Early Sunday Mess and Mix of Places to Visit
Three score and ten or more
Bad Bad JUJU
Bad Ass Republican Dog
1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.
2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who's muscular and shirtless.
3. My favorite party game is "Pin the Cleanup on the Guests."
4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.
6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunnies!
7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I'm not usually too hot in the kitchen.
I was part of an OS Enhancements group that was building a multi-CPU testing system. A large number of 300-Meg removable disk pack drives were shared between two CPUs. As part of our work, we did what are commonly called "Thrash Tests" wherein you seek back and forth between the outermost cylinder and the innermost cylinder. Remember that these are VERY quick drives, and that the heads build up an hellacious amount of momentum. There was also a night operator that was: a) Universally disliked b) Knew almost nothing about computers except how to follow a checklist. We set up a timed job to run at midnight, just about the time this operator would be starting his backups. Along comes midnight, and suddenly all the disk drives in the computer room start thrashing angrily "Chugachugachugachuga," and rocking back and forth. Eventually they started walking themselves along the floor. At the same time, on the operator's console, the screen blanks, and the following words appear, centered, on the display: "I'm coming to get you." The operator quit the next day.
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with WWJD printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, so he asked the clerk. The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation. The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I don't think Jesus would pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
"How Do You Know?" Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne (in a balloon). The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland." "How can you tell?" asked the American. "I can feel the cold air." he replied. A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said. "How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert." Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed. The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."
Presenting some of the best all-time hoaxes (at least according to the Museum of Hoaxes), guaranteed to be completely phony, except that they really happened, only they didn't: Edison Food Machine - In 1878 THE NEW YORK GRAPHIC announced that Thomas Edison had invented a machine that could transform soil into cereal and water into wine, thus ending hunger worldwide. Newspapers across the country reported on the discovery, heaping praises on Edison. THE GRAPHIC later printed one particularly effusive editorial, with the headline, "They Bite!" English UFO - On March 31, 1989, a glowing flying saucer landed in a field outside London to the horror of residents, who called the police. A small figure in a silver suit emerged from the craft, scaring off at least one policeman. It turned out that the UFO was a hot-air balloon, intended as an April Fools' joke by Virgin Atlantic founder Richard Branson, but winds forced him to land a day early. The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest - A 1957 British TV show featured a family of rural Swiss spaghetti farmers, who grew their pasta on trees, a very fertile crop now that the spaghetti weevil had disappeared. British viewers wrote in for tips on how to grow their own spaghetti trees. The BBC replied, "Place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce."
On a business trip to Hawaii I had the opportunity and time to fit in a quick snorkeling trip on one of the out islands. - After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one really statuesque, fantastic looking young woman. - As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes and so did she. - I feeling very flattered that she was poss9ibly attracted to me. Back aboard the dive boat, I introduced myself as we removed our fins, and asked her coyly why she had stayed in the water for so long. - "I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I can't get out until you do."
Weird Fact The largest volcano known is on Mars: Olympus Mons, 370 miles wide and 79,000 feet high, is almost three times higher than Mount Everest.
Weird Fact The artist Vincent Van Gogh sliced part of his ear off in madness.