FBI searches congressman’s office

FBI searches congressman’s office
La. Democrat Jefferson under
investigation in bribery probe

MSNBC News Services
Updated: 14 minutes ago
WASHINGTON - FBI agents searched the congressional office of Rep. William Jefferson of Louisiana Saturday evening in connection with a public corruption investigation that has already netted two guilty pleas by two associates, authorities said.

The search began at 7:15 p.m. EDT in the Rayburn House Office Building, where Jefferson’s office is located, said Debra Weierman, an FBI spokeswoman.
It was not clear what agents were looking for and Weierman said she could provide no additional details because the affidavit supporting the search warrant was sealed.

But she indicated the search could take several hours.

A U.S. government official with knowledge of the investigation told NBC News that the FBI secretly videotaped Jefferson.
http://tinyurl.com/khe2h

Well what do ya think. I think he is one dirty bastard.

A giggle or two

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, as I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."
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The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent plea for her client. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that is good: he never beat his mother; he was always kind to little children; he never did a dishonest thing in his life; he has always lived by the golden rule; he is a model of everything decent, forthright, and honest. Everyone loves him and..." Her client leaned over to the attorney's assistant and said, "How do you like that babe? I pay her good dough to defend me, and she's telling the jury about some other guy!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#-
The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked. "A universal solvent," explained the son, " a solvent that'll dissolve anything." The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Cab ride
Margaret had to grab a cab to get to a meeting uptown. She hailed one down, got in and told the cabbie the address to go to. The cabbie turned out to be a lunatic driver and Margaret sat in the back seat clutching the door handle wondering if she could expect to survive this trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded NYC streets, weaving in and out of traffic. Margaret watched as one pedestrian after another leapt aside to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. Margaret looked ahead and saw a truck double parked on the narrow street. Not only did the driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver," Margaret screamed, "Are you crazy?? Are you trying to get us both killed?" "Relax lady," he said. "Just do what I do. Close your eyes."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop." Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead." "And this is my pole," he said. My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain." And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family. The sauce was the highlight of the evenings topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead. As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, "Oh my God, it's the mushroom sauce!" We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience. We we got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and licking her newborn kittens.
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Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during this exam were
quite
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made
by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all . . .
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"

Saturday*Evening*Posts

FIVE KINDS OF SEX
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey- moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F*ck you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised. "Well, then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door," the man said. She did. He then said, "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead... take it out...," he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it...and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said... "Hello, Mom can you hear me?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

FOUR CATHOLIC MOTHERS were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies. She wants more and they do it once again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself." While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've made love to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What are you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Do you know that the average American works until lunchtime
every day just to pay his federal, state and local taxes?
So if you are going to fool around at work, do it in the
morning on the government's time.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The Law
Aubrey Meek was brought before the court on the charge of
refusing to obey a police officer. "Why did you refuse to move
on when asked to do so by the officer?" the judge inquired,
obviously wondering what unexplained force could have given such
a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.
"It's like this, your honor," explained Meek. "My wife said I was to meet her at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and I was forced to choose between man's law and wife's law."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Nudist Colony
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A real exchange, while I was mixing drinks for me and my wife:

Her: You're trying to get me drunk so you can take me to bed, aren't you?

Me: I don't need to get you drunk to take you to bed.

Her: Are you calling me easy????

Me: No, just cooperative.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER

She married and had 12 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

dirty saturday

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie ....

~ "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
~ "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"
~ "Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular
dodecagon!"
~ "Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's
three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and
two starches."
~ "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless
reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for
a more intuitive solution."
~ "Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use
the little boys' room."
~ "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from
Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
~ "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the
left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
~ "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who
shot my therapist!"
~ "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good
coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me ...
what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance
a jig or two?"
~ "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with
a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
~ "You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell
Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
~ "He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon
he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
~ " Two fisted real men don't wanna get married...unless
they miss their Mommy's."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q and A
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Hallmark cards

Things you won't read on Hallmark cards

FRONT: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

FRONT: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your friend.

FRONT: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this
knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

FRONT: I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

FRONT: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.

FRONT: Looking back over the years that we've been
together, I can't help but wonder:
INSIDE: What the f___k was I thinking?

FRONT: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well
respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so
damn ugly.

FRONT: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough
to admit it.

FRONT: When we were together, you always said you'd
die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you
kept your promise.

FRONT: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since
I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister,
you cheating bastard!

FRONT: We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.

FRONT: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.

FRONT: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.

FRONT: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was



HydroElectric Power~How it Works
http://wwwga.usgs.gov/edu/hyhowworks.html

Area 51 Military Base Directory
http://www.area51zone.com/

The ANSI Character Set
http://www.fingertipsoft.com/3dkbd/ansichart.html

CodeAve.com
http://www.codeave.com/

nav panels
http://www.geocities.com/Nashville/Opry/9574/navpanels/nav.html

Down -N-Dirty Saturday Snickers

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
After noticing a beautiful young blonde sitting on her own in a pub, a suave, sophisticated young man confidently strolled over to the table where she was sat and said: "What can I get you, gorgeous?" The woman blushed and replied: "If you're sure you don't mind, I'll have a large stiff one, please." The man smiled, casually leaned over the table, and whispered into the woman's ear: "Would that be before or after I've got the drinks?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities and some perhaps
not so good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should
remember his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove
that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making
harsh judgment of a person just because he happens to be a
dirty, rotten, no-good son-of-a-bitch."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
While driving on the West-bound I-10 from Baton Rouge to New Orleans, my friends and I saw a couple of small signs every few miles. They read: "PMS Test Site." I still don't know what they were supposed to mean, but we've had plenty of speculation.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70s appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?" She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly. When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "who is it?" The man says, "It's the decorator." The parrot says "who is it?" The man says "It's the decorator." The parrot says "Who is it?" The man says "It's the decorator!!!" The parrot says "who is it?" The man screams "The decorator!" The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot. The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch. She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?" The parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Groaner
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes; a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
If you want to make people angry, lie.

If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for
a "cigarette break".

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain
Bringdown".

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours,
take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying.
"Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

3. You smoke during sex.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys".

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you
were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.

Some Old & Some New Saturday Morning Mess

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A young buck went into a large store for a packet of rubbers. "Have you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got red ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few other different colors." "I'll try the lot," said the young man adventurously. Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The same assistant served them asking, "What bust, madam?" "The blue one," The young man said sadly.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
After the Sundays game, Norman figured he better spend some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says Todd. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute warning."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A pig farmer in Alabama was trying to get his pigs to breed, with no success. Every morning, he'd run outside to the barn and perform a pregnancy test on the female pigs. Everyday, the results were negative. The farmer was baffled. One day, he called the local vet and asked for some advice. The farmer explained that he couldn't get his pigs to mate. The vet replied, "Try artificial insemination." "What's that?" the farmer asked. The veterinarian said, "It just means if you can't get your pigs to mate, you'll have to do it for them." So the next day the farmer rounded his pigs into the back of his pickup and headed into the woods. Soon he stopped, and one by one he shagged each of the pigs. Later that week, the farmer checked the pigs. None of them were pregnant! So the farmer took the pigs out again and shagged them really good. After days of this, with no pregnant pigs, the farmer gave up. One morning as he went to feed the pigs, he arrived to find that the pigs were all missing! He ran back inside the house and shouted, "Wife! The pigs are gone!" His wife replied, "Honey you're not going to believe this, but all of your pigs are sitting in your pickup, and one of them is honking the horn."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome Buffalo came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right. Buffalo handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked Buffalo. "I don't," replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The
puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a
malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a
rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew
anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief
replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were
shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We
ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate
their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..
you know...eat their...'things'??" The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.

The first one says, "Oh, three fingers."

The second says, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!"

The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a
malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a
rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew
anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief
replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were
shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We
ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate
their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..
you know...eat their...'things'??" The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Joe, a guy traveling through Mexico on vacation,
Lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way
Home but is stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day.
No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture
Of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush
On the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent replies, "I recognized Ted Kennedy in the middle."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q. How do Scotsmen find sheep in tall grass?
A. Apparently - very satisfying...
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Hey, you heard about the new Italian Tires?

Dago round.
Dago through mud.
Dago through snow.
Dago everywhere.
And when Dago flat, Dago
Wop, Wop, Wop...

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Ways You Can Tell When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease.....

~ Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
~ Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
~ Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
~ She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
~ You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of
Chicago.
~ Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
~ Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a
horse trapped in a cow's body.
~ Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
~ Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.

Think About

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's:

These are interesting...

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children, last of all the babies. By then the water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small
animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying
"It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real
problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice
clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded
some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the
saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the
winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it
would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate
mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner,
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme,
"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors
came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that
a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused
some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened
most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years orso, tomatoes were considered
poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf,
the family got the middle, and guests got the top or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock
the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them
for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a
couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see
if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury
people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and
reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up
through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be
"saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! !

Trivia For Today

Friday's Trivia

1152

Eleanor, duchess of Aquitaine and recently divorced from King Louis VII of France, married Henry Plantagenet (later Henry II of England) at Poitiers.

1798

The first Secretary of the U.S. Navy was appointed. He was Benjamin Stoddert.

1803

Britain declared war on France after Napoleon Bonaparte continued his interference in Italy and Switzerland.

1860

Abraham Lincoln of Springfield, Illinois, was nominated for the U.S. Presidency by Republican Party leaders at a meeting in Chicago.

1912

Since baseball great Ty Cobb had been suspended from playing the game, Hugh Jennings, manager of the Detroit Tigers, gave way to Cobb’s teammates who said they wouldn’t play unless Cobb was allowed to suit up and play, too. So, with the Tigers off the field for the day, Jennings hired the baseball team from nearby St. Joseph’s College to play in place of the Tigers! St. Joseph’s pitcher, Aloysius Travers, was pounded by the Philadelphia Athletics 24-2. Travers gave up all 24 runs - a single-game record.

1927

Grauman's Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard was opened, the first of the Fox chain of movie theaters. The lavish 2,200 seat theater cost $1 million to build. Its first film was shown on this date, Cecil B. DeMille's King of Kings, at the high price of $2.00 per seat. It was later renamed Mann's Chinese Theater.

1957

Jockey Eddie Arcaro rode Bold Ruler to the winner’s circle in the Preakness Stakes in Maryland.

1968

Tiny Tim’s warbly "Tiptoe through the Tulips" was released. An eventual top twenty hit, "Tiptoe" was a remake of a number one hit for Nick Lucas in 1929.

1974

"The Streak" started a 3-week run at number one on the "Billboard" pop music chart. The novelty tune by Ray Stevens was about people running nekkid where they shouldn’t be nekkid, like, in public. It was the second number one hit for the comedian who made numerous appearances on Andy Williams’ TV show in the late 1960s, as well as his own show in the summer of 1970. His first number one hit, just prior to "The Streak", was "Everything is Beautiful". Both songs won gold records, as did his comedic "Gitarzan", a top ten hit in 1969. Stevens has been the top novelty recording artist of the past three decades.

1992

The CBS season finale of TV sitcom Murphy Brown aired, with the title character, played by Emmy-winner Candice Bergen, giving birth to an illegitimate son. Vice President Dan Quayle publicly lambasted the comedy, saying that the program "glorified" single-parenthood, and that it made a mockery of families with fathers. He went on to comment that "Murphy Brown" lacked the judgement to be a proper role model for young women, and that her actions were immoral. Despite the national unpopularity of his criticisms, Quayle did not back down from his stand against the popular show, providing fodder for many stand-up comics.

1998

Sammy Sosa recorded his 22nd career multi-homer game vs. San Francisco. His first homer that day (off Shawn Estes) was his 150th as a member of the Chicago Cubs.



Saturday's Trivia

1501

The Portuguese discovered an island in the south Atlantic on Ascension Day and named it Ascension Island.

1830

The first timetables of the Baltimore and Ohio (B&O) Railroad were published in the "Baltimore American" newspaper.

1867

In London, Queen Victoria laid the foundation stone of the Royal Albert Hall.

1922

The P&O liner Egypt sank off Ushant with the loss of 90 lives after colliding in fog with the French steamship Seine. The ship was also carrying one million sterling worth of gold and silver.

1927

‘Lucky’ Lindbergh took off from Roosevelt Field in New York aboard the small airplane "Spirit of St. Louis", en route to Paris, France. Thirty-three and one-half hours later, Charles A. Lindbergh arrived at his destination - and flew into history.

1932

Amelia Earhart took off from Newfoundland for Ireland to became the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic.

1941

Harry James and his orchestra recorded the classic "You Made Me Love You" for Columbia Records.

1956

The first hydrogen bomb to be dropped from the air was exploded by the Americans over the Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.

1961

A white mob attacked a busload of Freedom Riders in Montgomery, Alabama, prompting the federal government to send in U.S. Marshals to restore order.

1982

TV’s "Barney Miller" was seen for the last time in its original network run on ABC-TV. Hal Linden as Barney, Abe Vigoda as Fish and a talented cast continue to bring the fictional 12th Precinct to TV screens through syndication today.

1987

The Milwaukee Brewers ended a 12-game losing streak by beating the Chicago White Sox by a 5-1 score. The Brew Crew had opened the season winning 13 games in a row.

1998

The costly Godzilla, starring Matthew Broderick as scientist Nick Tatopoulos, opened in U.S. Theaters. While it placed in the Number 5 spot for box office receipts for films released that year, the film was a disappointment to the film's producers and critics.

Sunday's Trivia

1471

King Henry VI of England was murdered in the Tower of London, in the latest twist in the Wars of the Roses. Edward IV resumed the throne.

1819

The first bicycles in the United States were called swift walkers and were seen for the first time on the streets of New York City.

1881

Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross.

1927

Charles A. Lindbergh (age 25) landed at 10:21pm at Le Bourget air field outside Paris, France in his monoplane, "The Spirit of St. Louis". (The famous plane is now displayed in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, DC.) Lindbergh’s flight marked the first time that a person had flown across the Atlantic Ocean. The 3,800 mile flight from New York to Paris took 33 hours and 29 minutes. The event got more press coverage than any other single event in history to that time.

1945

Actress Lauren Bacall and actor Humphrey Bogart were married on this date in Mansfield, Ohio.( At Malabar Farm's owned by novelist Louis Bromfield's I've been there it now is a working farm run by ODNR

1956

The United States exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb over Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.

1985

Marvin Gaye’s last album was released. "Dream of a Lifetime" featured songs that critics considered too offensive such as the controversial, pop version of "The Lord’s Prayer". Three of the songs from the album were completed after Gaye’s death. Marvin Gaye was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1987.

1998

A gunman opened fire inside Thurston High School in Springfield, Oregon, killing two students.

GRANNY SPEAKS

A mean spirited Blogger who has a right to his blog an opinion wrote an ugly post about the following blogs.

Gayle
Assorted Babble
Seaspook's Rants
The Chatterbox Chronicles
Bornagain

ABFreedom
Hillbilly White Trash
The Cook Shack--Gab & Grub
BigWhiteHat
In The Pines
Eye of the Storm
Crittermusings
Alone At Sea
Gayle's Friday Evening Post
Quid Novi?
Assorted Babble News
The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles

I disagree and will say that it is so low and mean to get personal with folks because they have thoughts and opinions.

Thoughts and opinions are what made this nation great. Not name calling and being ugly. Asking questions about our elected officials is wonderful. Agreeing and disagreeing is wonderful. personal attacks are not. Especially when your personal attack goes so far as to dis some teenagers In The Pines Eye of the Storm.

That was sorry stuff.

Mistreating screaming and cursing about kids is disgusting. I find it so less than civil cursing women and children and anyone that disagrees with you.

Discussing/blogging politics should not entail digging into someones personal life. What adults do in the privacy of their homes is their business and is not about politics.

To the left leaning mean people out there that pick on anyone and everyone

Granny says

GET A LIFE

Well He Ya Go

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
1776 [if they had computers back then]

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that
we complete this declaration of independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has
everyone
had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication
problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy

Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last
week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document
will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating.
I
saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.

Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that
problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended
Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle
wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an
active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker
recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please?
Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy
drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought
about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point
Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save
the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my
quill pen....
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot.
But
the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?" She takes
the
parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the
living
room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by
shortly.
When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the
door,
and the parrot says "who is it?" The man says, "It's the decorator." The
parrot says "who is it?" The man says "It's the decorator." The parrot
says
"Who is it?" The man says "It's the decorator!!!" The parrot says "who
is
it?" The man screams "The decorator!" The decorator gets so mad, that he
pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot. The lady comes home and finds
a
dead man lying on her front porch. She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?"
The
parrot replies, "It's the decorator!"






Your Daily Dose of Inspiration...

1. I can please only one person per day, today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking too good either.

2. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

3. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.

4. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

5. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

6. Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

7. I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.

8. My Reality Check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

11. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

12. There are two rules for ultimate success in life.
1. Never tell everything you know.

13. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

14. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.

15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.

16. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

17. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

18. How did people look busy at work before computers.

19. I hear voices in my head, they don't speak my language.

20. Every dog has his day, you missed yours.

Friday Stuff For My Buddies

A group of politicians was traveling by bus across the country to
campaign for one of their own. The bus driver dozed off and lost
control of the bus. It ran off the highway, rolled over twice,
wrapped around a huge oak tree and burst into flames.

A trucker happened upon the terrible scene. He looked the
situation over, walked back to his truck and got a shovel and began
burying the politicians right on the spot.

Soon a highway patrolman arrived at the crash scene along with five
ambulances and other emergency equipment. The officer saw the trucker
standing off to the side of the accident, resting on his shovel. The trucker s
aid, "Officer, I could tell by the banners and stuff that this was a bus load
of politicians. So I went ahead and buried them.

The highway patrolman nodded and then said, "So, they were all dead,
right?"

The trucker smiled and said, "Oh, some of them said they weren't dead.
But you know how politicians lie."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied
"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment...then took her foot and
stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor. "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"



An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!" The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-
in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to
the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter
attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd
have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?,"
his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.
"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading
a book. The other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king
of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Users of a certain computer operating system are famously untroubled
by viruses. Still, there has been a very strange thing happening
lately to these computer users and experts are finding it tough to
explain. It's not a virus really, but somehow these particular
computers have been unexpectedly displaying images of fiddles.
They're oddly reminiscent those crazy flying toasters from several
years back, as these musical instruments just mysteriously show up on
the computer screen suddenly, without warning and seemingly for no
reason. There's no spam associated with it. It doesn't erase your
hard drive or seem to do anything other than display cryptic photos
of fiddles at odd moments. Police are having trouble establishing a
possible motive for this mischief or citing any suspected
perpetrators. Still, they're troubled by these "Random Macs of
violins."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and/or use a better lubricant.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of
the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind
of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were
perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over the
"Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was
in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure
there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder
room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had
nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12
below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her
options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since
she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no
one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than
adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded
to do her thing.

If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right
way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not
forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing
through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her
derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees,
and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for
the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided
violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned
the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the
bed next to hers.

"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift
and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing
backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of
her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift."

..... "So, how'd you break your arm?

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Friday Funnies

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all..." "Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out." "Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: "One at a time, please, one at a time!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
My son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband grumbled. "Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?" Then he went back to work on the car. I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home, I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two little girls are looking at a book of fairy tales. "Who's that on the cover?" asks the younger of the two. "That's Cinderella." replied her friend. "It's a nice story with a happy ending." "But why is she crying?" the first asked. "She doesn't look so happy to me." "Because her wicked step-Mother won't let her go to the mall." answered the second.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines. After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
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The company I worked for had an employee suggestion competition, the entire staff was asked to submit entries that would save money for the firm. The winner was a man who suggested the company post corporate memos on bulletin boards, instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock. A memo announcing the winner went out to 200 people.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Our Town Is So Small... our city limits signs are both on the same post! the McDonalds only has one Golden Arch the 7-11 is a 3 1/2 - 5 1/2 the phone book has only one page the ZIP code was a fraction Second Street is in the next town over +*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said,"Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."
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A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet. Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the brake and one for the accelator."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it." "Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
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The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?" She is scrutinizing his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun."
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A therapist says to her new patient, "So, you said that you want to see me because you keep obsessing about your mother. Can you tell me a little bit about that?" "Well," says the man, "it started last week. One day I woke up and started thinking about my mother. I couldn't get her out of my mind, so I called her to see if everything was all right. She said that she was fine, but that didn't help me. I still kept thinking about her all day and night. "Doc, you've gotta help me. Every night I lie awake thinking about her. I can't sleep until I go downstairs and eat a piece of dry toast." The therapist says to him, "Just one piece of dry toast for a big boy like you?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Just check yes, Chuck!!!"

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Ready For Casual Friday

Weird Fact :
850 peanuts are needed to make an 18 oz. jar of peanut butter.
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Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the exorcist?
A: Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!
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Death Toll Mounts in Worst Polish Air Disaster Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small, two seater Cessna airplane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in Central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The identities of all but the pilot and co-pilot were found at the scene on large blocks of stone. An onlooker commented that Polish flights are not usually so well documented.
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The lady walks in a fish market and asks the owner "How much are your crabs?" The owner scratched his head and said "They're about $1.00 a piece" "My, my..." beamed the woman. "Shake hands with a millionaire!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth.
On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear.
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A man phoned his doctor late at night saying his wife appeared to have appendicitis. "That's impossible," the physician replied, peeved at being woken up. "She had an appendectomy last year. Dont be stupid. Only a moron would wake me up for something this idiotic. Have you ever seen anybody with a second appendix?" "No, asshole!!!", the husband replied. "Have you ever seen anybody with a second wife?
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Jordan, my 3-year-old son, has expressed an insatiable curiosity about human anatomy. This completely innocent curiosity recently led to the most embarrassing moment of my life! A few weeks ago, our family chose to sit in the front row at Mass on a Sunday. During the homily, when the priest was speaking, Jordan decided that it would be a good time to ask questions which he deemed appropriate. Being 3, Jordan has not learned the difference between whispering and speaking out loud. Jordan (loud): "Mom, look at my penis, it's standing up!" Mom (whispering, attempting to distract): "That's interesting, dear. Let's read this book I brought for you about how Jesus loves all the little children." Jordan (louder): "But Mom, I can't get my penis to go back down. It's coming out of my pants! Look, Dad!" Dad: "Jordan, be quiet, we're at Mass!" Jordan (upset now): "Mom, look at my penis!" Justine (my 9-year-old daughter, whispering agitatedly): "Mom, make him be quiet, take him out!" Mom (continuing the calm and collected facade): "Jordan, look at these great blocks Mom brought for you to build with." Jordan (louder): "Mom, why is it sticking up?" Then, without waiting for an answer, Jordan began talking to his penis. Jordan (very loud, in a commanding voice): "Penis, go back down where you belong and stop bugging me!" At this point, I was trying to grab Jordan to take him out, and at the same time cover his mouth. I heard chuckling and laughter from the pews around us, and a distinct break in the priest's homily as he pondered this unexpected interruption. My daughter was hanging her head and shaking it, and my husband mouthed the words "Get him out of here." My face was three shades of red as I led Jordan out down the long aisle and listened to him continually repeat the same inquiry: "Mom, why won't it go down?"
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An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said... "Waiter, I'm a little confused, but these are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man dies and goes to Heaven. The angel Gabriel meets him at the Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour. The man sees various groups of people all standing around and talking to each other. "These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel. "And over there are the Jews, and the Hindus. Over here are the Muslims, and over yonder are the Jehova's Witnesses." In fact, the man sees every religious group, every nationality, and every culture in Heaven. Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall. "Hey, what's this wall doing in Heaven?" asked the man. "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that wall are the Mormons. They like to think that they're the only ones here."
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Okie Dokey Here Ya Go

Bumper Sticker Suggestions
1. Constipated people don't give a shit.
2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.
8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken...watch for finger.
15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.
16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
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On the first night he pulled his revival meeting tent into the Southern town, Preacher Bob had a full house. After a long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus." The next night the revival tent is only half full. After going through the same long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and he'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus." The next night the revival tent in only one quarter full. After going through the long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting the third night, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been she'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus." The next night there is only one man left in the audience. It was ol' Klem, a middle aged virgin due to his lack of sex appeal, even by hillbilly standards. Preacher Bob says, "Now brother, you should feel proud that you are still able to come to this tent tonight. I want you to testify! Testify how it is that you are able to join me tonight in this holy tent!" Klem responds, "Shit preacher, you didn't say nothin' bout me-in and me-in!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon. "Hey," said the demon, "How'd you like to make a hole in one?" "What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously. "It will shorten your sex life by five years," replied the demon. "Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered. On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one, back-to-back?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf." "What's the pay back this time?" said the man. "It will shorten your sex life by another twenty years," said the demon. "I guess," agreed the man, and again he made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see the man who had made two holes-in-one in the same game! On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!" "No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I have to give up this time?" "You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon. "Okay!" said the man. He went on to make his third consecutive hole-in-one. .And that's how Father Jones got into the Guinness Book of Records!
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Prom-Planning Tips Prom season is just around the corner. Here are some tips to help make your prom night unforgettable: The prom is a magical experience, a chance to do such grown-up things as get all dressed up, drink nine Smirnoff Ices, vomit in a limo, and pass out in Mom's azalea bushes. The theme is one of the most important elements of a prom. Choose carefully between "Tropical Paradise" and "Stepping Out In Style." Do not attempt to finger-bang your date until a slow song comes on. Don't forget the corsage! Fresh flowers are necessary to mask the smell of sweat and foot odor in your school's dank, poorly ventilated gym. Try to plan ahead, so you are not more than two or three months pregnant for your prom. Next to a bridesmaid dress, a prom dress is the most important dress you will ever wear. If you were not asked to prom, you can still have fun by putting on a dress, buying a taco-salad party platter from the local Pic-N-Save, and dancing in your bedroom as a portable radio plays the latest Top 40 hits. This will be the biggest night of your life if you happen to die in the next few weeks.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was a young gigolo named Bruno Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know. While women are fine, And sheep are divine, Lama's are numero uno!"
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insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading,
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+ Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed;
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over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats,
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have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

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unemployment checks.

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apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair
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Kids Talk About Their Moms:
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like He made me. He just used
bigger parts.
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The musicians were always bickering, and it really hurt the
orchestra's performance. The more they fought, the less well they
were able to play together. Finally the conductor said he was
instituting a series of fines for any musician who squabbled with
another, in an effort to stop hurting the orchestra. He said the
fines would be known as Harm Money. Cynthia MacGregor
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One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you,
Johnny?" "Milk!" answered Little Johnny. "No, I'm sorry. That's the
wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher. "Wow!"
Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Last night my daughter and her husband fixed dinner for his mother
and me, it being some special day or other; it was easy for the
daughter--her husband is the cook. So, she recruited me to help with
a gardening problem. She has an industrial strength climbing rose,
which broke free from its trellis last year, and has been roaming the
rest of the flower bed, seeking whom it might devour. The nearest
victim was a large and once promising herb, now largely engulfed by
the rampant rose. Fortunately, it's just the beginning of the North
Carolina rose season, and with clippers and twist tabs and lots of
scratches, we were able to untangle the rose, handcuff it back to the
trellis, and salvage most of the battered herb. Whereupon I said to
my daughter, "We partially saved the rosemary in time."
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Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think
I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh
boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose
it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for
dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am
lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really
give me a cracker? FUCK NO!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with
the fridge."

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! Oh brilliant, asshole. There's a new one!"

Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem
unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..."

Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring."

Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with
my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips scraping my ass.

Dog: "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my crap! Well if I'm ever
hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."

Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off
the
balcony' test again."

Gerbil: "OH NO, not again!"



Why Men Should Be Built By Kodak

They would automatically shut off when they weren't
being used.

You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after
each shot.

They last longer and come with a warranty.

You can try them out first for a two-week trial period
and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

They come in fashion colors.

You can keep them in maximum zoom.

They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

The parts that count are portable.

They don't mind over-exposure.

They respond to the slightest touch.

The one you want is available at a KMART near you.