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Weird Fact The artist Vincent Van Gogh sliced part of his ear off in madness.
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From Cagle More on Cartoons

Who says Muslims can't get into Heaven


ANOTHER EMBASSY BURNED, TEN MORE DEAD FROM CARTOON T-SHIRT RIOT
In the bloodiest cartoon protest yet, a mob set fire to the Italian consulate in Libya; the riot left "ten or eleven" people dead. According to Forbes.com:
... police firing bullets and tear gas tried to contain more than 1,000 demonstrators hurling rocks and bottles. The casualties included police officers ... Rioters charged the consular compound and set fire to the first floor of the building, the Italian Foreign Ministry said. Domenico Bellantone, an Italian diplomat, said 10 or 11 people - all Libyan - had died. Antonio Simoes-Concalves, an Italian consular official in Benghazi, Libya's second-largest city, said Libyan police were not able to control the crowd. "They are still continually firing," Simoes-Concalves said Friday night, speaking on the telephone from inside the consulate where he was holed up ... The riot appeared to be a reaction to Italian Cabinet Minister Roberto Calderoli, who said this week he would wear a T-shirt printed with the cartoons, which have provoked protests across the Muslim world. His remark was widely published in Libya. Calderoli wore the T-shirt beneath a suit on Friday. Hours later, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi asked for his resignation. The Italian consulate is the only Western diplomatic mission in Benghazi.
Libya "suspended" their Interior Minister for using excessive force to quell today's riot. The AP reports that at least 29 poeple have been killed in cartoon protests so far.
In the eastern Pakistan city of Chaniot today, police opened fire on cartoon-protesters who were trying to burn down shops. More than 10,000 angry but peaceful cartoon-protesters filled the streets of central London. Here's the AP report. Hundreds of Muslims gathered for another cartoon protest yesterday in New York City. Thousands more marched and burned Danish flags in Bangladesh.Newsweek Magazine had a visitor slip a cell phone to Mohammed al-Asaadi, the newspaper editor in Yemen who was jailed for reprinting the Muhammad cartoons. Newsweek then called al-Asaadi and had a very interesting interview over the cell phone. Read it here.


VIEW FROM JORDAN Our Jordanian cartoonist, Emad Hajjaj, wrote to me with his views of the cartoon furor and included a cartoon that his newspaper refused to print. Click here to see Emad's cartoons archive. Click here to e-mail Emad.
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In the eastern Pakistan city of Chaniot today, police opened fire on cartoon-protesters who were trying to burn down shops. More than 10,000 angry but peaceful cartoon-protesters filled the streets of central London. Here's the AP report. Hundreds of Muslims gathered for another cartoon protest yesterday in New York City. Thousands more marched and burned Danish flags in Bangladesh.Newsweek Magazine had a visitor slip a cell phone to Mohammed al-Asaadi, the newspaper editor in Yemen who was jailed for reprinting the Muhammad cartoons. Newsweek then called al-Asaadi and had a very interesting interview over the cell phone. Read it here.

Sat. Evening Chuckles

Note for today. Helped work on the other blogs for my son.

Tree Hugger
A woman from Los Angeles, who was an avid tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Colorado. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of the surrounding land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest town to find a doctor. After arriving, she informed him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angrywoman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and said, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from arecreational area. I'm sorry, but seems as if they've turned me down.
"GOD BLESS AMERICA
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In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?" Suzy says " Forty." T he teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant." Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?" Suzy answers "Nineteen." The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant." Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?" The teacher asks, "How old are you?" Suzy says, "I'm seven years old." The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant." Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
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Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in." The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments. "She doesn't even know how to drive!" The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. She doesn't even have a penis!"
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The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available. The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?" The first 2nd Looey thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir, I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging..." "You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted. The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate. "Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and..." "You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said. The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate. Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a fucking flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!" "You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.
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When Dick the dumbass teen went to the urologist complaining of discharge dripping from his penis, the doctor took one look and told him he had V.D. "No way," said the shocked young lad, blushing terribly. "It's gotta be a cold." "Call it what you like, dude," said the dick doctor. "But we'll have to treat it like the clap until it sneezes."
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Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got wasted." The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange. Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year." Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never EVER marry my mother!" The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you fucking bastards please pass the salt?"
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
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Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!" Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever. The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!" Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?" "Yeah, so?" "You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bruce and Rhonda were out walking along the river bank one Sunday afternoon when they came across Herb Wilson sitting by a large tree with a fishing line in the river. `Are ya catchin' any?' asked Bruce. `Just a few,' said Herb. `How big?' `Just tiddlers,' said Herb, `about the size of your diddle.' Bruce and Mable retreated to the other side of the tree and started to have a cuddle. Shortly after, Rhonda called out to Herb. `Eh! Herb.' she called. `Yes Rhonda.' `I'll bet yer catchin' some woppers now.'
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Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn, A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing. As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the arse with it Bruce jumps up and runs out side. Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty, Dad looked down at her and said I didn't think you had it in you Mary. Neither did I dad said Mary until you hit him on the arse with the shovel...
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A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks. The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language!" Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!" She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."
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Our dog, Longie, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal. For three days he found nothing amiss. Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m. with frantic barking. When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Longie. Larry hurried outside and found the culprit. Crouching on the other side of the fence was our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing. My husband demanded to know what he was doing. "My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she says she'll leave." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is an Arkansas fortune cookie?
A: A biscuit with a food stamp inside.
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A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don't have any money. I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!" To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!" With that the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!" She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, Mom?"
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A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods, scratched your butt and found Vaseline all over it, would you tell anyone?" "Hell no!" the guy said. The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone then?" The man said, "Of course not!" The stranger said, "Wanna go camping?"
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John came home from the office and found Jill sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled John. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky you have," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole." -----
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A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks,"
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On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?" "I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily. "Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?" The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"
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My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mom said it was irreplaceable."
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A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in France these days?"
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My father's method of accountng for the hundreds of cattle on his ranch was very unique.
Every spring he would move the herd down a long ramp, through a wooden gate and into a holding pen for inspection. As each animal entered the pen, he marked the count on the gate.
One summer, he went to the local bank in town to apply for a loan, using his cattle for collateral. The bank officer asked to see his records.
"No problem," replied dad.
He went back to the ranch, took the gate off its hinges and brought it in to the bank.
......... Dad got the loan!

Grab a hot toddy and Enjoy Sat. Bowl of Stew

These are links to use for new stuff for your blog.
Junk and stuff.They all look interesting.

http://www.geocities.com/PicketFence/5322/gifs.html

http://www.pspiz.net/tutorials/

Blinkies always are fun
http://www.wtv-zone.com/marciasuz/Blinkies/MsMBlinkieBonanza.html

"First they sue the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer; Then the fast food places for making them fat; Guess I can sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I have slept with."
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A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?" She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely. Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute" "What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"
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Young Leroy, roughly 10 years of age, is walking downtown and a girl calls to him, "blowjob, twenty dollars." He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?" His mom replies, " Twenty dollars, just like downtown!"
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REVEREND JESSE JACKSON WALKED INTO THE APPLIANCE SECTION OF A SEARS STORE, LOOKED AROUND, THEN SHOUTED, "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER RIGHT NOW!" THE MANAGER OF THE DEPARTMENT CAME OUT AND SAID, "HOW CAN I HELP YOU, REVEREND?" JESS REPLIED, "I WANT TO KNOW WHY ALLLLLLLLLLLLL OF YOUR WASHING MACHINES ARE WHITE?" THE MANAGER IMMEDIATELY FLIPPED OPEN ALL THE LIDS OF THE WASHING MACHINES AND SAID, "REVEREND JACKSON, YES - ALL OF THE WASHING MACHINES ARE WHITE, BUT IF YOU LOOK INSIDE, YOU'LL FIND THAT ALL OF THE AGITATORS ARE BLACK
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One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
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The speaker at the bank's drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and the tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with their frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady who would come every week pulled up to the window, leaned out, and smacked the glass in front of the teller's face. "I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled. There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so the teller was touched by her concern. "It is," She yelled back. "Good," she continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that damn speaker fixed!"
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The speaker at the bank's drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and the tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with their frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady who would come every week pulled up to the window, leaned out, and smacked the glass in front of the teller's face. "I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled. There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so the teller was touched by her concern. "It is," She yelled back. "Good," she continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that damn speaker fixed!"
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Questions received by the chap stick hotline:
"Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?"
"Can I use it to highlight passages in books?"
"Is it safe for my kitty's lips?"
"Is it true that the Chinese use these instead of forks?"
"I like to dress the tubes in tiny little clothes I make. Is this illegal?"
"Is it available in a spray?"
"I wrote a 22-page poem about Chap Stick. Where do I send it?"
"I lost my Chap Stick -- did anyone turn it in?"
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On one of his pastoral visits, a minister noticed fifteen holes cut in a door and inquired what they were for. "We have fifteen cats, and that's for them to go out through," the man of the house explained. "Well, why do you need fifteen holes? Can't they all go out through the same hole one by one?" questioned the minister. "Friend," said the fellow, "when my wife says 'scat,' she means it!"
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Norm was tasked with taking the Christmas decorations up to the attic for another year's storage. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind. His wife heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?" "I just fell down the stairs," he explained. She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!" "No, no, I'm fine." There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said, "No, Honey, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"
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Just a mess for Da morning coffee(Not PC)

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. Heperforms underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he
sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana,
which was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won."Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I
would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I
can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have
a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water
out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver
through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan,
and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom andstart working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole
suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched
it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. "The hot water
machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my
back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of
my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
"His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all
laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach
the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface,
I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with
tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on
my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop fortwo days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had
a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.""And whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad" day?"
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Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in
northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the
lake in his canoe.Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?"Pierre replied, "Woman, I'm leaving you!"Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our marriage?"Pierre replied, "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!"
He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?"Pierre replied, "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!"
He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?"Pierre replied, "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!"
He kept paddling across the lake.Then Marie hikes up her skirt and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?"As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles,"Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over
at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
~~~~~~#~~~~~#~~~~#~~~~#
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a
friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he
had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
~~~~~~#~~~~~#~~~~#~~~~#
CAN you read this?
Olny srmat poelpe can.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor! of
the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr
the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid
deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt!!
~~~~~~#~~~~~#~~~~#~~~~#
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage,and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband seeyou in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something.""Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?""Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?" "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
********************
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Yousef? This is Renaldoyour country house caretaker" "Ah yes, Mr. Renaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?""That's the one." "Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat.""Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?" "Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Renaldo?" "Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart." Are you insane? What water cart?""The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire." "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???" "For the funeral." "WHAT FUNERAL???!!!!!" "Your wife's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger WoodsNike Driver." SILENCE.......................... "Renaldo... if you broke that driver you are so fired!"
********************
According to Webster the difference between the definition of"guts" and "balls" is? Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
*********************
guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says toher, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around,runs around the block and gets to the cornerbefore she does."Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again."Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around thenext block and faces her again. "Would youlet me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok,just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the mostperfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them andstarts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,burying his face in them, but not biting them.The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them ornot?""Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."
*********************
Three old ladies are going to a baseball game and since they have never been to one before they are very excited. But just to make the game a little more interesting, they decide to bring along a fifth of Jack Daniels. The game is really good, the crowd is into it and everybody is having a good time. The little old ladies keep adding a little Jack Daniels to their colas drinks and now they are having a wonderful time. A little more than half way through the game the old ladies notice that they are just about out of Jack Daniels, "So," one of them ask "What inning is it?" And another replies, "But, of course, it's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!"
********************
For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time there, he'd finally managed to have an affair with the innkeeper's virgin daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin.' We decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
*********************
There were two old men sitting on a park bench. Tina, a blonde woman, walks by.One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?" The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time." Angie, a brunette, then walks by.The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?" The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time." Amy, a redhead, walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?" The other old man smiles and says, "Nope, not a wink."
*********************
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER PARK TRASH WHEN...
You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
*********************

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT, DIDN'T YOU?"

Sat Morning Smiles

Weird Fact
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the Blue Ridge Mountains, there was a retired sailor who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Chief" Three Admirals went-up into the mountains and wanted to rent him. The old sailor said good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "Chief" got better, gonna cost you $75.00 a day," again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with the limit. The third year they came back and told the old sailor they had to have "Chief" even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." But we don't understand, what happen to him?" Well a crew from the Navy base in Norfolk came up and rented him. One of the idiots called him Master Chief , and he's just been sitting on his butt barkin' ever since.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "I"m dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!" The Jew replied "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need." The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which Service Has the Smartest Enlisted Force? There is no doubt at all that, of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just opinion, it's provable fact: Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men." Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!" Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!" Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like! fudge . . ..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blame The Computer!!
Q: What is a computer's first sign of old age?
A: Loss of memory.
Q: What does a baby computer call his father?
A: Data. Q: What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
A: The space bar.
Q: What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
A: It slipped a disk.
Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?
A: It was looking for a byte to eat.
Q: What is a computer virus?
A: A terminal illness.
Q: How did the mouse get out of the Russian Cathedral?
A: He clicked on an icon and opened a window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused, "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adopt an Egg
http://www.thesitefights.com/buttons/eggs/

Laughes (Pg)ated

Mexican from El Paso found himself in Lubbock and decided to approach a prostitute down on 17th & Row He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour?" "$100", she replied. "Do you do Messican style?" he asked. Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused. He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it Messican style." Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer, "I'll give you $500 to go Messican style with me! "What do you say?" Finally she agrees, thinking; "Well I've been in the game for over ten years now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from weirdo's from all over the world. How kinky could Messican style be?" After an hour of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said, "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting?" "Where does the 'Messican style' come in?" The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied, "I pay you next Wednesday when I get my check"
@>`--'---->,---
In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the center of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities. - At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire. - Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honored to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the inner center circle. - Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them. - Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity. - And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.
@>`--'---->,---
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."
@>`--'---->,---
Q. How much calcium is there in a woman's breasts?
A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long.
Q. Why sperm donation is expensive than blood donation?
A. Because it is hand made.
Q. When a woman arouses a man and leaves, she is known as a c*ck teaser. What is a male called when he does the same to a female?
A. Moisturizer
Q. What do u get when you put a bomb in a girls bra?
A. Tit bits
Q. What do u get when you put a bomb in a guy's under wear?
A. Banana split
Q: What is the useless piece of flesh attached to the p*nis?
A: The Man.
Q: Why is breast milk good for health?
A: Because it's great for blood circulation, provides heat, is refreshing and comes in attractive containers.
Q: Why was two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate meat section from the dairy section.
Q: A man is dying of cancer. His son asked "Dad, why u keep telling people u r dying of AIDS?"
A: Dad replies : So when I'm dead no one is going to f*ck your mom.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it does not come, you're f*cked.
@>`--'---->,---
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost four years. As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!" Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years she replied, "at this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."
@>`--'---->,---
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress." His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
@>`--'---->,---
"Look," said the husband, "if you don't put some more action into it in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some 'strange stuff'." "Listen Romeo," snapped the wife, "if you could somehow manage just a inch or so more, you'd get yourself some 'strange stuff' right here."
@>`--'---->,---
Ever wonder how the trend of replacing human customer service representatives with computers could affect the military. Here's the result. Picture troops under fire, desperately needing artillery support, making a phone call and hearing the following: Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated artillery support request line. Please be assured that we will attempt to assist you with all available resources in the shortest time possible. For air support, please call the U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW. [In enemy language: If you are a member of the [enemy country] army, we will not be able to assist you. Please contact your own army's artillery support request line at 1-800-DIEYANK] If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please press 1. If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press 2. If you are defending a fixed position, please press 3. If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about to be overrun, please press 4. If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission request, please press 5. Press the star key at any time to return to the main menu. Please select the type of fire mission you would like. If you would like 81 mm. mortars, please press 1. If you would like 105 mm. howitzers, please press 2. If you would like advanced munitions, such as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates. If you would like to request the use of chemical or nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line. The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as soon as possible. Enter the map coordinates of the target you would like to strike, followed by the pound sign. Please remember to verify your coordinates and remember that your request may take several minutes to process. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] You have entered co-ordinates 323451. If this is correct, please press 1. Thank you. Please enter your battalion pass-code, followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify your pass-code, we will begin processing your request. If you have forgotten your pass-code, please contact 1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary pass-code. Please enter your passcode now. [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] Thank you. [Pause] Your pass-code has been verified and your request will be processed. We strongly suggest that you and your comrades take cover as soon as possible. Thank you for using the 26th Division's artillery request support line.
@>`--'---->,---
Morry from Queensland walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The Silver Haired waitress asks for their orders. The man says, a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the Silverhair returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and Morry reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment The next day, Morry and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again Morry reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the Silverhair. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says Moary. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. Silver can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says Moary, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the Silver. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a** and long legs who agrees with everything I say
@>`--'---->,---
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
@>`--'---->,---
Einstein's theory A month from now will be the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday. He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. It was called Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty
@>`--'---->,---
I just spoke to my counterpart at a major seminary college (the name of which, at his request, shall remain known only to the Lord), and he was in a tizzy. It seems that he is behind in his theological research and is rushing to publish a much needed paper, without which, there is a very good possibility that he will be reassigned as a priest to a congregation somewhere in the boondocks. He told me that this situation affected most of the Brothers at the college, at one time or another, just as it affects many professors at universities and colleges all over the world. That's right. Even at a religious college, it's either publish or parish.@>`--'---->,---A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination. After he had completed his' tests, the doctor said, "You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding." "Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked. "Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly, "I don't believe in specs before marriage." (Richard Guttman)
@>`--'---->,---
The janitor in a Jewish synagogue was collecting the cut-off bits after the weekly circumcisions were performed. Being a responsible Jew, he realized it was a shame to be throwing them away and thought that they could be turned into something useful. So he walked into a cobblers, dropped a load of them onto the counter and asked the cobbler to make him a wallet. The cobbler asked him to come back tin a week. When he did, he was overwhelmed with his foreskin wallet. It had beautiful stitching, plenty of pockets for holding cards and cash and was the best wallet he had ever seen. "How much for your work?", he enquired. "$100" said the cobbler. "$100?" gasped the janitor, "but I can buy a new, top of the range wallet for $40". "That's true" replied the cobbler, "but this one is special. When I gave it a quick polish and shine last night, it turned into a suitcase!"
@>`--'---->,---
Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
A: Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of standing cock.
@>`--'---->,---
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?" "The truth is," replied the politician, "That she has a big mouth."
@>`--'---->,---
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, 'You are what you are.'" The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, 'You is what you is.'"
@>`--'---->,---
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do". "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
@>`--'---->,---
Q. What two 4-letter words do men hate?
A. Don't and stop, unless used together
@>`--'---->,---
^ ^ ^ ^ Truisms ^ ^ ^ ^
*Birds of a feather flock together, and crap on your car.
*There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
*When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain.
*If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
*Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
*A penny saved is a government oversight.
*The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
*The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
*The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
*He who hesitates is probably right.
*If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
*The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
*The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
@>`--'---->,---
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains what happened. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with a coworker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."
@>`--'---->,---
A Cynic's Dictionary
ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.
BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles.
@>`--'---->,---
One night a man walks into a bar with a pig.The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig,
but why does he have a wooden leg?"The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig.
One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig.
One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam meto safety. Saved my life."The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig.
Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulledme out. Saved my life."Finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire,
an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
@>`--'---->,---

Tom and Phil are good friends, but tom is a little nieve, so just after his wedding night
he asked his friend " What do you do when you can't get it in, it's too tight"
Phil tells his friend "Just put a little lard in a cup and when you get ready to put it in,
just stick it in the lard, then it will go right in for you."
Tom looks at Phil dumbfounded......"You mean you can get yours in a cup!!!!!"
@>`--'---->,---
John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their
8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him
to report on all the neighborhood activities.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed."An ambulance just drove by."A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike " "The Coopers are having sex."Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked,
"How do you know they are having sex?""Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
@>`--'---->,---

Friday Nite Grins

LETTER OF APOLOGY
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of
unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch"
to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Years Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day,
I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to
everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I
try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you
Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon,
nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of
you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never
know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were
trying to get the glass jug off. Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you
seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister
broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you
incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it
was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had. Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you.
If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse
if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through.
She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories. Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course,
I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!! Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly
must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together
for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates. Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I
found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I
was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them, and you had to go home
in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said,
I was a little drunk.
To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it
makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks
were gone was even worse. Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to
come to the picnic.

All about bugs
http://exn.ca/Bugs/home.cfm

Farmers Almanac Prediciting weather
http://www.almanac.com/weathercenter/pigspleen.php

One Canadian Recipe
http://www.recipezaar.com/113388

@>`--'---->,---

Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway

@>`--'---->,---

Redneck Divorce Letter
Dear Cooter,
Me an Sue Ellen have divorced. The judge gave her the double wide and the pickup.
So, like the court order said, I delivered the truck before 2 o'clock yesterday afternoon. I took a picshure fer proof that I delivered it...wanted to make shor she found it when she got home!!!

How's your day going? See ya later,
Your Buddy,
Bubba

"Git er done!"

Another Shameless blog Plug

Earlier today I had a roundup of some blogs by the ladies. They were all passionate about their subjects. Especially Sin at SubTerFuge. I still say read what she wrote about the media revisiting the abu gra.....
Now for an equally shameless plug for Mark at
http://knockinonthegoldendoor.mu.nu/ If you visit his blog go to Is This American Academia and follow a couple of his links real eye openers. Spent hours reading and getting a new tude.


He has also written and article at a college paper I believe well worth you time.http://tinyurl.com/bm5xp

I Just Cannot Let This Slide By

Hillary, Hillary, Hillary,
Are you sure you want to say such stupid things to show your petty shallow, oh so forgetful self?
I just can't let this article pass without a little walk down memory lane with you old girl. Do you recall that you were oh so slow finding files pertaining to White Water and how slow your memory recall was during those days. Do you want to bet that others of us can recall your actions during you husbands adminstration? Hillary, hon do you want to really point to Dick Cheney and G.W. Bush when your husband cut backroom deals to arm China and North Korea? Thus creating the mess we have in the world today?
How you and Slick gutted the military? Hillary baby your failed medical plans that were social programs that would have bankrupted America. Oh dear, my stars and bars I have not forgotten. I would bet the other women out here in fly over country that you need to get into the white house hasn't either.See dear you do need us the voting women in fly over land and when you trash the ones we admire your are walking on the fighting side of us.
Hillary dear you must hide yo' po' white trash background and breeding and try to take the hi road. These tirades you keep throwing show us that breeding will tell dear.

Wednesday, Feb. 15, 2006 9:02 a.m. EST
Hunter Hillary Clinton Blasts Shotgun-Gate Stonewalling
An angry-sounding New York Sen. Hillary Clinton blasted the White House yesterday for failing to disclose details about Vice President Dick Cheney's hunting accident over the weekend, complaining that Bush administration officials were stonewalling on "legitimate requests for information."
"The refusal of this administration to level with the American people on matters large and small is very disturbing, because it goes counter to the way our constitutional democracy . . .
http://tinyurl.com/bvpcg

Giggles (R)ated

@>`~~~,`>~~~~

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz

"I don't have an hourglass figure. I have an hour and a half. I have a little too much time on my ass." - Wendy Liebman

Research has been being conducted on the world's first contraceptive patch for women. The patch is approximately three inches in diameter and reads: "Get Away From Me."

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

"The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions." - Ellen Glasgow

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

When you are dating..You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

While a female chimpanzee is in heat, she seeks sex an average of twenty times a day. That sounds like what the average human male does every day

"A truly perfect marriage would be one between a blind woman and a deaf man." - George Burns

Q. Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
A. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An employee of USAir, with the last name of Gay, boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that, if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?" The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!" The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane." At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!" Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Hallelujah! I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did. Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said, "I can't hear you." Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you." This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you." By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question." So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?" The priest answered, "By golly, you can't hear in here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An older couple went to the doctors office together. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist finally said, "JUMP!" And the frog leapt. The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book, "Frogs can jump." The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said, "JUMP!" And the frog leapt. The scientist quickly added to his log book, "Frogs can jump with three legs." The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said, "JUMP!" And the frog leapt. The scientist then added to his previous observations, "Frogs can jump with two legs." On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said, "JUMP!" And the frog leapt. Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his log book, "Frogs can jump with only one leg!" Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, all ready thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs. He then said: "JUMP!" But alas the frog did not leap. "JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist. Still, the frog did not leap. "JUMP!" yelled the scientist. The frog did not leap. The scientist, a little disappointed, finally wrote down in his log book, "Frogs, when deprived of all legs, become deaf."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do a split.
7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.
3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.
And the # 1 thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damn G-spot.
Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.
6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.
And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:
1. Repeat # 9.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I took a picture of my husband's backside as he was stepping out of the shower and then forgot about it. A few months passed and I needed to shop for picnic supplies for our 4th of July family barbeque and my sister-in-law accompanied me. As I walked out the door my husband called out, "Don't forget to pick up beer." I picked up everything I needed, beer included, at Lucky's market. The checker, when he got to the beer, asked me for ID. Being 36 at the time I was both surprised and flattered. I pulled out my wallet, flipped it open to my license without looking at it and held it out to the checker. The weirdest expression crossed his face and I said, "What, what's wrong?" He just looked at me without replying so I turned the wallet toward me to see why he was behaving so oddly. My license photo, which I had not looked at for months, had been very neatly pasted over with that picture of my husband's hairy butt. I showed it to my sister in-law and we both began laughing like lunatics. I was so hysterical I had trouble writing out the check. Both of us were still laughing when we walked out the door. The clerk, who I'm convinced was lobotomized, never even cracked a smile. When I returned home, I joined my husband in the backyard, as he was fine tuning the barbeque. "Did you remember to get the beer?", he asked. "Yep," I replied, "Got carded too." He stopped what he was doing and looked at me for a couple of seconds and then fell on the ground laughing. He'd done the dirty deed so long ago that he'd forgotten about it until then. Thank God I wasn't pulled over by a cop!
~~~~~~~~~~~
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it ... you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "O.K., sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
~~~~~~~~~~~
On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity. In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman, the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two nurses who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her legs and made his diagnosis: "You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two sheets and a chair is beyond me." The patient replied, "You know, you're not the first short-dicked man to tell me that."