Sunday Mess

@>`~~~~>,~~~
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looksover at him and asks the question......
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Wouldyou get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again.
"WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing todo."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
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A frightened man dialed 911 to report an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to the dispatcher, "when I was struck on the forehead. Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!" After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent an officer to investigate. About a half hour later, the rookie returns to the station and is sporting a large bump on his head. "What happened to you?," asked the chief. "Did you find the perp?" "Yes I did, and it was easy, chief," replied the rookie, rubbing his sore head ... "I stepped on the fuckin' rake, too."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A man has been fishing on the bank of a river for hours without a nibble. A newcomer sits down 25 feet away, baits up and casts out. Not two minutes later, he gets a huge strike and lands a trophy. Again and again he baits, casts out and immediately catches a huge fish. The luckless man is now watching the new guy to see his secret. He sees that the man removes a piece of bait from a jar, inspects it carefully and smells it before putting it on the hook. He walks over to him and asks about the bait. The man replies "This is very special bait indeed. I get it from a friend who is a mortician, he cuts the pussy lips off all the women that he works on. The fish really love 'em". The luckless man asks "But why do you smell each one?" "Well.." he replies, " he's a real joker, sometimes he throws an asshole in there".
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A little boy and girl were walking along a trail in the woods. The little girl noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little boy, why is that rabbit on top that other one"? she asked. The little boy stops to consider his answer, and replies, "they're making cigarettes". "Cigarettes"! she says, as they continue walking along. Pretty soon they approach a couple of raccoons. The little girl asked, "are they making cigarettes too"? "Yea," says the Little boy. The little girl looks around and says "It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes." " Why don't we make cigarettes?" she asked. The little boy was quick to say, "Ok"! A short time latter the little boy and the little girl were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little boy, what kinda cigarettes did we make"? The little boy stops to think about his answer, then replies,"Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if you don't it's a Lucky Strike".
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A wife didn't believe her husband was going fishing and camping every weekend with his male friends. After a terrible argument, he told her, come and go along. She said, no, with a wife along you ole boys will not have any fun or anything as usual. He told her to put her hair up, put on a baseball cap and wear his old boots and his old torn crotch, torn knees, ragged coveralls and his felt, plaid shirt. She agreed. He would call her Ralph, and she would be just one of the boys. The first night all 15 of them were sitting around the campfire, trying to decide on the night's entertainment. One old boy said, "Lets put up a pot and measure Penises, longest wins." A drunk sitting across from "Ralph" with the torn crotch coveralls, said, "I don't know about penises, but I'll bet everything I own that old Ralph has the longest asshole you've ever seen!!"
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The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid, an Irish lass, straight out of the country. The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white balls. She, being curious and not bashful, asked, "What are these?" He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf balls." She said, "OH!", and went on dusting. A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small white balls, only now there were four. She said, "I see you shot another Golf."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his asshole. He seemed unaware of the men's approach. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog." "I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate an ACLU lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
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A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swim suit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realise that he now sported a raging hardon. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away..
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." " That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's next."
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A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table". The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
In a survey in Modern Maturity magazine, men over seventy- five said they had sex once a week. Which proves that old guys lie about sex too.
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While it might be considered somewhat, er, shall we say 'outre'," the physician told the inquiring husband. "I don't see any real harm from your wife's night-creaming her genital area with various whipped edible varieties." "But Doc !!!" the man persisted. "I'm already 30 pounds overweight."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Whats the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once.
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I came home late from the pub with the latest joke to tell my Irish wife: that an Irish nymphomaniac is a woman who has an insatiable desire for sex at least once a year. She did not laugh. Instead she informed me that an Irish homosexual was a man who preferred women to liquor.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
They say God is neither black nor white, male nor female and loves all children.... Does that mean Michael Jackson is God?
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A man gets sent to prison and, as soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cellmate says to him, "We're gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?" After thinking about it for a minute, the man slowly answers, "Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy." "OK," his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck mommy's dick."






Random links
http://www.fugitivehunter.org/index.html

GEE HERE IS ANOTHER ONE???????

SOMETIMES LIFE IS FUNNIER THAN MY JOKES I FIND THE FOLLOWING IN THAT CATAGORY. IT WAS IN MY EMAIL A BIT AGO.

Isn't it cute? I think it is from the shallow end of the gene pool. With out the microscope I can't be sure. Whatever it is, apparently it does not visit my site very often or it would know that I don't generally talk about politics. If anyone wishes to play with it feel free to poke it with a stick or comment on it. As for going to Hell, well I have been told that before. That is not for something from the shallow end of the gene pool to decide.
I am betting the email addy is a fake.
However tracking what I see on my site meter its another disgruntled Canadian, that is not happy with our politics. (For some reason I thought they had their own problems) Now isn't that cute? I did however send a brief note back to that addy. See bottom of post.


From : Jess Garrison bushcheneycriminals@hotmail.com
Sent : Saturday, February 25, 2006 4:10 PM
To : patricia_hughes@msn.com
Subject : Hi Douchebag!

Do you enjoy life with your head buried up Dubyas ass? Must really be a wretched situation for you. You rightwing, knuckledragging, inbred fuckups are hilarious. As Bushco drags this country into the mud, you and the rest of his braindead cult of followers hang off his every word. Enjoy hell because that's where you're going.

FOAD.

(MY ANSWER)Thank you how enlightening of you perhaps next time you could possibly send some facts with your emails.

Sat Mornings Odds and Ends

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THE MILITARY: 1945 vs. 2006
1945 - NCOs had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2005- Everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945 - We painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2005 - Do it now and see what happens
1945 - If you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the dorms to sleep it off.
2005 - If you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
1945 - You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2005 - You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.
1945 - Canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them. 2005 - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.
1945 - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
2005 - They collect your pee and analyze it.
1945 - If you didn't act right, the First Sergeant put you in the brig until you straightened up.
2005 - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
1945 - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2005 - Medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.
1945 - You slept in barracks like a soldier.
2005 - You sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.
1945 - You ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.
2005 - You eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much.
1945 - We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
2005 - We fight ideological wars with no specific enemies like the war on drugs and the war on terrorism, with no victory in sight.
1945 - If you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officer's Club.
2005 - The beer will cost you $3.50, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.
1945 - The Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
2005 - You can get better and cheaper merchandise at Wal-Mart and K-Mart.
1945 - We called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them. 2005 - We call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.
1945 - Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2005 - Wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.
1945 - All you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian, again.
2005 - All you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian, again.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons." After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
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Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?" Soldier:
"No, SIR!"
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Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
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Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than that." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not fair." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
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Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command"sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require...especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
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From an article in a local newspaper, circa 1892: OBITUARY POETRY
When the role of sharp, shrewd business men is called, a prominent place will certainly be given to Thomas Smith, sculptor, for he cut this in his wife's tomb:
"Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style $250.00."
There is glory enough for any man in this stanza which is dedicated to a suicide:
"He never won immortal fame Nor conquered earthly ills, Yet men weep for him all the same He always paid his bills."
The late Mr. Tugs relatives not only believed in brevity but were evidently sure the deceased was out of trouble, for they put on his headstone:
"Here lies Tom Tug, As snug as a bug in a rug."
Last of all, and most unique is the originality of the lettering artist who was ordered to inscribe "Let her rest in peace" upon a tombstone. Not finding enough room for the entire sentence, he abbreviated it in this manner:
"Let her r.i.p."

Mid Life

Midlife ...

is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
women no longer have upper arms, we have wing- spans, we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.
It's more like splat! is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too"!
is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
You know you are getting old when you go for mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
can bring out your angry, bitter side.
You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
is when your memory really starts to go:
the only thing you still retain is water.
The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half- full.
Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.
is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes Legs- by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).
is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice.


http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
http://www.sketchswap.com/
http://www.gameskidsplay.net/

Sat Morning Smiles

http://www.davesite.com/webstation/html/taglist.shtml
http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/spyware/software/default.mspx
http://community-2.webtv.net/PoorBoyInc/PoorBoysbrWebTVHelp/

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee. The student struck a deal saying 'I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court.' Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, student reminded the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for them- selves. The teacher put forward his argument saying: "If I win this case, as per the court of law, student has to pay me. And if I lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money." Equally brilliant student argued back saying: "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything!" This is one of law's greatest paradox.
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A prominent Wall Street tycoon, Carmine Intervocalic, wants to hire an MIT C.S. graduate student to program the ultimate financial advisor expert system. It turns out that MIT is too expensive, so instead Carmine gets an undergraduate in applied math from the University of California at Hollywood. After months of programming and millions of dollars of research, the programming is finally done, and Carmine proudly calls up his new toy. Instantly on the screen: -> Bank Street Advisor: Ready. Enter command. Carmine (who learned his programming from TV movie spy thrillers) types in: -> Request: Bank Street Advisor, compute the secret to success on stock market. The reply is instantaneous. Crackling on the neon green of the screen is one ominous flashing word: 'working'. Carmine is nervous. He paces around. Nothing's happening. Waits more. Hum. Nothing's happening. Waits still more; nothing. To take his mind off of the wait, Carmine does some business work: Evicting widows and orphans, and so forth. Well, to make a long story short (too late already), days pass and, still, all that's on the screen is "working." The program's sucking in data at a hideous rate, but still no answer. Carmine's frazzled, and his stocks are plummeting; he's forced to sell! sell! sell! Carmine is almost broke when finally the answer comes up: -> Bank Street Writer: Answer computed. Hit space bar. -> Buy Low. Sell high. Carmine's not amused (probably neither are you). In desperation, he types in: -> Request: Bank Street Advisor, I need financial advice. What is the best financial advice you can give me? How can i stop wasting money? The answer's fast: -> Sell the computer. Carmine is plucking out his hair in frenzy. But he realizes that all he has to do is phrase his requests correctly. -> Request: How can I predict which stocks will go up in value? Curiously, the answer doesn't take long: -> Make predictions while floating submerged in fizzy apple juice. Carmine tries it, and it works. "It works?" his advisors ask. "Yeah, it works. What, haven't you heard of in-cider trading?"
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The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90 year old man. When she returned to her daughters house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!!!"
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My Dad has a sure way to keep my Mom from buying an outfit... When she tries it on, he says, "I love that middle-aged look it gives you."
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A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."
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Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden. Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests?
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A middle aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking." The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"
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There is a story about two fellows who died at ripe old ages and went on to Heaven. It was, of course, the most beautiful, wonderful place imaginable. One of them, eyes misting with tears, remarked, "Isn't this marvelous?" The other said, "Yes! And to think we could have gotten here so much sooner if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran!"
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Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. We used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso to allow for storage in a carrying case. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
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There are over 1,000,000 swimming pools in Florida, even though the ocean is no farther than 80 miles away from most parts of central Florida.
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In August 1999, Lori Lynn Lomeli set a record by spinning 82 Hula Hoops at the same time for three full revolutions.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
In 1942 the Jello company introduced Cola flavored jello, which only lasted a year.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
It has been medically been proven that laughter is an effective pain killer.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Soap Operas are so called because they were originally used to advertise soap powder. In America in the early days of TV, advertisers would write stories around the use of their soap powder.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
I'm going to live forever, or die trying.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Insanity is making the same mistakes over and over and thinking you are going to get different results.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
I bought a new camouflage vest at Walmart, hung it in the closet, and now I can't find it. --Lawrence
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
If you'll come to my funeral I'll go to yours. --Lawrence
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
If Superman and Mighty Mouse got into a fight, we know Mighty Mouse would win because Superman is only a cartoon character. --Lawrence
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Winter isn't cold, it's heat challenged. --Emily Rose
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could to play. "Sure," said the Pro, " But what's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman,"But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone." "No, it's very important for us to know," said the pro who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16." The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you." After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy. The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you shoot it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Eye-T a l i a n
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said - TO NY.
You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry every time you think about when your mother yelled at you.
You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.
You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or on the same block. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when . . . . Your grandfather had a fig tree.
You eat Sunday dinner at 1:00 or 2:00 .
Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
Your mom's meatballs are the best.
You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
Clear plastic covers on all the furniture.
You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."
You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."
You've called someone a "mamaluke" or a "bacigalupe" And you understand "bada bing, bada bang".
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
A man was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he was finally discovered, another worker was able to open the door, but with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, a worker noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!" "Don't worry," he replied, "Maintenance should be sending somebody shortly."
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
I was flying between Maui and Oahu. It's only a 30 minute flight and so, to save money, I flew with a small airline in a little, twin-engine plane. About eight minutes into the flight the pilot announced that we were going to have to turn back due to some engine trouble. The nervous passenger I was seated next to turned to me and said, "Oh-h-h m-m-my G-g-god. If we l-l-loose an engine, how f-f-far d-d-do you think the other o-o-one will t-t-take us?" I told him, "One engine? Oh, I'm sure it'll take us all the way to the scene of the crash. Hell, we'll probably make good time too. I bet we beat the paramedics there by at least a half hour!"
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~

chuckle

If you love salmon the way I do, raw (Sushi), lox (smoked), poached, grilled, barbecued, in salads, then you might be interested in how salmon spawn. As you may know, they swim upstream. In fact, before they became threatened as a species, one could go salmon fishing during the salmon runs. My dad used to do that every year and we were the happy beneficiaries of the ease with which he could catch them. Well, that vulnerability turned out to be an error in calculation on the part of the salmon. You see, once upon a time, salmon used to only swim upstream during night hours. At night, they could not be seen as well. However, one particularly observant salmon noticed that most creatures, including the fishes' greatest enemies, fisher birds, slept at night and hunted during the day. So, the Salmon Council was drawn together and this particularly observant fish presented his observations. It was decided, on the basis of this very persuasive argument, to call a vote to decide whether the salmon should rest during the day, as they always had, or rest at night. You can guess what happened. When the presiding fish asked, "When should we rest?" salmon chanted, "evening."
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Topical Joke I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call." "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded hot. "Hi, I hear you give a great mass*ge and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s8x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking k*nky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 9."
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she accepts. After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning of the weekend it was a blessing to have sex." They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath. There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night." Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it." Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?" "Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
A guy goes to Vegas and gambles his first day away. He does really good! So, he decides to hire a hooker. He stops at a street corner and picks up the first hooker he finds, and takes the hooker back to his hotel room. He gets up there, and says, "I want a blow job." The hooker looks at him and says, "That'll be $350." The guy is floored. "$350! Why so expensive?!" The hooker says, "Look out the window into the parking lot. You see that BMW? I paid cash for that because I give the best BJ's in town!" So the guy pays, and he is not disappointed. The next day he gambles again, and makes even more money. He is so excited that he spends the rest of the afternoon looking for the same hooker. After locating the hooker, he goes back to the hotel room. "Tonight I want to go Greek," he informs the hooker. The hooker says, "That'll be $800." The guy is floored again. "$800! Why so expensive?!" The hooker says, "Look out the window. You see that high rise penthouse? I paid cash for that because I have the best ass in town." So the guy pays and he is not disappointed. The next day he does really well again at gambling. So he gets the same hooker back in his hotel room. "Tonight, I want straight up pussy." The hooker says, "Look out that window. Do you see that mini-mall?" The guy says, "Oh, let me guess. You own that too?" The hooker says, "Nope. But I would if I had a pussy."
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
There once was a lady who would purchase three cases of dog food every week at the grocery store. The same cashier would ring up her purchases every week. The cashier finally couldn't stand it any more, so he asked the lady the reason for buying so much dog food. The lady said,"Well, since food is so expensive, I just figured that the dog food would be just as good and a lot cheaper. I just make meatloaves, meat balls, and whatever for my husband and myself." The cashier was stunned. He asked her if her husband realized what he was eating and she said that her husband didn't have a clue as to what she used to make dinner. Well, several weeks went by and the lady had not been in the store for a long time when she went through the cashier's line. He noticed that she didn't buy any dog food this time. Curiosity got the best of him, so he asked her why the change in purchases. She said, "My poor husband died a couple of months ago, so I didn't need to buy anymore dog food." The cashier offered his condolences and asked, "Do you mind me asking what he died from?" She said, "Heavens no! He was sitting on the couch licking his balls and fell off and broke his neck."
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father. "Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly." "I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue." A 30-year-old man and woman are lying in bed after making love. The woman lays on her side of the bed and rests. The man goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The woman overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait and give the woman I love my virginity." Astounded, the woman replies, "So you really love me?" "No," the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."
Q:What do you call a sheep that runs around with forty thieves?
A:Ali Baa Baa
Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. "Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
Three little ducks go into a Bar "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
~~~#~~~#~~~#~~~#~~
"You are suffering form what is technically known as an 'Electra Complex'," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father." The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing. "Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad." "Yes..(sniff)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

Help

The following is an email from My daughter. She is in some bussiness courses in a local college. She sent me this email and asked for help. I thought perhaps if I posted this I might be able to give her several thoughts one it for the paper and speech she has to write. Any Helpers out there. I guess perhaps we did her an injustice rearing her as a conserative Christian when it comes to school. Any emails I will send to her straight away


Can you help me figure out what the author is talking
about. I have to write a report and make a speech
over this article, and I don't understand some of it.
Please and thank you thank you thank you
Love you...


Wal-Mart Uber Alles - detailed analysis of Wal-Mart's
labor policies and its effect on small business, small
communities
American Demographics, Oct 1, 2003 by Matthew Grimm
new

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it again with Furl.net. It's free! Save it.
Byline: Matthew Grimm
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan introduced the Genesis
Device, a mechanism conceived to "terraform" lifeless
planets. In the wrong hands, if used on those where
life already existed, it posed world-shaking
destructive power. Here on Earth, a certain
Bentonville, Ark., retailer wields a similar
transmutative power. Although the evil Khan doesn't
have hold of it, many see it as just as dangerous a
double-edged sword hanging over our economy.
Wal-Mart is America's favorite store and, among
detractors, its most reviled corporation. It is the
new downtown, staffed with smiling faces and stocked
with items at the best prices. Critics, meanwhile,
allege it's a labor nightmare, bilking workers of due
overtime pay, firing employees for discussing
unionization, discriminating against female staffers
and paving over America's small business foundations.
Wal-Mart creates 1 in every 20 new jobs in the U.S.
and opens a new outlet about every 42 hours, and, by
one estimate, sees organized citizen opposition to 1
in 3 proposed new stores. A $244 billion business
employing 1.3 million people, operating 3,000-plus
stores in the U.S. and a thousand abroad, now
accounting for $1 in every $5 spent on groceries,
named by Fortune the corporate community's "most
admired" company early this year - the Earth has never
seen an entity of such leviathan proportions that it
can reshape our economic landscape at will.
The company has undertaken its first market research
program, presumably to come to grips with
proliferating pockets of resistance, which have fought
hundreds of proposed stores nationwide. Testimonial TV
spots have addressed some of the points on its
detractors' litany, including one featuring a female
district manager discussing how being part of the
Wal-Mart family helps her take care of her own -
seemingly an answer to a pending class-action gender
discrimination suit filed in California. Wal-Mart
declined to comment for this story, but the company is
hard-pressed to address the real crux of the
anti-Wal-Mart movement. That is, the business
practices that have made it so admired are unraveling
the fabric of an already ravaged economy.
Continue article
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It may seem like much ado about something seemingly
innocuous: a general merchandise store, whose
popularity is decided by 138 million American
shoppers, not to mention city fathers eager to rezone
Wal-Mart into their outskirts. Then there's Al Norman,
founder of Sprawl-Busters, based in Greenfield, Mass.,
who has tracked nearly 200 municipalities that have
successfully fended off mega retail development. Since
spearheading a fight to keep Wal-Mart out of
Greenfield, he has seen a snowballing effect, as many
as three to four calls a day, of grass roots groups
seeking his counsel.
"Most municipal administrators are lay people, they
just think that getting a Wal-Mart is sort of a retail
equivalent of shaking hands with Elvis," Norman says.
"They can't distinguish between industrial
development, which by-and-large is added value, versus
retail development, which adds no value. The developer
comes to town and pays for all studies to convince the
town that they're from Lake Woebegon. But independent
impact studies would completely turn development in
this country on its head."
A growing body of economic impact research contradicts
the developers' rosy win-win scenarios. Kenneth Stone,
an economics professor at Iowa State University, has
tallied 53 types of businesses with which Wal-Mart
competes, and has tracked a startling swath of
destruction.
Stone pioneered research on the Wal-Mart factor in
Iowa cities with populations of 5,000 to 40,000,
tracking sales from as early as 1983, and more
recently examined the Supercenter onslaught in
Mississipi. In his 1997 study, "Impact of the Wal-Mart
Phenomenon on Rural Communites," Stone found that
between 1983 and 1996, the average Iowan spent 42
percent more in "department stores," (qualified as
"primarily" mass merchants) than in 1983. In men's
clothing stores alone, consumer spending eroded by 59
percent in the same period, resulting in the
shuttering of 60 percent of these businesses. And,
though host communities did see some general growth in
transactions overall in the years after Wal-Mart's
arrival, 10 years later, host towns lost an average of
4 percent of total sales, some towns of less than
5,000 losing half their retail trade. And, due to the
magnet effect of Wal-Mart, sales transactions in
neighboring towns declined 15 percent.
"Obviously there's a zero-sum game involved here,"
says Stone. "If you plop down a 200,000 square foot
Supercenter someplace like Ankeny, Iowa (population
27,000), and are expecting your average $75- to $80
million a year in sales, that money doesn't come out
of thin air. It comes from somewhere else."
Wal-Mart proponents invariably cite the "democracy of
the marketplace," that a company that serves customers
better deserves their business more. The logic might
work were all things equal, but they're not. One hitch
often glossed over is that many municipal
administrations are so gung-ho for "economic
development" that they defer local taxes and
disproportionately subsidize new projects as opposed
to reinvesting in existing businesses and
infrastructure, according to an exhaustive analysis of
"mega retail" chains by Edward Shils, professor
emeritus at the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton
School.
"Many of the development packages provide that a new
'Big Box' will be able to retain all sales taxes
collected for a given number of years in order to help
finance the construction and debt costs of the new
facility," Shils stated in a 1997 report. "When this
happens the local government and the school districts
which depend on sales and real estate tax revenues
find themselves in desperate financial condition since
the small retailers which have been displaced are not
providing revenues and sales tax to the schools and
property and real estate taxes to the community."
Not only are the profits winging off to Bentonville,
but the labor that earns them isn't even building up a
healthy tax base for the local community. Various
economic impact studies obtained for this story have
found that, for every Wal-Mart hire in a new town, it
destroys about 1.5 jobs at competing businesses.
Further, per its standing policy that a "full-time"
job is a 28-hour work-week, the median income of a
Wal-Mart employee stands at around $12,000 a year,
less than half the national median, according to the
National Labor Committee.
Even should workers seek redress, Wal-Mart wields so
much clout that the company can simply change the
rules of the game. More than 200 major corporations,
at the retailer's bidding, have opened offices in
Bentonville to better "service the account." Recently,
when meat cutters at its Jacksonville, Texas,
Supercenter voted to join the national union, the
company - whose view of labor mirrors that of JP
Morgan - went to meat vendor IBP and demanded
"case-ready" meat, i.e. cut and packaged before
shipping, thus circumventing meat cutters across all
of its Supercenters.
For Wall Street, all this reads as "efficiency,"
something its denizens slaver over. At Main Street
level, however, a Genesis effect is happening, wherein
for all the gee-whiz buzz over big boxes, commerce is
bulldozed until cities are transmuted into mere
colonies of mega corporations. Consumers might live a
few cents cheaper in the short run, but as Stone wrote
after his first study in 1988, "The money a Wal-Mart
drains from the community won't come back; it isn't in
the hands of local people who might invest it back in
the community. Then you lose a sense of community
loyalty, that small town atmosphere, and you are in
danger of becoming a bedroom community. You don't have
business and civic leaders; you have transient
managers."
If Wal-Mart's labor policies seem regressive, the
longer-term worst-case scenario may be even more
anachronistic: communities whose fortunes are
dangerously dependent on a single corporate entity,
owing our souls, as it were, to the "company store."
COPYRIGHT 2003 Copyright by Media Central Inc., A
PRIMEDIA Company. All rights reserved.
COPYRIGHT 2003 Gale Group

(R)ated Giggle

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
"How NOT To Rob Banks" Pick The Right Bank: You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. Study Your History: Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried it again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar in Minnesota. Speak To The Right Teller: One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. Don't Sign Your Demand Note: Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh ... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's name and account number. Don't Advertise: A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks. Go Easy On The Disguise: One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. Take Right Turns Only: Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. Be Aware Of The Time: Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived. Consider Another Line Of Work: Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Be Strong: Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

@>`~~~~>,~~~
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!" Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Weird Fact The chocolate chip cookie was invented in 1933.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed - Freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist - card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 Hot shower [alone]
22:50 Carried to bed...[Freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen]
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms and
@>`~~~~>,~~~
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm 6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast - rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club [Blow job en-route]
9:45 Play front nine [2 under]
11:45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine [4 under]
14:15 Limo back to airport 14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew [all nude]
16:30 Land world record Marlin [1234lbs] on light tackle
17:00 Fly home - massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
18:45 Shit, shower, shave
19:00 Watch news - Brad Pitt assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised
19:30 Dinner - Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon, big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits
21:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day
21:30 Sex with three women [all with lesbian tendencies]
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and cleansing ale
23:30 Night cap blow job
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
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Bizarre Things You Didn't Know About the U.S. Presidents

In warm weather, 6th president of the United States John Quincy Adams customarily went skinny-dipping in the Potomac River before dawn.

9th U.S. president William Henry Harrison was inaugurated on a bitterly cold day and gave the longest inauguration speech ever. The new president promptly caught a cold that soon developed into pneumonia. Harrison died exactly one month into his presidential term, the shortest in U.S. history.

John Tyler, 10th U.S. president, fathered 15 children (more than any other president)--8 by his first wife, and 7 by his second wife. Tyler was past his seventieth birthday when his 15th child was born.

Sedated only by brandy, 11th president of the United States James Polk survived gall bladder surgery at the age of 17.

Often depicted wearing a tall black stovepipe hat, 16th president of the United States Abraham Lincoln carried lett- ers, bills, and notes in his hat.

17th U.S. president Andrew Johnson never attended school. His future wife, Eliza McCardle, taught him to write at the age of 17. (Bonus fact about Andrew Johnson: He only wore suits that he custom-tailored himself.)

Both ambidextrous and multilingual, 20th president of the United States James Garfield could write Greek with one hand while writing Latin with the other.

The teddy bear derived from 26th U.S. president Theodore ("Teddy") Roosevelt's refusal to shoot a bear with her cub while on a hunting trip in Mississippi.

Warren Harding, 29th U.S. president, played poker at least twice a week, and once gambled away an entire set of White House china. His advisors were nicknamed the "Poker Cabinet" because they joined the president in his poker.

The letter "S" comprises the full middle name of the 33rd president, Harry S. Truman. It represents two of his grand- fathers, whose names both had "S" in them.

George W. Bush, 43rd president of the United States, and his wife Laura got married just three months after meeting each other.
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One day little Johnny was REALLY bothering his mom. She told him to go across the street and watch the people who were building a house there. She told him to stay out of their way, but to try and learn something as well. The morning passed in blissful peace for Johnny's mother until lunchtime when she called him home. Mom asked, "What did you learn over there dear?" Johnny looked his mom in the eye and said," Well this fucking door is never going to close because the dickhead that framed it had his head up his ass." Mom was quite shocked to say the least. She sent Johnny to his room for the rest of the day with the words,"Just you WAIT till your father gets home young man!" ringing in his ears. Dad came home in time and went to see Johnny in his room. "Well Johnny, your mom says you've been busy today, what did you learn?" Johnny looked his dad in the eye and said," Well this fucking door is never going to close because the dickhead that framed it had his head up his ass." Johnny's dad got furious. After his face turned back to red from purple he said, "Johnny, you DON'T use language like that in my house!!! Now go cut me a switch so I can help you remember that!" Johnny again looked his dad in the eye and said,"Fuck you buddy, you want a switch call an electrician!"
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Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack. Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel. One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena. Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer. "Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?" "Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer. "Don't worry about it. It happens to all men." "But I don't like it!" cried Jack. "Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me." The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfulls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed. "What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel. "Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down." "That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?" So he did. Both handfulls.
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A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday and always ended up fucking everybody around. Their holes were played until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her mother, "Mum, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my hole?!!" Mother said, "Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it will be tight and he won't even notice it." So the daughter did what her mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband didn't even notice. This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, "Honey, thanks for the apple. It tasted great!" Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her husband about it and went to consult her mother, "Mum, I'm in deep shit now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and ate it! What sould I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared, mum." Mother said, "Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!"
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Your mama is like a joint, everbody gets a hit

A woman was complaining about how the time of the month made her hungry. "I have the munchies, so it must be hormonal." A man overhearing her said, "that's funny," usually when I have the munchies, its uasally home-grown-.

Last week I bought a bag I thought was sinsimilla, but instead it was seeds a million.

Your mind is like a parachute: it works better when its high.

I quit smoking pot once....it was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

You know your a stoner if your bong gets washed more than your dishes

You know you are really high when:
1. It takes an hour to cook minute rice.
2. You sell your car for gas money.
3. You think a quarterback is a refund.
4. Your friend takes a hit and says, that stone got me really hit.

Q. What do you call a cop with an ounce of primo Pot?
A. The fucking cop who busted me.
Q. Did you herar they're gonna make the Dallas Cowboys start playing on a natural turf?
A. Yah! they're already snorting all the lines and smoking all the grass.
A hippy was seen crawling down some railway tracks. When asked if there was a problem, he said, yeah man, can you help me off this ladder.
Q. Which end of the joint should one light?
A. The end thats not in your mouth.
Q. How is the Ohio State Buckeyes and marijuana the same?
A. They both get smoked in bowls.
Q. What do you do if a stoner throws a hand grenade at you?
A. Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q. How do you stop an army of stoners on horseback?
A. Turn off the carousel.
Q. What do potheads catch when they go fishing?
A. Red-eyes and cottonmouth. Q. Whats the difference between a bong for breakfast and anal sex? A. One makes your day, but the other makes your hole weak.
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It was their 50th wedding anniversary and the elderly couple, in their 70's, decided to relive the honeymoon . When they arrived at the hotel where they had stayed that first night they found the lobby full of people. They made there way up to the desk and were informed that there was a convention in town. Luckily they had made a reservation in advance requesting the same room. They went up to the room, unpacked, then went down into the dining room and had a fine meal, ordering the same food and wine and after dining returned to their room. The husband, as he had done before, ordered champagne from room service. As they were preparing for bed the wife, slightly intoxicated said, "Honey, remember our first night? You stood by the door, I stood over by the window, and we ran to each other and I jumped up right into your arms." "How can I forget," he said, "you looked so beautiful." "Let's do it that way again." "No way," he said, "we're to old for that foolishness now," "Nonsense." she replied, backing up to the door. "O.K." he said, "why not?" They took off all their clothes, she hollered go, and they ran at each other. and missed. She hit the door with a bang, and he went flying out the window. As luck would have it, the room was only on the second floor and the old man landed in a dumpster full of cardboard boxes. He was shaken up a bit, but unhurt. He began looking around to see what he could find to cover himself with. There was nothing. Just then a bellhop came around the corner. He called him over and asked him to get a robe or a towel, anything so he could get back to his room. The bellhop said, 'Come with me now and I'll take you through the lobby." "The lobby!" he said, "It's crowded with people and I'm naked." "No problem," said the bellhop, there's no one in the lobby. If we hurry no one will see you." The old man said, "Where did all the people go?" The bellhop answered, "Oh, there all up on the second floor watching the hotel doctor try to pry some old lady off a doorknob
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A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate: in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating. Teacher said, "well, that was good, but I wanted you to use just the word "fascinate". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was "fascinated". Teacher said, "well, that was also good, Sally, but I am looking for only the word "fascinate." Pepito raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Pepito was still learning English. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Pepito said, "my seester has a sweater with ten buttons, pero her chichis are so freaking beeg, she can only fasten eight.
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A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!"
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he gets hit by a nuclear submarine.
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If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.
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A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in his country there are 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. A gent from Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's amazing. Where I come from there's only one way." "Just one?" Abdul asked. "And which way is that?" "Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman--" "Praise Allah!!" exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"
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They say..."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
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Q. If having your appendix out is an appendectomy and having your tonsils out is called a tonsillectomy.. What do you call a woman having a sex change? A. A Giveadictomy.
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A man has been told by his wife that he is not to go golfing. The man determined to golfing gets up early one morning and leaves with his friends to play golf. When he gets back his wife's waiting for him and yells at him for disobeying. The man says, 'Harry died today.' The woman says sorry for his lousy day. The man replies, 'Thanks, it was lousy, it was shoot, drag Harry, shoot, drag Harry, all day!'
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Q: What's the definition of skyjacking? A: A hand job at 32,000 feet.
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John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."
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One day I took my 6-year-old son with me to visit a friend at work. Everyone there knew me, and I was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees went to make more coffee, my son followed her and asked, "What are you doing?" "I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered. Imagine my shock when I heard my son say, "Wow! You know how to make beer?"
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Here ya go giggles and stuff

Links for fun.
http://justjigsawpuzzles.com/
http://www.boomspeed.com/ltah/midis.html
http://community-2.webtv.net/Snowwhite495/doc11/index.html
http://www.tvland.com/awards2006/vote/
http://harlick.com/galleries/historical01.php
http://theimaginaryworld.com/groceryA1.html

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I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat." Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!" The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail."
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A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done. Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!" Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
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Three guys, one smart, one average, and one a bit dim, have begun a 40-mile hike home when they come upon a bush with an owl sitting atop it. To their surprise, the owl speaks. "Weary Travelers," he says, "I will give you each one wish." The smart one says, "I want to be home and rich beyond my dreams." "Wish granted!" says the owl. The average man says, "I want to be home and married to the most beautiful girl in the world." "Wish granted!" says the owl. The dim guy looks around and feels lonely. "I wish my friends were back," he says.
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Two older women ( we'll call them A & B ) who were rivals in a social circle met at a party. "My dear," said Lady "A" "Are those real pearls?" "They are," replied Lady "B" "Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them." Smiled Lady "A" Lady "B" responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."
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Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
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A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
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At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"
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My son Earl is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches. Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading, 9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.
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Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become stuck in a frozen lake. A rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards --and the flock flew off! The men were left staring at open water. Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?" The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
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Sign posted in the Army recruiting office: "Marry a veteran, Girls. He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders."
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There was a man who wanted to buy his wife a gift. He thought and he decided that he'd buy her a parrot because she always told him that she's alone while he is at work and a pet would be nice. He went to a pet shop and found there a lot of beautiful parrots. But he wanted the most beautiful. So he looked around, and saw a wonderful blue and yellow feathered parrot. He asked about the price. "10,000 dollars," the salesperson said. "10,000 dollars is a lot of money. Why is this bird so terribly expensive?" "Besides his uncommon beauty, he can speak in three foreign languages, he can answer the phone and send a fax," the salesperson replies. "Ok," said our man, looking around for another one. And there it was. With red and orange feathers, and speaking some language to a parrot in the next cage. "What about that one," the shopper asked. "Oh, that one is 25,000 dollars." "Wow!" says our man. "What is this one good for!" "Again, besides his uncommon beauty, he can speak in seven foreign languages, among which are included Old Greek, he can answer the phone and send a fax, he can use a washing machine, and he can easily learn how to use a lot of the electronic equipment in your home," the answer comes. "Ok," says our man and he starts looking around for a not so beautiful parrot. He finds a gray feathered one in a corner and says, "How about this one?" "Sir, this one is $50,000 dollars." "Incredible! What on earth makes this one so valuable?" he asks astonished. "Nothing sir, except that all the others keep calling him boss."
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Danny took his Social Security check to the bank for deposit. As he stood and waited in the long line, he inadvertently began to nervously fold and unfold his check. When it finally came his turn at the teller's window, he handed the girl his ruffled check. She practically scolded him saying, "Sir, can't you read this check? It says, 'Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate.'" "So?" replied Danny. "Well," said the teller, "You shouldn't do that. The government doesn't like it." That's when Danny looked her straight in the eye and replied, "Well, the government does a lot of things I don't like, too!"