Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund Director Quits

This is brief so I shall put the whole thing here with the link of course then add my thoughts.

Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund Director Quits
July 14 7:20 PM US/Eastern

By RUKMINI CALLIMACHIAssociated Press Writer
NEW ORLEANS
The head of a Katrina charity established by former Presidents Bush and Clinton resigned Friday under duress, a day after the exodus of seven members of one of its committees.
In a statement, the Bush-Clinton Katrina Fund announced that "in the best interests of the mission of The Fund," its executive director, Mary Ann Wyrsch agreed to step down.
Her resignation comes after the abrupt departure of seven out of nine religious leaders serving on a committee charged with disbursing $20 million to hurricane-damaged churches.
The departing committee members said they were upset with how they had been treated by the charity's Washington staff. They claim the staff repeatedly undermined their grant-making decisions, sending money to churches without properly investigating them.
FullStory

Well anyone wanta bet on which churches was grabbing the alms? I would bet its the ones that allow the likes of Slick Willy, Or that bozo Gore, in to rant in them. (Does it surprise anyone other than me the ceiling don't fall in when these guys are in a church?)

I believe that this whole thing is a farse one more way to suck the life out of the wonderful people that always open the bank accounts to help.
You know every time there is a diasater We all jump into help. Then some lame ass politician gets to appoint another good ole boy aka thief to help and in the end the people that need the help don't get it. But you can bet your boots that there will mega monuments to the creeps that misappropiate the money to begin with.
As far as I am conscerned the damn governement should stay the hell out of charities and churches. By the good Lord they don't want God in their business. If the good ole governement wants a seperation of the Church and state then stay out of the church and by extention church charity.

Saturday Shorts

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JEST FOR KIDS
RIDDLES
Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?

So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
Where do math teachers like to eat?At the lunch counter. (Oona, 10)
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?A lawn moo-er.
What kind of flower would you find on a face?Tulips
Why did the horse go behind the tree?To change his jockeys.

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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be

confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Goodmorning," said the young man. "

If I could take a couple of minutes of yourtime,

I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuumcleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she

proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged

his foot in the door and pushed Wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said "Not until you have

at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse

manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all

traces of thishorse manure from your carpet,

Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said,

"Well I hope you've got a good appetite,

because they cut off my electricity this morning."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A dreary dreamy young poet

Sailed to a South Seas isle.

There he met a girl named Lorrie

Who bewitched him with her wiles.

This beautiful girl danced for him.

He and she were pals.He never dreamed that

LorrieWas a ferocious cannibal.

One day Lorrie got hungry.'T

is sad to tell of his fate!Oh, what chagrin

to be rememberedAs the poet Lorrie ate!
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In my church, we have a time "For All Ages" during each service. On theSunday before Memorial Day, our Director of Religious Education mentionedto the kids that Memorial Day used to be called Decoration Day, and sheasked if anyone knew why it would be called that.One small child said "...the Decoration of Independence?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Old Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing
comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing ," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at
6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

"A COP ON THE TAKE"

"A COP ON THE TAKE"

First he takes ... the oath.
Now look at what else he takes:

He takes... it in stride when people call him pig.
He takes... his lousy pay check realizing he'll
never be rich.
He takes... a second job sometimes to make ends meet
and support his family.
He takes... time to stop and talk to children.
He takes... your verbal abuse while giving you a
ticket you really deserved.
He takes... on creeps you would be afraid to even look at.
He takes... time away from his family to keep you safe.
He takes... your injured child to the hospital.
He takes... the graveyard shift without complaint
because it's his turn.
He takes... his life into his hands daily.
He takes... you home when your car breaks down.
He takes... time to explain why both your headlights
have to work.
He takes... the job no one else wants--telling you a
loved one has died.
He takes ... criminals to jail.
He takes... in sights that would make you cry.
Sometimes he cries too, but he takes it anyway
because someone has to.
He takes... memories to bed each night that you
couldn't bear for even one day.
He takes... time to explain to his family why he
can't make the ball game his child is in and why
he has to work on the holiday when other parents are off.
Sometimes, he takes a bullet.
And yes, occasionally he may take a free cup of coffee.
If he is lucky, he takes retirement.
Then one day he pays for all he has taken, and God takes him.
~~~~~~~~~
Here's my personal thanks to all those 'cops' out there. I appreciate what you do!
THANK YOU~

Wieird News Round Up

You who!

Hey you!

I its weird news time.

As useal I am rounding up wierd stuff for this post.

Thanking Jesus in court lands man in jail

End of the world: Sept. 12, 2006

Homeopathic practices 'risk lives'

Tornado and Rainbow over Kansas

Russian Cameraman Records Flight of UFO

Stuffed Sasquatch being auctioned on eBay

New clue in Jack The Ripper case

World's first 3-D crop circle found in English field

Giant Catfish Protected From Fishing in Thailand

Mayfly Swarm Appears on Radar

Giant "megacryometeor" falls from sky

Maine lobsterman pulls up rare lobster

I paused over this next one.

I have a blog I read about the Robin's Woods in Or.

I wondered if the three old fellows had something to do with this one

Also see. Bornagain Redneck

for the reports on maurading hippies in the woods.

Ore. rooster off to hen house in the sky

Kickin It On Sat.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had
been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long
lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable.
He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he
wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to
pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.

He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get
my agent's 10% as a deduction?"

"No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full
price for it just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.

That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local
nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the
lights.

At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously done.
In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love
to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never
realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door
selling tickets."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"

She having already downed a few power drinks she turned around,
faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .

"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place,
front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been
doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little
Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

She whispers, "Twenty dollars."

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well,"Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face".
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny,
who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He was older than some of the others. He said, " Damn
if I know who signed the fucking thing."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told
him to go home and to bring his father with him when
he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back
of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She
started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the
boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of
Independence?"

"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't
know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger
at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that fucking thing, you
damn well better own up to it!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to
stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a
really good-looking bellboy. The father caught the three girls looking
at him and he threatened to kill the bellboy if he did anything at all
with them. So the bellboy minded his own business and ignored the
girls.

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to
him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice
on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful
middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said
"If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my
father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest
blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't
have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my
father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."



A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a
marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their
quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the
consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your
property equally."

The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him
half? My money?"

"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture? I paid for that."

"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and
the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three
children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came
up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended
on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and
glued his buttocks together.

To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo.
His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the
words "Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very
bright young man."

To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so
agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call
me back!" and left his phone number.

To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and
phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a
New York funeral parlor, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going
on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's
daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in sexual
intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes
in a nonsmoking compartment.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the
man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She,
getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after
sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked,
and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin,
she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say
the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who
sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on
their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe
problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot
of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture
of the problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face
while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really
getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very
interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your
girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat
unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




R.I.P. Red Buttons
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000999/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Buttons

Friday Evening Funnies Post

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American Medical Association researchers
have made a remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky
and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know!

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact
that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"

"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch.
The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went
'FFFFFF! FFFFF! FFFFFF!, and before he could say 'Fuck!', the dog ate
him!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
An acre of trees can remove about 13 tons of dust and gases every year from the surrounding environment.



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Lamb


A Texas sheep rancher?s wife was dyeing some clothes in a large vat.
A tiny lamb gamboled over for a look and fell in, thereby turning a
lovely shade of blue. The woman placed the lamb in a small fenced-in
area near the road to dry and was surprised when a tourist stopped
and offered a large sum of money for the rare blue lamb.
It didn?t take the sheep rancher long to realize that he was on to
something big. In fact, to this day, he is the biggest lamb dyer in
the state of Texas.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
U.S. Postal Service processes 38 million address changes each year.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Lawrence Spring, the eminent musicologist, retired and moved to Las
Vegas. One night, he was unable to fall asleep, so decided to play
his Stravinsky records. At 2:00 AM, he turned on his sophisticated
electronic players and set them to full volume and his Stravinsky
concert began. The concert not only shook his house but awakened all
the sleepers within a mile radius of it. Within a few minutes, an
irate crowd converged on Spring's house and began throwing stones at
his windows and shouting insults at him. Spring called the police.
The riot squad arrived and a huge number of persons were arrested.
The rioters were charged with violating the rights of Spring.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One morning in elementary school, the students were going to a
geography class. The teacher wanted to show the students where cities
and states are. The teacher asks the class, "Does anyone know where
Pittsburgh is?" Billy raises up his hand and says, "Yeah,
Pennsylvania!". The teacher replies, "Very good, Billy!, now can
anyone tell me were Detroit is?" Suzy raises her hand and says,
"That's in Michigan!" The teacher again says , "Very good." Trying to
confuse the children, she now asks, "Where's Kansas City?" Tommy
raises his hand and says, "Oh Oh Pick me!!!, I know?" The teacher
says, "OK, Tommy where is Kansas City?" "Last place."



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Detroit, Mi. (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a
Detroit courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that
they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge
took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions,
who the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch
an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature hauls it onto the slimy
bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their
backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The
blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration she shouts
out "DARN IT!!!. THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed,
she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town
to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place
drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And
the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable
(UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it
up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of
insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the
greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going
to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum
company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work
only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known
"eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

Friday's Funnies

This is what we should be hearing!!

GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own
Business.

Wanting to do something totally different from his current
occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of
land. His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there
appeared to be a great demand for the birds.

Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer
started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all
parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody
wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment,
technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored
rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new
feather merchant very happy.

There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers
were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number
of doctors to determine the nature of the illness. It was discovered
that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of
"dye a rhea."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fellow (blond?) is looking to buy a saw to cut
down some trees in his back yard. He goes to
a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I
have a lot of models, but why don't you save
yourself a lot of time and aggravation and
get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw
will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in
one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and
begins working on the trees. After cutting
for several hours and only cutting two cords,
he decides to quit. He thinks there is
something wrong with the chainsaw. "How
can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?"
the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing
in the morning and cut all day," the man tells
himself. So, the next morning the man gets
up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts,
and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "Thedealer told me it would cut one
hundred cords
of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this
saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back
to the dealer and explains the problem. The
dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes
the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says,
"Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which
the man responds, "What's that noise?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There was a farmer out in the country, a meek
little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't
talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind
that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked
to get the operator.

Soon after it was installed, he tried his
first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)
"Operator".
"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."
"I don't understand you, sir."
"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"
"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going
to have to talk plainer than that."
"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed
the phone down)

The next morning, there was a knock at the
farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the
phone company were there, and they asked
him if he was the one who had used a profanity
with their operator.

"Yesh, I yam", he said.
The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand
for our ladies being treated that way. You have
a choice. You can either call her right now and
apologize, or we're going to remove your
telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked
to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)
"Operator".

"Are yew th' lady I told ta
shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"

Immediately huffy, the operator replied
"I CERTAINLY am!"

"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Ladies, what kind of dick are you getting?

MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right
things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in
this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too
long, stays around your neck forever, fingers you like a GYN Doctor,
licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick.
You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually
sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so
fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just
when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even
if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.

DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick. He eats major pussy. He eats
it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make
you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that
you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic.
You work with it by riding on it as if you were in a Wild Wild West
Movie. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last
big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny
because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from
having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to
forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the
penis.

INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick? You see,
online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in
person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the
bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!

OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to.
Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of
weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not
discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you
make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You
know what size dick he has because you have either: (a) Already gave him
some mean ass head, or (b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or
boxers. So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to
find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure
eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your whole
pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He
was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept
cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.

PUNISHABLE DICK - This is the dick that pisses me off the most. You see,
the guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy. If he has a bad day at
work he "punishes your pussy". If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your
pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy." No matter
what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're
with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he
is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?",
"I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS
PUSSY DON'T YA?".

GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man.
Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this
type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and
confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you
want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty dick
will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home.
Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have
no clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered
it sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you,
asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it
is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on
your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be
draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he
was a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main
course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and
forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man.
When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform
like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct
him to do what guilty dick did to you.

PLEPLEASURABLE DICK - This is good convenk. Easy dick. Dick you can call
when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK,
and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so
you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His
dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GOTDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to
hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and
GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the
circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray
all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look
towards the heavens and say, "GOTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you
commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept
secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get
this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you
EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it
is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and GOTDAMN DICK all
in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case
anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking
and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking
"THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY, ANYBODY
DICK"

Now ladies, which one would/do you have?!!!



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and
has the appearance of a walking wardrobe.

He has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing
temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a
tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a
young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair
complexion, golden hair... heart stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from
the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from
his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But..."
stammers the driver. "Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver
turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in
both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight
is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold
wind has collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground, unable
to stand.

"Du it again!" says the Highlander.

"I can't do it any more! You'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.

The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to
Inverness?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Costume
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was
unsure of what costume to wear. His wife told him to hurry,
or they would be late for the party. She was walking
downstairs from the bedroom, completely naked, except on her feet were a
big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explained the wife.
"Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and returned in two minutes. He
also was completely naked except that he had a rose vase
over his penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated, laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass.
Pull twice and I come."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Fart
The loudest ever heard, one hell of a blow

Flattened houses it did, blew trees from their roots

It blew old farmer McDonald clean out of his boots

Legend does tell us; three blind mice were the first to be hit

Blew their butts thru their eye sockets, where talking serious shit

The three bears were at the table, they'd had Goldilocks for dinner

The portions weren't great, they were thankful she wasn't any thinner

They were fighting over the bones having just finished her insides

When a thunderous roar did approach & blew them clean out of their hides

The culprit was Jack and a few magic beans he had brought

He was hungry so ate em, 'what harm could it do' he'd thought

His tummy started rumbling, his insides just couldn't feel sadder

When one horrendous amount of gas did abscond from his bladder

The shock wave was enormous, blew jack straight up for a mile

To a strange land with a giant and his rather unpleasant smile

The Giant did approach him, fee fi fo fumming and a such

Jacks little legs began to tremble he'd never been scared so much

Now the giant was a monster, huge arms with muscles made of lead

But he took one whiff of wee jack and it killed him stone dead!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




Moonshine

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey. A young neighbor
of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.

"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.

"No, sir!" said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" he asked.

"No, sir," said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his daughter?" asked the prosecutor.

The young neighbor thought a minute and said, "Wait. Your Honor, are we
still talking about whiskey?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Little Red

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest on her way to
Grandma's house when she came upon a squirrel. The squirrel asked
"Little Red Riding Hood, where are you going with that basket?"

"To Grandma's house" Little Red told him.

"Don't go there Little Red Riding Hood there is a big bad wolf there who
is going to pull your little red dress up, pull your little red panties
down and fuck your little white socks off." the squirrel advised.

Ignoring him she kept skipping through the forest til she came across a
rabbit. The rabbit asked her where she was headed and when Little Red
told him Grandma's he told her the same story.

"Don't go there Little Red Riding Hood there is a big bad wolf there who
is going to pull your little red dress up, pull your little white
panties down and fuck your little red socks off."

Little Red ignored him and continued on her way. Upon arriving at
Grandma's Little Red opened the door to find a big bad wolf waiting for
her.

"Come in Little Red Riding Hood. I have been waiting for you. I am going
to pull your little red dress up, pull your little white panties down
and fuck your little white socks off."

Little Red smiled at the wolf and said "OH NO YOU AREN'T YOU ARE GOING
TO EAT ME LIKE THE BOOK SAYS"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it" Cobber says "Lets try Plan B."
"Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobber.
"Spot on" Bruce said . "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples"? Cobber says, "Not exactly a good time for that is it mate?"
"No" Bruce replied,
"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

Redneck Giggles

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and women lay better.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Divorce laws can make you crazy. One state says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery. That's weird. The Ten Commandments say you shouldn't, and the state says you have to.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a turkey? A: A pussy gobbler.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from playing bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, . . . if he could fuck, he could fly."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly,"without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin. "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
Cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
About being broke and not feeling well?
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today ?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
According to research, the most productive workday is Tuesday and the least productive is Friday.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to
play with them. They thought it was because they weren't baptized.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there.
One said, "We've got to be baptized cause no one will play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked them in the
toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked,
"What religion are we?"
We're not catholic cause they pour the water on you and we're not
Baptist cause they dunk your whole body."
The littlest one said, "I smelled that water and I know what we are
we're Pisscopalians
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on

his face.

" What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.

"You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way

home last night,I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks,

like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took

her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We

made love all night, all over the house. We did everything,

me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!

Fantastic!," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was

she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact of the Day:
ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.)
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Village Vamp Lessons:

Blowjobs: First things first, you have to give blowjobs.
Like, all the time. And you have to talk about giving blowjobs to your
girlfriends on the bleachers at the baseball diamond. This trashy girl
asked me if I ever gave a blowjob and I said no, I was only thirteen,
and she cut me off and said she swallowed the cum and it tasted like
salt. I asked if she would get pregnant and she looked up and to the
left like she had no idea and went, "Um, no. It's in my tummy. And
besides, I am on my period now." She had a dirty backyard, too, and I
almost stepped on a dirty diaper.

You have to have a dirty backyard if you want to be a small town slut.

Back to blowjobs. Now, we have all heard of a girl who gave some guy a
blowjob in front of his buddies after he threw a blanket on her head.
This is truly something to aspire to. Especially if you're doin' it for
weed. ...
Handjobs: I know I've jumped the gun and went straight to blowjobs but
still, a handjob is where it all begins (after french-kissing), and is
quite essential in the mastering of one's craft.

You can't be shy. You can't have shame. You have to grab crotch.

Take out his dick, spit on your hand and move it around all over his
meat. He's probably baked and shy and insecure about being a high school
dropout. Really, though, he's romantic and has a big burning crush on
you. Still, if you give a bad handjob, he will be forced to tell all
his friends about it.

This is a good thing because then everyone will know you
are a slutface and will invite you over to smoke weed in the hopes of a
shitty handjob.

Being felt up: Okay, I don't know what fucking show you watch or what
novels you've read, but no one says "being felt up," ever. I don't know
what we say. Probably "Oh, I grabbed her tits" or "I sucked her boobs."

Whatever.

That's just uncomfortable and boring most times because you have to look
down at this loser trying to get you all hot by gently nipping at your
under-developed nubbies and now he's seen your dirty, Wal-Mart bra.

The only good thing about having your tits sucked is you get to hold
your soda and your smoke and you don't have to do anything but wait for
him to get a boner and then you can go to town on it.

Kissing: You have to use your tongue, there is no question about it.
Unless he knows you're super trash and wants to go straight to a
blowjob.

This is fine.

If you want him to fall in love with you, you might want to put some hot
breath action on his ear and make your voice all throaty and go, "Fuck,
I wanna suck your cock so bad," or whatever other dumbass things you
think of.

If you don't know how to kiss you are a tardbag and should probably stay
indoors and wait until your parents bring you over to the relatives and
let your uncle make eyes at you.

Brothers, friends: You have to go down on your brothers and their
friends and everyone who knows everyone else.

Duh.

Kinkiness: I'm not even going to tell you about this because small town
guys can't handle it. They don't have the attention span nor staying
power to let you talk dirty to 'em or hog-tie 'em. Whatever. Reserve
your wild side for sugar daddies and fat men with money.

You'll thank me later.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



What can a bird do that man cannot???
Now don't cheat....think about it!



\/
\/
\/

\/
\/
\/


Whistle through his pecker

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


Now admit it....unless you're a REDNECK,
you've never thought of such a BRILLIANT plan!
Maybe I should share this one with the neighbors~!

Friday Mid-Morning Edition

How to Piss Off A Woman

Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go
bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know,
say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through
sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest
whorehouse.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat
grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer
said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree"

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass
is almost a foot high."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Morris has a business appointment, and he arrives
a little early. The receptionist points to a
comfortable easy chair, and asks him to be seated
for a short while. Morris settles down, picks up
a glossy magazine from the glass-topped table,
opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds
that he cannot concentrate because he is
distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one
of the doors leading off the reception area.
Morris goes over to the receptionist and asks:
"What's going on in there?"

She replies: "It's a partners' meeting."

"But why are they shouting at each other?" Morris asks.

"It's a battle of wits," she replies.

Morris asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers:

"Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A career military officer relates this story
about a general staff meeting he attended many
years ago. A young captain was present, his very
first such meeting.

The general threw out a tactical problem seeking
answers. The colonel, sitting on the general's
right, leaned into the problem and answered it in
detail. During this process, the young captain,
at the foot of the gathering, kept shaking his
head.

After the colonel had finished the general looked
around and asked if anyone had anything to add.
Somewhat brashly the captain spoke up, "I
disagree completely with the colonel, sir."

"Don't you think it might be wise to defer to the
judgment of the colonel, captain?"

Right back the captain said, "That is not the way you made general, sir."

The general looked at the captain for about ten
seconds and finally said, "No, you are right,
captain. But that sure as hell is how I made
major.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife
kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell
you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise,
why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband
went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the
name he saw painted on the side:
"For Sale."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



Buckwheat and Darla are in school. The teacher asks Darla, "How do you
spell "dumb"?

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now, spell "stupid".

Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says,"D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my
dictate good.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you

Understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or

Lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out

Is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a

pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so

another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call
your coach

'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all

that to your grandmother."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew - (gems in the
rough) - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee breaks and
lunch hours,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a dollar bill. The little girl took this home to show her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take the dollar to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been
working with a construction crew building a house all week". "My
goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week too"? "I will if those useless cocksuckers at the
lumber yard ever bring us the 2 x 6s and the fucking bricks", replied
the little girl.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Terribly agitated, Jack rushed into his dentist's examining room and
ushered the hygienist firmly to the door. Once he was alone with the
doctor, he unzipped his fly and gingerly pulled out his pecker

"Jack, Jack," said the dentist, taken aback. "I'm a dentist. If you
think you have V.D., you need to see your regular doctor."

"It's not V.D.," gasped Jack, "and you've gotta help me. There's a tooth
stuck in it."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Mary: "Did you hear that Janet's husband died?"

Donna: "Nooo! What happened?"

Mary: "He had a heart attack while they were screwing. He went straight
from "Oh, God!" to "Hi, God!"

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

Q. How do you get your husband
interested in oral sex? A. Douche with beer.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




HauntedPlaces

Bombshells

CowboyPhotos

BabyLissa'sHauntedHaven

A Shameless Plug

An annon. person left an addy on my site I know...........
Well since word verf. is on I checked it out and found a nice site
SeanDietrich

I am not very good at shameless plugs.

As you can see.

So go visit this site.

Thursday's Odds & Ends.Or Whatever

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told
her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
850 peanuts are needed to make an 18 oz. jar of peanut butter.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy goes to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," says the guy, "I feel as
if I'm two different people! Two totally different personalities. Do
you think I need help? Can you help me? Am I doing the right thing
seeing a psychiatrist?" "Whoah! Whoah! Whoah!" says the doc.
"Please, one at a time."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked Him: "God how
long is a million years to you?" And God answered: " A million years
is like a minute." Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million
dollars to you?" And God replied: "A million dollars is like a
penny." Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And
God said, "In a minute."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Have you heard about Kellogg's foray into the medical field? They have a new cereal specifically for men with erectile dysfunction.
It's called "Nuttin' Raisin Honey"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
#1 Pick up Line
What good is inheriting 2.7 million dollars when you have a weak heart?
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Some say it's what's on the inside that counts.

If that were true about women, Playboy would be
Running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall
Bladders.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and
ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,

"How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says
the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,

"What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years
all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking
about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be
no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a
dire medical condition or an immediate family
member's death.

One smart ass student said, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst
into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the
teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an
excuse, you can just use your other hand to write."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man named Gerry asked his doctor if there was
a test to help him determine if he was gay. The
Doctor said "Yes, there is Please pull down your
pants."

Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed
his testicles and told him to say 55. The man
said "55."

The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told
him to say 55. Gerry said "55".

The doctor then told the man to turn around, and
putting a finger in the man's anus he once again
told him to say 55. ..........Gerry said "1...
2...3..."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Internet

What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners

Q. What's a FAQ ?
A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"

Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?
A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.

Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.

Q. Who runs it?
A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.

Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the
popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL,
CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc,
which will give you their program disks for free. Or,
if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak
in some night and install their programs on your
computer when you're sleeping. They are really
desperate for your business with them.

Q. What are the benefits of these services?
A.The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
interfaces that enable you -- even if you have no previous computer
experience -- to provide the on-line services with the information they
need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill
forever.

Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.

Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us
have been trying for years to cancel our on-line
service accounts, but no matter what we do, the
charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of
entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.

Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet
account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal
organs over to the on-line service right now.

Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do
once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
No end to the number of things you can do!

Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

Q. Chat?
A. Chat.

Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of
people all over the entire globe, you can chat with
total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to
chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and
some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens,
Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who
Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless
Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain
anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as
"ByteMe2" so nobody will l know their real identities.

Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people
of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from
scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from
actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost
anybody on the Internet!

Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers, scientists,
singers, etc.

Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around the
fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the
chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic
is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed
13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women -- or to other
13-year-old boys. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee
can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (Do not
read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery.)

LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry

(LONGISH PAUSE)

UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.

(LONGISH PAUSE)

Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L

(LONGISH PAUSE)

PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting
hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at
any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network
information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat
areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy
messages to each other, back and forth, back and
forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster
and faster and hotter and harder and harder until
OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a
bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

Q. That's disgusting!
A. Yes.

Q. Could you give an example?
A. Certainly

Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Aint That The Truth

Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together


you get glue?..

and then you add eggs
and sugar...

and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

Y ou know darned well where it went!


That's what makes the cake

Stick to your BUTT

Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure

And tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams,

"When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!"





An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,


"How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"










EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!

9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap...Delicious!

10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!

12:00 p.m. Lunch! Dog food! My favorite again!

1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!

3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're
the best! I'll wag my tail in joy! I'm so happy!!

4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm
bouncing off the walls!

5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Yummy!

7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!

8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!

11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's
bed! Life is soooooooo great! I love these people!!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 683 of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although
I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up
my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomited on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into
their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am
capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The
audacity!! There was some sort of assembly of their
accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement
for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement
was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around
his feet as he was walking. I must try this again
tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs! I hate
these humans!

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released--and he seems more than willing to return!
He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an
informant-- I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every
move. The captors have arranged protective custody
for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe........ for now!

Tiglets!

Tiglets!
this is cute
(Don't Know if this is true or not didn't bother to snopes it cuz its cute)
(It's going to be a little difficult to explain 'the birds & the bees')
How sweet is this? In a zoo in California,

a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs.

Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy,

the cubs were born prematurely and due to their tiny size,

died shortly after birth.
The mother tiger started to decline in health, although physically she was fine.

The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had caused

the tigress to fall into a depression.

The doctors decided that if the tigress could surrogate

another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve.
After checking with many other zoos across the country,

the depressing news was that there were no

tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to th e mourning mother.

The veterinarians decided to try something

that had never been tried in a zoo environment.
Sometimes a mother of one species will take

on the care of a different species.

The only "orphans" that could be found quickly

were a litter of wiener pigs.

The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets

in tiger skin and placed the babies

around the mother tiger.
Behold the cutest pictures EVER!