Monday Madness

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Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were standing around in our
leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law
had quit smoking, gone on a diet, and lost weight all at the same time.
Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this without acquiring at
least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I jokingly asked her,
"What did he start doing instead of these things?"
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister is pregnant now."

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Why doesn't Buick rhyme with quick?
..~...~...~...~...~.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of
Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffe e and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out
into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and att empt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages,
goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled
him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming
out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in
casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed,
" WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to
wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to
a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,
he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the evening praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body
cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says,
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall.
We came to the conclusion many teenagers in America today are living in poverty! .
Most young men we observed didn't even own a belt; not one among the whole group.
But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy's jeans.
Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear.
I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short,
because his jeans hardly went below their knees. They weren't even their daddies'
good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.
It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America, there are those who can't afford
a decent pair of jeans I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for
"poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and
distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.
But here is the saddest part... it was the girls they were hanging out with.
Never, in all of our lives, have we seen such poverty-stricken girls.
These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sister's
clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! and barely went over their hipbones.
Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections.
However, it was their underwear that really bothered us.
Like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes,
had their underwear exposed. We had never seen anything like it.
It looked like their underwear was only held together by a single piece of string.
We figure the mall is one place where they can find acceptance.
So, next time you are at the mall, and you pass by some of these poor teenagers,
Instead of wondering “why?” say a prayer that their pants don’t fall down.

..~...~...~...~...~..
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they
had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their
new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming.
Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing.
Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied
"Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls... and he had 'em.




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Q. What Do You Call A Woman Who Puts Her Diaphragm In Crooked? A. Mother
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
INSULTS for all occations. You are so stupid, that you sit on the TV and watch the couch! You were so ugly when you were a child, your mamma had to tie a porkchop around your neck just so the dog would play with you! You're so ugly that when you looked out the window, you got arrested for "mooning." You're so ugly that when you went for a job application in a haunted house they said, "No proffesionals allowed!" You're so poor you stuck your key into the front door and killed four people in the hall! You're so poor, your front and back door are on the same hinge! You're so stupid that you returned a donut because it had a hole in the middle! If I had a dog as ugly as you, I would shave his butt and make him walk back-wards! Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" "That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "... and, what would you like to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" "That's okay," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?" "Regular," she replied. "Oh great... now this thing is gonna be up all night!"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?" Douglas replied, "I would get in my helicopter and fly away!" The doctor then asked, "Where did you get a helicopter from?" Douglas replied, "The same place you got that fucking train!"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got wasted." The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange. Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year." Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never EVER marry my mother!" The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the salt?"

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*




The class was studying the Middle Ages, and all the kids were having fun learning about chivalry and knights and such. Finally, it came time for all the Knights to become 'Knighted' it was then, that little Johnny asked the teacher, "Do all the ladies get 'Laid' tomorrow?"

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There once was a minister, whose wife was expecting a baby. He went to the congregation and asked for a raise. They passed a rule that when the minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation held a meeting about this. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and discussion. The minister gets up to the pulpit and speaks "Having children is an act of GOD!" A little man in the back rises and says, "Point of information, snowing and raining are an act of GOD, but we wear rubbers!"

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What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff? A Cadillac seats six

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Sadam H. and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in the teeth first?? Housain, Business before pleasure

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery
Will always overcome youth and skill!

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
Experience

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
"Didn't I see you on a poster that said "My daddy didn't use condoms!"?

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
KIDS IN CHURCH:
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry
about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


Love v/s marriage

1. Love is holding hands in the street, Marriage is holding arguments in
the street.

2. Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant, Marriage is fish &
chips take-away.

3. Love is cuddling on a sofa, Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

4. Love is talking about having children, Marriage is talking about
getting away from children.

5. Love is going to bed early, Marriage is going to sleep early.

6. Love is a romantic drive, Marriage is a tarmac drive.

7. Love is losing your appetite, Marriage is losing your figure.

8. Love is sweet nothing in the ear, Marriage is sweet nothing in the
bank.

9. Love is a flickering flame, Marriage is a flickering television.

10. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws, Marriage is "Don't you think you've
had enough?"

11. Love is staying awake all night holding each other. Marriage is
staying awake all night having an argument

12. Love is driving to 'lovers lane' Marriage is driving to the
supermarket

13. Love is not being together enough. Marriage is being together too
long

14. Love is skipping work to be close to her. Marriage is working
overtime to keep away from her

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
We Were So Poor....

We were so poor, we could only afford...

... Medicines called placebos

... Five of the Ten Commandments

... Bagel holes

... Sunrise OR Sunset

... Webster's Extremely Abridged Dictionary

... White Crayolas

... Ivory soap soup mix

... Blue suede shoe boxes

... Lipton Tea Bag strings


~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
A man was waiting at the train station. The train was due at 5:23 PM.
Finally, it rolled into the station at 6:07 PM.

"You're LATE," the man said to the conductor. "What's the use of having
a schedule if you're going to be late anyway?"

The Conductor looked at him, and said, "Sir, if we didn't have a
schedule, how on earth would you realize what time you were supposed to
be at the station? And how would you know that we were late?"
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the
next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped
outside to
talk. When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."

"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too
much noise."

Sunday Funnies MId-Morning Edition

For most men there are three ages of hair:

Parted, unparted and departed.

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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter--haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
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A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator "And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving me such a beautiful perky copulator"
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An Italian and his 6 year old son, Luigi, go into a clothing shop. "May 1 help you?" asks the salesman. "Yes" says the father, 1'd like a nice sweater for me and a pair of trousers for my son Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!', and he slaps little Luigi around the head several times. Shocked by this attack the salesman asks, "Will that be all sir?" "No" says the father. "1'd like a pair of shoes for me and a pair for Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!" and he slaps little Luigi again. "Now just wait a minute" protests the salesman. "You can't keep hitting that poor boy like that - why do you keep hitting him?" "Why do I keep hitting Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD?' yells the father, bashing Luigi again. 'Well, I'll tell you!" he says. "When I met his mamma, Maria, she wassa eighteen years old, she hada a perfect body, the most beautiful breasts 1 ever saw - and the nicest, tighta pussy ina the whole suburb - until along comma Luigi WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!"'
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Q. What is the definition of Confidence? A. When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"
~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.
The worst unintentional pun I ever heard was uttered many years back
by my then girl friend Kim. Our pet gerbils had had a litter of young
and I was trying to place them with a pet store. I was joking around
about it, saying that if I couldn't find a buyer I'd have to turn
them loose and let the snakes eat them, and Kim said, "Don't say such
a cruel thing, not even ingest!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was studying
every action intently. She watched him take the ice from the freezer.
She followed the ice to the glass. She helped him measure out the
liquor and stared at the ritual of the spearing of the olives.
Suddenly, a lemon twist slipped from his hands and flew across the
kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck. She got there first.
She bit into the yellow twist before the man could stop her, certain
of a wonderful treat these humans enjoy. The kitten's face screwed up
as she spit out the bitter rind. "Aha, " said the mixologist," so you
have learned a rind is a terrible thing to taste."
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A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber. The
plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type
things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor
exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make that much as a
doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Three salesmen got snowed in at a farmer's house. They had to spend the night, and one salesman had to sleep in the attic, as there weren't enough bedrooms. The farmer, being a trusting soul as most farmers are, allowed his two daughters to sleep with the two salesman, each in their own bedrooms. Before retiring, the three salesmen discussed whether they
were going to score that night with the two daughters. They devised a code of signals so that each could let the other two know if they were successful. The first said he would make the sound of a train horn and yell, "Freight train through bedroom one!" The second said he would yell out, "Mail train through bedroom two!"

Sometime after retiring, sure enough, the yell "Freight train through bedroom one!" was heard. A short time later, "Mail train through bedroom two!" was heard. Not wanting to be outdone, the salesman in the attic blurted out, "Handcar through the attic!"




..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Bumper Snickers
(Something to piss off everyone)
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

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A tobacco company sent Dave several packages of cigarettes with the explanation: "We are sending you some of our finest cigarettes. We hope you enjoy them and will want more." After several months the tobacco company received this reply from Dave: "I got your cigarettes and soaked them in a quart of water which I sprayed on my bug-infested rosebushes. Every bug died! These cigarettes make best poison ever! Please send me some more next year in case any bugs survived."
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A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining about. Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly woman client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to split. "Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that. And, they've been together for so long too."
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Did you hear about the 2 guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other." Maybe we're not throwing the dog up high enough."
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Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there. The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would. The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you $57. Next..."
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Jill went to see her family doctor about her husband John. "For the first twenty years, he was fine Doc, not nervous or jumpy at all. Then for the next 10 years, he's been irritable, jumpy and fidgety. And now the last 5 years, he's been awful jumpy and nervous. He can't sit still in the same room with me for even 5 minutes. I don't know what to do for him. Can you help?" "What your husband needs is a little rest, Jill. Here is a sleeping pill." "Oh, Thank you Doctor. A million thanks to you. And when do I give him the medicine?" "Not HIM, Jill, YOU take it."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size" she said, but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
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My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep. Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven. When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up. "Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"

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Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train. "The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster. The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink. Blake had a Pepsi. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away. "Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster. An hour later, Blake, with his Mom and Dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously. "Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why are you laughing?" "They came to see me off!"

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I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," OR "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first
girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I
admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be
worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this
country lately. Illegal immigration, hurrican recovery, alligators
attacking humans in Florida.
Why not concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a
win-win situation.
+Dig a moat across the length of the Mexican border
+Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems need resolving this afternoon??

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole, then why isn't the end of your dick shaped like an axe?
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn’t finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Glenlivet, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and box of Chocolates. You have no idea how fucking good I feel Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.
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There was a young lad that was graduating from high school. He couldn't get a date for the prom. His parents suggested that he could take his sister. She agreed to attend the prom with her brother. After the the evening ended they headed home in dad's new SUV. As they were driving he looked at his sister and said "If you weren't my sister, I'd pull over to the side of the road" She replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" After they parked, he said "If you weren't my sister, I'd like to kiss you" Again she replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" So he gave her a big tongue kiss! Wow, "Damn if you weren't my sister I'd like to fuck you" Again she replied "Pretend I'm not your sister" As the story goes, they fucked and had many delightful orgasms together. When they finished she remarked "Damn your dick is almost as big as dad's" to which he replied " Yep, that's what mom tells me!"
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

Saturday Afternoon Edition

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What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.

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Weird Fact:
The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com.
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DEAR ABBY:

I recently made a batch of pancakes for my healthy 14-year-old son, using a mix that was in our pantry. He said that they tasted "funny," but ate them anyway. About 10 minutes later, he began having difficulty breathing and his lips began turning purple. I gave him his allergy pill, had him sit on the sofa and told him to relax. He was wheezing while inhaling and exhaling. My husband, a volunteer firefighter and EMT, heated up some water, and we had my son lean over the water so the steam could clear his chest and sinuses. Soon, his breathing became more regular and his lips returned to a more normal color. We checked the date on the box of pancake mix and, to my dismay, found it was very outdated. As a reference librarian at an academic institution, I have the ability to search through many research databases. I did just that, and found an article the next day that mentioned a 19-year-old male DYING after eating pancakes made with outdated mix. Apparently, the mold that forms in old pancake mix can be toxic! When we told our friends about my son's close call, we were surprised at the number of people who mentioned that they should check their own pancake mix since they don't use it often, or they had purchased it some time ago. With so many people shopping at warehouse-type stores and buying large sizes of pancake mix, I hope your readers will take the time to check the expiration date on their boxes. Also, beware of outdated cake, brownie and cookie mixes.

There's more info at snopes.com. Here's the link:

www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/pancake.asp

Lesson lea rned; be sure to check dates on everything and basically, just don't eat anything old!

PASS IT ON!!!!


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Three men are walking down the street. One is from California, one is
from New York, and the last is from St. Louis.

A good looking woman walks by ... the man from California states "She's
about an 8."

The man from New York states "No, no ... she's a 6."

The man from St. Louis says "Hell no, she's a 1."

The two men look at the guy from St. Louis and turn to each other and
say, "Well, she was not that good looking."

All three continue walking down the strip. As chance happens another
woman walks by. She is more beautiful than the first.

The man from California exclaims "9"

The man from New York cries "8.5"

The man from St. Louis says "2"

The man from California and New York State, "I guess it takes all
types."

Finally an extremely beautiful woman crosses their line of sight.

The man from California and New York simultaneously state "10"

The man from St. Louis states loudly, "3.5"

The man from New York asks the man from St. Louis, "What the hell is
wrong with you?" "Are you gay?" "She was beautiful!"

The man from St. Louis turns to him and says, "I'm using the Budweiser
method."

The man from California asks "What is that?"

The man from St. Louis responds "The Budweiser method is to see how
many Clydesdales (horses) it would take to pull her off my face."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"

"Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked.

"Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Male Instructional Guide For Relationships

The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.,
relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are
encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior
in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as
emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few
personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back
when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to
sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4
inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky
stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.





+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.

"I'd like a little brother," a boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. Why do you want
a little brother"?

"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns.
When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband,
"Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"

"I thought you knew where you were going," he replied.
"You always know where you're going when I'm driving."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
AN AUSSIE LOVE POEM.

OF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING
YOU’RE A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD
AND WHEN I SAY YOUR GORGEOUS
I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD

SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE
I DON’T MIND A BIT OF FLAB
IT MEANS THAT WHEN I’M READY
THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB

SO YOUR BELLY ISNT FLAT NO MORE
I TELL YA,I DON’T CARE
SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA
I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE

NO SHEILA WHO IS YOUR AGE
HAS NICE ROUND PERKY BREASTS
THEY JUST GAVE INTO GRAVITY
BUT I KNOW YA DID YA BEST

I’M TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW
I NEVER TELL YA LIES
I THINK ITS VERY SEXY
THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS

I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE NOW
THE MOMENT THAT WE MET
I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD AS
I WAS EVER GUNNA GET

NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE
I’LL ALWAYS LUV YA DEAR
NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTIES ON
AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending
a friend over to look at a horse to buy.

Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.

"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly.


"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.


"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?"

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I thee her twat?"

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams
the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's rear end, pulls him out
and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should wephrase
that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The preacher came to call the other day.

He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him: "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am

in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself.

"Now, what am I here after?"


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




An Italian, an Irishman and a Polish man, all first time
fathers, are pacing nervously in a maternity ward waiting
room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding
up a new black newborn.

"Yours?" she asked the Italian man, who immediately curses
her out in Italian and says "No! notta my kid!"
"Yours?" The nurse asks the Irishman, who answers "It bloody
well not be!"
"OK, then it must be yours", she informs the Pole, who
sheepishly looks at the ground and mumbles "It must be,
my wife burns everything!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town
and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they
passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to
ride and the old man to walk.

The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they
changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought
that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk.

The two decided that maybe they both should walk. Soon they passed
some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they
had a donkey to ride.

The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they
decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people
who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little
animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were
right so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it
fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will
eventually lose your ass.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q. What's a wife?
A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get
the housework done.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
For all those men who say,
Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.

Here's an update for you:
Now days, 80% of women are against marriage.

WHY?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an
entire pig just to get a little sausage.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
As parents, we all at some point are faced with this. Pretty soon,
the little ones start asking questions: Embarrassing ones at
that! I remember when my kids asked me,
"Where do babies come from."

I try not to lie to them! I told them the straight facts:
"Carelessness..... pure carelessness!"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
My husband and I have our two mothers sharing a double room
in our community seniors' home. One is 96, mentally alert, but has
little sight; the other is 90, in good health, but is often confused
and totally devoid of memory retention or recall. Together, they
complement each other's handicaps and help each other: one relates
the messages; the other relates the vision.

While out on a drive one day, my mother was describing the passing scene,
and said to my mother-in-law, "Too bad you aren't able to see all this."

My mother-in-law quickly replied: "That's all right. At least I'll remember
where I've been."


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God. "Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun. "There must be something you would have of me," said God. "Well, there is one thing," she said. "Just name it," said God. "It's those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop." "Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you." "There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun. "Name it. Please," said God. "It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
How To Be An Ohioan
1. Know the state casserole. The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon in case he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of concern that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at liftoff.
2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Swiss cheese, Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration and Gahanna, seeking an edge over other towns, has recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low-density Lipoprotein Festival. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend these festivals and at least buy an elephant ear.
3. Know the geography. Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans who couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Ohio.
4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse, which is that you stay here because you like the change of seasons. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember about Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.
6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign capital (Lima or Berlin, for example) you must not pronounce it that way lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Hence, it's not "LEE-ma" (as in Peru), but "LYE-ma" (as in bean). Berlin is pronounced "BER-lin", not "Ber-LIN" (like in Germany).
7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state's affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.
8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be knowledgeable on three levels: professional, college and high school. The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot quarterback at the Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom and what he got on his biology quiz last week.
9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust. 1
0. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of "Amish moo shu pork".
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
So This guy walks into a bar... ...
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything." ...
This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..." ...
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..." ...
This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face... ...
These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says, "No, I'm a frayed not..." ...
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!" ...
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club... ...
This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..." ...
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.." ...
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer... ...
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" ...
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes... ...
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..." ...
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..." ...
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" ...
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..." ...
Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy... ...
A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said... ...
Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted... ...
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..." ...
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...' ...
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."




A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference
between Yankees and Southerners...

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Weenie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to the Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had...

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Following are a few gems taken from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require pre- scription
drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can
act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured
so as to ultimately lead to the ap- plication of more rarefied facets of
financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Written by a blonde senior person :

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call
from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a
whole year and I had had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy did we go
'round. Just because I'm old doesn't mean that I am automatically
stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for
themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just
hung up and I haven't heard back. . guess I must have won that silly
argument.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Did you hear about the two Mexicans on 'That's Incredible'?
One had car insurance and the other was an only child!

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde, a brunette and a red head are in the copy room
of their office building when the red head goes over to
the corner of the room.

She stands with a puzzled look on her face for a second
then says 'This looks like a semen stain'.

The brunette walks over to look as well as touch the
stain. She says 'Looks and feels like semen.'

The blonde comes over, looks at, touches, then tastes the
stain. She says 'looks like it, feels like it and tastes
like it, but it's not from any man in this office.'

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


Sweeping and Mopping the Floors Have dog sweep floors with tail
and
lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit
cat... may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or
cat...well you are in trouble.... go find one roaming the neighbourhood
quick!

Vacuuming Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the
vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the
same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for
success: Don't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate.

Dusting Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right
before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't
even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes
away from your computer...and that just is unacceptable!) For the
illusion of using those products... spray a few squirts to air like air
freshener.

Laundry First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do
it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay...
lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes... run the dryer again...
and again and again... and when the utility bill comes.... have a
stroke!

Cleaning Toilet Close the lid.

Cleaning Shower Close the shower door or curtain.

Cleaning the Rest of the Bathroom Close the door. Again... for
the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath... pour some lysol in the trash
can... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty
the trash for you. Speaking of which......

Taking out the Trash If you cant find anyone in your house to
take it out... bribe a neighbour... say you hurt your back or some other
sob story...that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy
dinners out of the neighbour as well! Try not to use it too often...
they might get suspicious.

Dishes Dishwasher... if it doesn't come off run it again and
again...if that doesn't work... throw the dish out and start fresh.
Better yet... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far
better way to go... (as long as your neighbour is taking out the trash).
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
No Nursing Home for me!

No nursing home for me. I am checking into the
Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home per day
reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get
old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations
at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount
and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves
$138.77 a day for:

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I
want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer,
dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and
all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a
customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire
staff scrambling to help you.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride
free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent
limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus
and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at
the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes.
Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not
stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even
from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn
there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a
mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for
the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.
The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will
call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip,
Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a
suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will
always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days
mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask
for? So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just
forward all my email to:me@Holiday.Inn


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other
five continued playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "
So, who is going to tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the
short one.

They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet, and be gentle.. Don't
make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'll be the most discreet
person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it
to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, and knocks on the
door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
home."

"TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" she yells.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World
War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right
to Pensacola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the
base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6
Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more
Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier
and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the
canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he
said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly
impoltant mistake!"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young couple was making passionate love in a van which was complete
with shag carpets and a double mattress.

Suddenly, the kinky girl yelled out, "Oh, big boy, whip me,
whip me!"

The man didn't want to pass up this unique opportunity. So, in a flash of
inspiration, he ran outside and snapped the aerial from the hood of the van.

He then proceeded to whip her until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic
ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the kinky sex were
beginning to fester, so she went to the doctor.

The doctor took one look at her wounds and said, "I don't suppose you got
these marks while having kinky sex."

The embarrassed girl admitted, "Yes, sir, they are."

The doctor nodded and remarked, "I thought so, because in all my years of
doctoring I've never seen such a bad case of van aerial disease
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 39 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 39 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old brunette.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman.

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment,driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Tree of Life

Life is like a tree full of monkeys,
all on limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down
and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up
and see nothing but arsholes

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day
and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very
upset. When the man finally realized that she was not happy
with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so
recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"

The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet baby!"

Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf
clubs in the back!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: "I
wanna know your last name." -- Mike Binder

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
WHAT IS IT???

Schwartzenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one

Madonna doesn't have one

The Pope has one but doesn't use his

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

George Burns' was hot

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?

Get your mind out of the gutter...
The answer is: "A Last Name."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Saturday Snickers

~~#~~#~Tongue Twisters~#~~#~~~#
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
+*+*+*+*+
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
*+*+*+*+*+
Betty Botter had some butter, But," she said, "this butter's bitter. If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter-- that would make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, and she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter. So it was better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter.
~#~~~#~~~#
Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
+*+*+*+*+*+
A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed blood.
#~~~#~~~#
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
~~#~~~#~~~#
Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.
+*+*+*+*+
She sells sea shells by the sea shore. The shells she sells are surely seashells. So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells seashore shells.
#~~~#~~~#
Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised. Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."
+*+*+*+*+
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.
~~#~~#~~#~~#
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
*+*+*+*+*+
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
+*+*+*+*+*+
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
~~#~~~#~~~#
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
*+*+*+*+*+
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!"
~~#~~~#~~~#
Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
*+*+*+*+*+
The boot black bought the black boot back
~#~~~#~~~#
I'm not a pheasant plucker I'm a pheasant plucker's son I'm only plucking pheasants Till a pheasant plucker comes.
*+*+*+*+*+
Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps.
~~#~~~#~~~#
Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.
+*+*+*+*+
What a shame such a shapely sash should such shabby stitches show.
*+*+*+*+*+
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
+*+*+The End+*+*+*+




George had just arrived at Base Camp and gone through the bewildering first day or two being allotted quarters, drawing uniform and bedding and being chased about by all and sundry with chevrons on their sleeves. On the third day, having been sent on an errand on the double, he lost his way and wandered into Base Headquarters. Here he passed the General without acknowledging his existence. "Soldier, come here!" said the General. George obediently walked up to the General and said politely, "Excuse me, Sir, did you call?" "Yes," said the General. "Why didn't you salute me?" "I'm sorry, Sir, I didn't know I had to. I'm new here and I'm still finding my way about." "OK, son, don't worry about it then. But a word of advice - look out for newly commissioned second lieutenants!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yelled back, "Shut up! You're next!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Top Ten Digital Bumper Stickers
1. Backups? We don’t need no steenking backups!
2. The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
3. You are SO off my Buddy List.
4. Don’t make me use uppercase!
5. No, this is NOT my boyfriend’s computer!
6. What boots up must come down...
7. Murphy’s best friend was a computer.
8. I am not a Geek. I’m a Level 12 Paladin.
9. There is no emoticon for what I’m feeling!
10. Vintage Geek (seen on a Commodore 64)
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman. This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name. "Superman," he answered politely and without pause. The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ray answered, "Superman." Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records." Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
31 Reasons to Buy a New Car
A car exactly like yours is featured in a display in your local museum.
Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
That plaque that says it was the first car ever driven by land speed record breaker Barney Goldfield.
You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
As you drive by people keep yelling, "Get a horse."
Your tires are so thin you can see the air inside them.
Your emergency brake consists of putting your leg through a hole in the floorboard and dragging your foot on the pavement.
Whenever you hit a pothole or speed bump the engine falls out.
The total on your last repair bill equaled the GDP of a certain small Asian nation.
The 15-Minute Jiffy Lube takes 3 days.
The "spark Adjustment" lever broke off and it'll be a pain to find a new one.
Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."
When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"
Replacement running boards just aren't made like they used to.
Your "Super-Heterodyne radio" keeps drifting off signal.
As you're leaving the parking lot after the County Fair demolition derby a salvage dealer offers you "50 bucks for the carcass."
It's been awhile since anyone has used the word "Phaeton" when referring to a body style.
Two words: Ford Edsel It might have something to do with that second "Totaled" stamp your insurance adjuster put on the title after your last fender bender.
Your 84 year old Mom drives a car that's sportier than yours.
While waiting at a stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway. You keep losing dates on left turns.
The ash trays are full and we all know what a hassle it is to empty them.
The novelty of that hand crank starter is wearing off.
The Duct tape you used to replace that right front fender is flagging again. It hasn't been the same since "The" Henry Ford borrowed it.
And the number one Reason it's time to get a new Car.........
Your gas gauge measures in cubits.





King David used to be a hero of mine, but not anymore," little Brodie told his mother after church one Sunday. "Why not, son?" "I learned today that he killed the Jolly Green Giant."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
When my demanding mother found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day. I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone. So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A lady walks into the bank and says, "I'd like to open a joint account, with anybody who has money to put in it." A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him my bills. There are more important things than money, but they all cost money Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A blonde woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
In a cat's eyes, all things belong to cats. If your absence won't make any difference, your presence won't either. A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn't feel like it.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



The Lawyer's Creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother:
"Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell
him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "Because we need the eggs."
My daughter was telling me about yesterday's trip to the zoo with my
granddaughter Andie, six. At one display she explained to Andie what
the very large turtle who approached them was. Andie said, "I get it!
It's because he's walking right tortoise!"
A number of years ago I went to a bar with some friends. After a few
brews I noticed a sign above the bar: "For Sale. 1985 Henway.
Excellent Condition. Make Offer." So I asked the bartender, "What's a
henway?" He says, "Oh, about three to four pounds"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

The teacher in the bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of
Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard
you when you wailed, "If only we had meat to eat!" she began. "Now
the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or
two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month until you
loathe it." The woman paused, looked up and said.... "Hey, isn't that
the Atkins diet?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
In the USA, your state name means: -
Alabama, Means "tribal town" in the Creek Indian language. -
Alaska, after the Aleut word "alaxsxaq" meaning "the mainland." -
Arizona, based on Pima Indian word "arizonac" for "little spring place." -
Arkansas, a French interpretation of the word "acansa," in Sioux meaning "downstream place." -
California, comes from "Califia" a mythical paradise in old Spanish romance word. -
Colorado, means "Reddish" or "Color Red." -
Connecticut, based on Mohican and Algonquin Indian words for a "place beside a long river." -
Delaware, for the early Virginia governor, Lord De La Warr. -
Florida was a Spanish territory, and the name is in Spanish too. Florida means "Flowered." -
Georgia, Named for King George II of England -
Hawaii, which of course is in native Hawaian could be based on their word for homeland, "Owhyhee." -
Idaho, is just an invented word. -
Illinois, word in Algonquin Indian for "warriors."
-Indiana, from "Land of the Indians." -
Iowa, Indian word for "a beautiful land." -
Kansas, From the Sioux Indian for "south wind people." -
Kentucky, Based on the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten," meaning "land of tomorrow" -
Louisiana, Named in honor of France's King Louis XIV, this territory had French influence. -
Maine, Assumed to be a reference to the state region being a mainland, different from its many surrounding islands -
Maryland, named to honor Henrietta Maria, wife of England's King Charles I. -
Massachusetts, named after local Indian tribe whose name means "a large hill place." -
Michigan, for the Chippewa Indian word "meicigama" meaning "great water" (for the big lakes).
Minnesota, based on the Dakota Sioux Indian word for "sky-tinted water," referring to the Minnesota River or the state's many lakes. -
Mississippi, probably based on the Indian "mici zibi," loosely meaning great river. -
Missouri, named after the Missouri Indian tribe. -
Montana, based on the Spanish word "Montaña" that means Mountain. -
Nebraska, Name based on an Oto Indian word that means "flat water," referring to the Platte River. -
Nevada, comes from a Spanish word that means "snowy" or "snow-clad." -
New Hampshire, named after the area of Hampshire in England. -
New Jersey, named after the area of Jersey in England. -
New Mexico, from the country of Mexico. -
New York, named after the city of York in England. -
North Carolina, named in honor of England's King Charles I. -
North Dakota, for the Sioux or Dacotah Indians. -
Ohio, comes from the Iroquois Indian word for "good river." -
Oklahoma, a Choctaw Indian word for "red man." -
Oregon, may have been derived from that of the Wisconsin River shown on a 1715 French map as "Ouaricon-sint." -
Pennsylvania, for the Admiral William Penn, father of the state's founder, William Penn. -
Rhode Island, after "Roode Eylandt" by Adriaen Block, Dutch explorer, because of its red clay.
South Carolina (see North Carolina). -
South Dakota (see North Dakota). -
Tennessee, Named after Cherokee Indian villages called "Tanasi" -
Texas, comes from the Spanish "Tejas" when it belonged top Mexico (they exchanged the J for X as an English contribution). -
Utah, from the Ute Indians (people of the mountains). -
Vermont, from the French "verts monts," meaning green mountains. -
Virginia, named for England's "Virgin Queen," Elizabeth I. -
West Virginia (see Virginia). -
Washington, after the first President of the US. -
Wisconsin, from the word "Ouisconsin" believed to mean "grassy place" in the Cheppewa tongue. -
Wyoming, Indian word meaning "large prairie place."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



If Your Over 40 ....

Carly Simon - You're So Varicose Vein
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
The Temptations - Papa Got a Kidney Stone
Nancy Sinatra - These Boots Give Me Arthritis
ABBA - Denture Queen
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom
Procol Harum - A Whiter Shade of Hair
The Beatles - I Get By with a Little Help From Depends
Steely Dan - Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Pee When You Want
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Bad Prune Rising
Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
The Who - Talkin' 'Bout My Medication
The Troggs - Bald Thing....

Trivia

Saturday's Trivia

1314
In what became known as the "Battle of Bannockburn," Scottish troops under the command of Robert the Bruce defeated English troops under the command of Edward II. This battle, in which the Scots were outnumbered four to one, was decisive in securing Scotland's independence from England 13 years later.
1340
In the Hundred Years war, the British fleet destroyed the French at Sluys.
1895
Jack Dempsey - Born in Manassa, Colorado in 1895, boxer Jack Dempsey won the world heavyweight championship from Jess Willard in 1919, then held the title for the next seven years.
1901
Pablo Picasso's works alone could fill an entire museum and offer a history of art movements. For most of his creative career, Picasso seemed more interested in creating form than in imitating it, but his first exhibition in Paris on this day offered moody, representational paintings by a young artist with obvious talent.
1916
The First Battle of the Somme began. It lasted five months and the death toll of more than 1 million resulted in an allied advance of 125 square miles.
1947
Looking up at the sky, Kenneth Arnold of Boise, Idaho, reported he saw flying saucers over Mt. Rainier, Washington.
1960
After airing for 27 years, and 7,222 episodes on CBS radio, "The Romance of Helen Trent" was heard for the last time. Helen and her boyfriend, Gil Whitney, were just about to be married, but never made it to the altar just in case the show was ever renewed.
1968
Resurrection City, a shantytown constructed as part of the Poor People's March on Washington D.C., was closed down by authorities.
1970
In New York City Raquel Welch's movie "Myra Breckinridge" premiered. Reviewers headed for the exits, giving the movie a thumbs down. Audiences thought the movie was good and made it a box office smash.
1985
Directed by Ron Howard, the motion picture, "Cocoon," grossed some $7.9 million during its opening weekend across the United States. "Cocoon," which had an all-star cast, including screen legend Don Ameche, beat out "Rambo: First Blood, Part II" starring Sylvester Stallone, in first-weekend receipts. Howard first became famous as a child star playing Opie on the "Andy Griffith Show"; and later, as Richie Cunningham on "Happy Days."
1986
The U.S. Senate approved "tax reform."

Some Funnies

On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor. "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked. "Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Billy Bob's parents were thrilled and excited when he joined the Army; he was going to serve his country. After Billy Bob had completed basic training, he invited his parents to come to the base and spend the day there. He said that special programs had been set up for all the parents, so that they could see the results of the training. His parents showed up, eager to see what Billy Bob had learned. After all the parents had visited with their sons, the Drill Sergeant announced that the group would do an exhibition of marching, to show off the skills their sons had learned. The troops lined up in formation and marched by the group of parents. As they went by, Billy Bob's mother said to his father, "I'm so proud of Billy Bob. Look at him. He's out there marching, and do you notice, he's the only one in step?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
An elderly couple were both lying in bed one morning, having just awoken from a good nights sleep. - He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me". - "Why not," he asks. - She answers back, "Because I'm dead." - Her husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." - The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead." - Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in hell makes you think you're dead?" - His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, damn it, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The officer pulled me over for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary. Rather than letting me off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations. The first year is paper, right?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Ø The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Ø The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
Ø Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ø Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Ø The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Ø Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Ø Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Ø Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ø For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Ø Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Ø Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Ø The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Ø Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Ø A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Ø At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Ø Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Ø Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Ø Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Ø The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Ø Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
Ø The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ø This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ø Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Ø The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Ø Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Ø The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Ø Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Ø The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday." After a second session of psychotherapy, the pyschiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured. For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt. Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.
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Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't ... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But ... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get himself up and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
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The makers of French's mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing that we have in common is the fact that we are both yellow"
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Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
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Signs You're Hungover
* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
* All day long your motto is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
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When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms. Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"
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Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become stuck in a frozen lake. A rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards -- and the flock flew off! The men were left staring at open water. Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?" The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
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A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
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Now You Know What's Wrong With the Economy..... A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and the sun. Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."
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"You say you served in the Army?" said the restaurant manager, as he sampled the new cook's first soup. "Yes, sir. Officer's cook for two years and wounded twice." "You're lucky, man. It's a wonder they didn't kill you."
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Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.
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There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got to the island, one of them started screaming and yelling. "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! No one will ever find us. We're going to die!" The second man was sitting at the water's edge and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!" We're going to die!!" the first man said. "You don't understand this is Mahattan Island and we are only two blocks from the subway !"
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I work in a department that is supported by grants. On his first day, my new Boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last Boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?" Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked. Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new Boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months." I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, those lesson plans were covered in the grant. Didn't you know that?"
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I work for a small software company with approximately fifty employees. My Boss was the company's third employee. At a meeting with a potential client, our team introduced ourselves one by one. When it was my Boss' turn, he said, "I've been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I started as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior manager." When it was my turn, I rose and said, "I'm new with the company. I'm still a lowly programmer."
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Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and t thousands of lives. "OK", he says, "Come on in!" The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too. St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question. She replies that she has been an HMO care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company. St. Peter replies, "OK. Come on in. But you can only stay three days."
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My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to a Catholic church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, "God will get you!"
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My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small. He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level. He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house. Observing all this, our 'nosey' next-door neighbor asked, "Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away 'EVERY' night?"
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Subject: Good Stuff
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
23. How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid! Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

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MP and St. Peter
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I've gotta go pee, watch the gate will ya?"

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When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story. After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must get that all the time." They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my wife asked, "What was that all about?" "Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said. "Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"
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Murphy's Laws of Genealogy
1. The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated and at which the platform collapsed under him turned out to be his hanging.
2. When at last after much hard work you have evolved the mystery that you have been working on for two years, your aunt says, "I could have told you that."
3. You search ten years for your grandmother's maiden name to eventually find it on a letter in a box in the attic.
4. You never asked your father about his family when he was alive because you weren't interested in genealogy then.
5. The will you need is in the safe on board the Titanic.
6. Copies of old newspapers have holes occurring only on the surnames.
7. John, son of Thomas the immigrant whom your relatives claim as the family progenitor, died on board ship at the age of 10.
8. Your great grandfather's newspaper obituary states that he died leaving no issue of record.
9. Another genealogist has just insulted the keeper of the vital records you need.
10. The relative who had all the family photographs gave them all to her daughter who has no interest in genealogy and no inclination to share.
11. The only record you find for your great grandfather is that his property was sold at a sheriff's sale of insolvency.
12. The one document that would supply the missing link in your dead end line has been lost due to fire, flood, or war.
13. The town clerk to whom you wrote for the information sends you a long handwritten letter which is totally illegible.
14. The spelling of your European ancestor's name bears no relationship to its current spelling or pronunciation.
15. None of the pictures in your recently deceased grandmother's photo album have names written on them. 16. No one in your family tree ever did anything noteworthy, owned property, was sued or was named in a will.
17. You learn that your great aunt's executor just sold her life's collection of family genealogical materials to a flea market dealer "Somewhere in New York City."
18. Ink fades and paper deteriorates at a rate inversely proportional to the value of the data recorded.
19. The 37 volume, 16,000 page history of your county of origin isn't indexed.
20. You finally find your great grandparents' wedding record and discover that the bride's father was named John Smith.

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There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
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