A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looksover at him and asks the question......
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Wouldyou get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again.
"WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing todo."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
A frightened man dialed 911 to report an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to the dispatcher, "when I was struck on the forehead. Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!" After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent an officer to investigate. About a half hour later, the rookie returns to the station and is sporting a large bump on his head. "What happened to you?," asked the chief. "Did you find the perp?" "Yes I did, and it was easy, chief," replied the rookie, rubbing his sore head ... "I stepped on the fuckin' rake, too."
A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait. The man replies "This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love 'em". The luckless man asks "But why do you smell each one?" "Well.." he replies, " he's a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there".
A little boy and girl were walking along a trail in the woods. The little girl noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little boy, why is that rabbit on top that other one"? she asked. The little boy stops to consider his answer, and replies, "they're making cigarettes". "Cigarettes"! she says, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they approach a couple of raccoons. The little girl asked, "are they making cigarettes too"? "Yea," says the Little boy. The little girl looks around and says "It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes." " Why don't we make cigarettes?" she asked. The little boy was quick to say, "Ok"! A short time latter the little boy and the little girl were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little boy, what kinda cigarettes did we make"? The little boy stops to think about his answer, then replies,"Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it's a Lucky Strike".
A wife didn't believe her husband was going fishing and camping every weekend with his male friends. After a terrible argument, he told her, come and go along. She said, no, with a wife along you ole boys will not have any fun or anything as usual. He told her to put her hair up, put on a baseball cap and wear his old boots and his old torn crotch, torn knees, ragged coveralls and his felt, plaid shirt. She agreed. He would call her Ralph, and she would be just one of the boys. The first night all 15 of them were sitting around the campfire, trying to decide on the night's entertainment. One old boy said, "Lets put up a pot and measure Penises, longest wins." A drunk sitting across from "Ralph" with the torn crotch coveralls, said, "I don't know about penises, but I'll bet everything I own that old Ralph has the longest asshole you've ever seen!!"
The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid, an Irish lass, straight out of the country. The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white balls. She, being curious and not bashful, asked, "What are these?" He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf balls." She said, "OH!", and went on dusting. A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small white balls, only now there were four. She said, "I see you shot another Golf."
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his asshole. He seemed unaware of the men's approach. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog." "I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate an ACLU lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swim suit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realise that he now sported a raging hardon. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away..
A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." " That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's next."
A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table". The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"
In a survey in Modern Maturity magazine, men over seventy- five said they had sex once a week. Which proves that old guys lie about sex too.
While it might be considered somewhat, er, shall we say 'outre'," the physician told the inquiring husband. "I don't see any real harm from your wife's night-creaming her genital area with various whipped edible varieties." "But Doc !!!" the man persisted. "I'm already 30 pounds overweight."
Whats the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once.
I came home late from the pub with the latest joke to tell my Irish wife: that an Irish nymphomaniac is a woman who has an insatiable desire for sex at least once a year. She did not laugh. Instead she informed me that an Irish homosexual was a man who preferred women to liquor.
They say God is neither black nor white, male nor female and loves all children.... Does that mean Michael Jackson is God?
A man gets sent to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cellmate says to him, "We're gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?" After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, "Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy." "OK," his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's dick."